Poetry Forum

Ok Mick - so you've changed identity and progressed to the 'big boys' board - and I was only away for a couple of weeks!! This is poetry - paints the picture with words sounds and wit - I love it. My garden has been home to mini beery swimming pools for many years - they work a treat - my biggest 'c...

Hi calxaed This poem 'got me' as soon as I read it. It says so much between the lines, the story is far more than the sum of it's words. I love the first stanza - shoulder blade included, well, shoulder blade especially ... 'In a dusty room I cupped your shoulder blade and rested my thumb in the cre...

With the blind at half mast, morning casts a new light across the night-time gloom of my room. Despite a drowsy fight, my empty gaze is taken by the sight of sunlight stroking chimney stacks. Cold air cracks through the inched open window, dancing up my goose-bumped arms. Pillow propped, hands warme...

Hi Thoke I find the second version easier to read - the rhythm somehow works better, shorter snappier lines seem to suit this style of writing. One small suggestion - feel free to ignore - I find the final three lines easier to read if changed from 'all I need’s in my room already.' to 'all I need i...

Mick, poetry is just spilling forth from your keyboard at the moment. I admire that you are trying a variety of styles and subject matters. The sounds and alliteration throughout this one work well for me - 'Contracting your contribution, Craving for a crack solution,' 'Constant in your quest enquir...

good point - and look at you with a gold star under your name - I've got some catching up to do!!

Thanks for your responses, Tracey - I hate typos so thanks for pointing that out - that'll teach me not to post before my first coffee of the day! Glad you picked up on the 'nervy' feeling, that is exactly what I was hoping to portray. Ashley, Barrie and Mick - this is a scene from my working life -...

ooh yes - it works for me - I like it. Short, sharp and shocking. I get the 'feeling' of the experience, mentally, physically and visually. If I had written it I would drop the capital letters from lines 2, 5, 7, 8 & 9 and change the comma at the end of line 2 to a full-stop. But hey, now I'm be...

I really enjoyed this - it captures the subtlety of feelings - the details - sounds, smells - it's all here.

The final two lines juxtapose warmth against rejection so beautifully.

Thank you.

Ten women and one man sit around this table with you and your Mum to decide where you will live. And this is big. I see you smile, look away, crack a joke, twirl your hair. We look at you and wait for you to speak, to share what you want. So you say the right words and know that you've done well bec...

Mick - I like this, because it speaks to me - I don't know what it means to you - but it reminds of a regular day at the office - yes - at the front line of social care! Some of the imagery is marvellously grotesque - and the presentation feels bitter and angry - but some days - that is where it's a...

Barrie, Julia and Mick - thank you all for your comments, I am learning some good stuff by looking at my own work through the eyes of others, so it is appreciated. I posted this poem only minutes after writing it, and I think perhaps I should have left it for a couple of days - or longer - and gone ...

Hi Mick

This gave me a smile - I like it.

Although you state it is 'not serious poetry', it does it's job well - and I get a sense of your fondness and respect for 'Grandad', ' ... a man with so much sole!'

Thoke - I keep coming back to re-read this - it troubles me and I can't work out why. It almost feels like snippets of three different poems - I think I can find connections between the first and third stanzas - but the second feels completely out of place. What do I like - I love your use of words ...

Ok - here goes ... What is this blank expanse that holds us apart? Is it something that we have made by unspoken consent to keep ourselves safe? It sits empty, uninvited and smug between us filling the emotional void that is the space that other mothers and daughters embrace. Thoughts invited - I am...

Hearing your voice on the phone I remembered how I loved to visit your home with the piano in the hallway and books everywhere pile upon towering pile. I remember the pots and plants and coloured glass that led the way upstairs. Glimpses of tall brothers through their half-closed bedroom doors. I re...

Shouldn't this be posted on the tutorials board? :lol: I think if I study this I could learn a lot - especially with regard to cliches! I like the humour, and although it dives straight in - it is immediately clear what is going on. Clean, easy to read, nice rhythm, I especially enjoyed ... 'disguis...

Thanks Barrie and David - I appreciate your comments and suggestions (and laughed out loud at the perception David has - understandably so - of my miserable life - yes - something cheerful, I'll work on it!) Um - 'smug' - yes that is the word I was looking for - self-satisfied - in a self-destructiv...

Is it a mutually repelling force-field
that holds us apart?
Is it something that we have made
by unspoken consent
to keep ourselves safe?

It sits empty, uninvited and smug
between us
filling the emotional void
that is the space
that other mothers and daughters
embrace.

I wonder if the complexity of your writing reflects the complexity of your thought processes? I admire writers who are able to use words to slowly reveal a depth of emotion - which is what I read here, I love the lines, 'Coiled in the razor wire of your voice I choke in awkward incompetence.' I woul...

Read this three times - and it got better with each reading - I like it. It has a nice rhythm and reads easily, and works in that it feels 'familiar', as the reader, it was easy to 'know' the experience. I find the line 'all too easily fooled' flows more smoothly if you drop the word 'all'. Also - b...

Just wanted to say a hello to you all. I discovered this site a couple of days ago, and love the ethos of honest appraisal with a view to helping others to develop and improve their work. I am impressed with a lot of the poems I have read here, and with the feedback offered. I have posted a couple o...

After a lunch of two poached eggs on toast and a cup of tea I catch your eye. You sigh, you say that you don't want to talk about it, that you don't want to upset me, and you turn away and say, 'are you planting those herbs today?' And I lift my hands to my face and say, 'I may'. And you think this ...

I really like this - it tells me a wonderful story, and takes me through a whole ream of emotions. I love, 'blink and twitch', I love the repetition of 'hours' - it almost feels painful. I can hear the desperation to get your message through to whoever is on the other end of the line - and then ... ...

Hi hidden-spirit. I really feel the sentiment of your words - I can see frustration, confusion and a search for peace - your poem delivers this to me very well. I find some of the rhymes difficult to read, for instance, 'mellow' and hello' feels forced and unnatural, I would like to read this fluent...