Poetry Forum

Porcupine's Howl

First heard during the power outage.
Wishing to see it, he listens
through showers on the shack's roof;
watches through the shack's spotted window.

Through the fog, a form crosses the meadow.
Shuffling home numb, he prepares
to change his crusted clothes.

I thought this was good: beam come and sense the flash (this line seems too ordinary when compared to the rest) of the ghoul’s hidden passion sunburnt skin painted ashen fresh shapes follow (3 adjectives to one noun is way too many for me) the dusk the bulbs in our streets surrounded by insects (I a...

Hi parkster, I like this: As we lie in our bed it becomes quite apparent, I'd suggest reshuffling this to end the line on: 'lie in our bed' for more impact like the first one to a million, with Chris Tarrent, this line didn't make sense to me through lack of knowledge, maybe it could be made accessi...

I had a look and those poems are really great. I've changed some of the comments about the metaphor too. Thanks so much for the suggestions,

Ashley.

I loved reading this, I think the message came across clearly and profoundly.

Only question I have is concerning "but" on L6. Was this done for rhymic purposes, or to create a sense of urgency or some other effect?

Thanks for the fantastic read,

Ashley.

Thankyou for your replies Camus, Geoff and Mick. I was aiming for a metaphor of sorts, but it obviously isn't quite clear. Geoff, it's supposed to be the thimble waiting for the stained fingernail. My poems are very descriptive because I kind of feel naked otherwise.. I want to be able to convey a m...

Sewing Box The soft velvet cushion housed five steel needles. Each pointed in angularly for their threads would stretch taut until the lid resealed. Before the needles, exactly perfect circles of felt tip dented the smooth red floor. The tip, although naked lay blotching deep in a silver thimble, a...

Heya Dragon, I liked your poem, I think it explores some really deep territory. I liked the ending especially, the way you used the word 'broken' engaged my mind pleasantly. I do wish (seconding Mick's suggestion) that you had anchored that with some more visual/specific imagery.The word 'ugly' for ...

Hi all,

Thankyou all for your comments and suggestions. Looking back on it, I can see that the message in this one isn't at all clear. I think I started with an idea, but ran out of steam. I'm gonna take it back to the drawing board for now. Thankyou for all your efforts,

Cheers,
Ashley.

Prawns The white table cloth is lit by two slender candles, turquoise blue. One flickers brighter, the near one crackles. Between them, the silver platter boasts a pink hill of prawns, shelled- black marbles peeking. Their string legs bend cold to touch. Smooth cases crack, pale bellies glisten. St...

Hi Barrie, It's difficult to say what exactly it's about. I was partially reflecting upon the way new things grow old, the sorrow thats involved, disconnection from our youthful ambitions and regrets about parting way with reality.. The message probably isn't as clear as I would have liked.. but I e...

Hey scruffy, I liked your poem. Some of the issues seem quite deep, and interesting. I think you need to describe more concretely, specific sensory description that would allow the reader to build up a scene. Showing readers things that they can visualise helps to connect with poets on a deeper leve...

Hi,

I really liked this. The imagery snapped to life, and conveyed the message to me really clearly. Re-reading this showed me a new way that poetry can convey messages. 'Twas beautifully done in my opinion! I think the punctuation does need looking at, especially L5.

Cheers,
AShley.

Wow, thankyou so much Caleb and Mick. Im really pleased that people can connect with this. I've removed the "the"s and added the comma as suggested. I have to confess to doing this reluctantly, but I agree that this "(..)rubber worn" line carries that noun stronger without them, ...

Hahaha, fantastic. I loved this, so much fun! It sounds like you've had a great day- the poem reflects it beautifully. I especially liked the "parade around the house" line. Cracked a real smile. The only things I'd ask/suggest are little nit-picking comments, but here goes: I think it wou...

Slime Only furry green slime grew on officer's black shoe. Scraped with a toothless comb; stitching frayed, rubber worn. By glueing in padded soles each step bounces fresh, yet unsqeeked. His hands tremble slightly as he polishes in black goo. They'll soon grow too used to carry him, disconnected f...

Wow, what a scene! I especially like the closing, leaving the reader with such a hard contrast. I agree with lemony about the caps, it would make it read more easily for me. I think the compactness of the poem is one of its main strenghts, every word seems to carry weight, which makes it an exciting...

Hey lemony, I liked your poem. I think the idea of the table being a scene where the family is described, it made me think of my own family meals, and the smiles that we'd share.. ahh sweet memories! Anyway, I wish you had described the table more concretely- perhaps with some specific details that ...

Ah yes, thankyou Barrie- that suggestion was perfect. Im really pleased with the was this sounds now, thankyou all so much. Does anyone have a suggestion regarding L1, whether to include "at the barn dance"? This repeats the title, and omitting it gets to the action quicker, but it seems t...

HAHAHA this was funny. After seeing the title I knew it would be a quirky sort of poem, just the type I enjoy! I liked the way tone of the beginning stanza, really grabbed my attention in a fast sort of way. The idea, for me, was spot on- just what I was hoping for. L8 and L9 seem sort of abstract f...

Hi thoke, I like your poem, I thought the image of the smoking catapillar was funny, quirky really! Also the 'trips through books and bottles' worked well here for me, as did the single bed. I think I'd see your room better with some more CONCRETE imagery.Maybe describing smaller things would make t...

Hi, thankyou Mick, Caleb and David for your responses. I've re-drafted, trying to make the message abit clearer. The verb tenses were initially to have the end as reflective upon what had come before. I've changed it though, along with the stuccato punctuation, to make it flow abit more smoothly. Th...

Hi Mick, I like your poem. You use imagery beautifully. I saw it all so clearly, so nicely done! The rhyme works well for me, it doesn't seem forced at all. I wonder if "elegant ease" is abit adjective heavy? This stanza is so great I think it deserves another to keep it company! The last ...

(After helpful criticism Ive done another version- thanks for the help!) Re-Revised: Barn Dance The caller at the barn dance lines them up in two files. They stand side by side brushing frills of skirts, suspenders strapped tight, high heels poised: ready to fly. He presses the red button; record sc...

Hi Geordieracer, Im new here aswell, so pleace take any advice as only one person's opinion. This is a positive first post, and that there's alot of good in it. I think the way Innocence and Salvation were personified (although abstract) was leaning towards the metaphorical, which is clever! The sen...