Poetry Forum

Yes, so am I, seeing as my family call me Mike and I have a brother called Gerald. Isn't most of it nonsensical ramblings of a luni though Barrie? Would have used "no microbe to be seen" for the meter, and possibly "and shines another shoe" or something after the killing (as a co...

crooked antenna
within the reach of vandals
in Summer sandals

Almost anywhere
you want to go, there's a bug
on the car bonnet

Thanks Caleb. Sunderland 19 was a large gear-planing machine. Did you get the "rainbows and dust vying for tension"? The deep cuts refer to the operator (gearcutter or "groom") putting too much strain on the machine slideways (by increasing the amount of stock removed from the ge...

Hi Senwaar. Very moving - whether it's personal or invented. I had a problem with the line "I saw another side of you that you let just hide". Dont know if it would read better with "just" and "let" reversed, or whether it could do with reconstructing somehow. A few bit...

attitude drives lives
and people up the wall on
motor bikes in drag

Thanks AC. Glad you enjoyed it. It was my first serious attempt.
Mick

No, AC - this was nothing to do with "Lilly, Lilly", though it did occur to me after I posted it that it might come accross as snobby. It's just that my head just goes into rhyme-mode sometimes. It waffles on and I can't resist following it. It started out as just the thought of "Hack...

Old lady, crouching, crusted, confined to your self-rusting pool, confounded by the rainbows and dust vying for tension at your feet. Memories cast in that clunking heart of iron; of gliding, sliding your way through your younger years, intent on pleasing your groom. Deep cuts left you screaming, sc...

Doh!!!!

Hi Arco. I must have missed this. Liked the opening, but felt "The bearded salesman approaches, and the foray begins" could have been omitted. loved "cocoon comfort", and the whole way you described the salesman using people's self-pity to get a sale.
Nice one.
Mick

Nice one again Geoff.
Mick

Loved it. "swagger - stagger", "Misanthropic tonue with malapropic tendancies". Don't know what XCI IQ is . Really strong ending.
Nice one
Mick

Superb, Kris. What a way of looking at life. How many "Daves" do we know?
Thanks Kris.
Mick

Yep, nice one Keith. Agree with some of the above, but feel a comma can be used wherever you want in poetry; putting pauses where you want, so that it comes across to the reader in the way you intended. I'd hate to think that language rules were impairing communication - defeating their own object. ...

Like your positioning of "still" in line 4. "Bright as a baby's first frock" was a vivid image (and will be for many, I should think). "Avalanche of fractured bricks" was ......let's just say all of it's excellent.
Thanks for a good read.
Mick

Were there mushrooms growing out of the ceiling Barrie?
Going to have to have an hour or so with this one - too good to be hurried.
Cheers.
Mick

You can do much better than this AC. I liked "and add, perhaps, a little gore". Your humour kicked in, but the poem as a whole sounds like a moan. I know - - I've no room to talk!
Mick

Don't be too hard on yourself AC. This is good, and your work is getting better all the time. Is "letchin" supposed to be "lichen", as in moss, or are there dirty old men in raincoats sat on them?
Good one AC
Mick

Like this Benjy. There's a problem with "cars jerks" (I think) and you used the word "jerk" twice which, to me, doesn't help. I did like the "head jerks to stop eye contact" bit though. Also think the last stanza should go; think that particular subject has been done to...

water His holy word.
Buggar the consequences
and have a life now

I thought you'd joined the AA at first Moose. Go on, give me a clue.
Like it though, the way you put it together.
Thanks for the read.
Mick

Yes, thanks for this PG.
Nice one.
Mick

Is this your poem AC? It sounds very familiar, and I'm impressed if you wrote something that gives that feeling - it's difficult to pull off.
Keep at it kid.
Mick

maybe youth hostel?
possibly Spain or Holland.
Yes, Holland I think