Poetry Forum

Thank you all for reading and the useful critique. I have made an edited version bearing in mind your comments and using many of your suggestions.
I am a bit bemused myself about how I wrote a final couplet with both lines using the same word and didn't notice it

Vincent (Edited) It seems you saw the world in different shades; brighter flowers seen in darker mud. Your sunflower yellows brighter than God made and poppies redder than the freshest blood. You saw in night more than the eye should see; against the black of velvet sky a sight, a vision that procl...

Nicely done, especially the second half. I'd perhaps dispute that time in the womb is peaceful - there's a lot of growing going on, noises from outside are heard inside. The reference to the journey to the tomb is perhaps rather well-worn. Ros Thank you Ros for your encouraging remarks. The idea of...

Symmetry of lines and colors of the bespoke kitchen fitted and finished. Soon its a play-school mess of daub and excreta of dough. My hands have become like a monsters knobbly and puffy just like my grandmothers, whose hands were riddled with rheumatoid athritis. I used to hold her hands- the paper...

Continuity Now rest awhile within your mother's womb. Accept this time of peace gifted to you before you start your journey to the tomb taking that road as each of us must do. It won't be long before you gasp for air and know the world is where all young must strive. And we'll provide for we are we...

I'm wondering if "Barmoral" should be "Balmoral".
An interesting peek into Royal shenanigans. I must come back for a slower, deeper read

Thanks for your kind thoughts Luce
I like to think that if I ever have a tombstone then on it could be inscribed "Here lies a man who lived"
But it's more likely that I'll be cremated and the ashes dropped in the dustbin

Words of a Travelling Man So many roads have felt my anxious tread as I have made my journey through these lands; wending my way through paths unknown that led into a world of ever shifting sands. Adventure true, but not completely lost among the labyrinth of written word that formed a desert that ...

Now that's a poem. Nicely tightened and an improvement on rev 1. I wonder if you'd mind adding the revision in the title IE When I am an Old Man (Rev2) to let me and others know you've revised this piece. I can see you've done that in the poem's thread but I have to open the poem to realise you've ...

Very effectively told. Hospitals do sometimes make mistakes and so although fictitious, the reader can believe it is real.
The only suggestion I would make is that I would change the first word in L6 from "their" TO "his" as the end of the poem makes clear that the person is male.

Thank you both. I have tried to follow the advice you give - particularly about more descriptive lines in this second edit. This really just started as a fun piece after talking to my daughter about the poem "When I am old I shall wear purple" by Jenny Joseph. She laughed when I said I sho...

Thank you all for your interesting and thoughtful comments. I have used most of them as I have rewritten the poem. I hope it makes you smile

When I am Old (2nd edit) When I am old I shall sit back, rosy with red wine, and dream of girls that sing and dance in basques, suspenders, and patterned sheer black stockings adorning flexing thighs. I shall reach for pen and paper and, warmed by the glow of flickering firelight, I shall record me...

Thank you both. I have noted the comments and have to agree with the points you made. I have done quite a severe edit especially the nature of the ending and its resulting change of title.
I hope it works for you, but in any case I am grateful for the feedback,
regards, Tony

ray miller wrote:Enjoyed most of it, but you need to do something about the last two verses - three "you knows" in six lines!

Thanks Ray, you are quite right. I think I was concentrating on the rhythm, rhyming and story line and let this one slip by. I shall have to rethink those last two verses,
Tony.

Lou wrote:Great! The rhythm of 'The Little Yellow Idol' has inspired a fun piece which is not without its moments of sadness. Very entertaining!

Best,
Lou

Thanks Lou. I wondered how long it would be before someone realised the "Yellow idol" link

One feature that I like is the use of alliteration. Perhaps the moonlight might creep across the carpet, although I can see you might not like it so near "crawl".?

I've read this a few times, Tony, and I must say I found it quite moving. I'm very familiar with LC's song and have always liked it. My wife thinks it's depressing in tone and content, so it really does take all sorts. The indoctrination and subsequent doubts seem to be a part of everyday life. Get...

Alone in the City (Edited version of "Sailor's Night Out") There's a seedy little night club on a road off Soho Square where dim lit lights attempt to pierce the gloom, and on a sweating pavement stand some lonely men who stare at pictures that portray an inner room. Inside to sound of mu...

I like the idea of tracing back in time - rather like family research. The revision works well for me. I would only suggest you need an apostrophe in the penultimate line. revision 1 There's nothing more sad than a pile of bricks that no-one has use for- each one, hard edged, with its own mortar-stu...

Hi Tony, I am familiar with the song but have never listened to the words through and so was able to read your tale with some amount of objectivity, even though I hummed the tune as I read. I like the tone you set with the story, and the doubt expressed puts a voice to a feeling that is not uncommo...

You would have bankrupted your pension company and possibly the NHS all by yourself.
I'm doing a pretty good job as I retired early with health problems 23 years ago
This is one of those short poems that gets people thinking and I like that.

Thank you David, I think I know what you mean although "Not as bad as expected" sounds rather like a comment from a surprised pessimist :D Joking aside, I am grateful for your interest and your comment :) Yes, sorry about that, Tony, it probably came out more insulting than I'd intended. ...

Conveys the picture and mood of a wet day very well. I would like to make a few minor comments. The internal rhyme in the first line creates an impression that there will be more to come, but the fact there isn't left me disappointed. I wouldn't want cats making there way to any car just after the s...

Thank you Luce for thinking about the poem and taking time to comment. I'm just pleased, and a little surprised, that it has raised as much interest