Poetry Forum

Thanks for reading, folks. No it doesn't work as it is. I was going to ditch it until I saw your post, Brian. Thanks for spending the time. It might have some potential the way you've written it. I'll see what I can come up with.

Mike

Thanks for reading Mac. I'm not quite sure what you're getting at there with regards to perception or how that could be satirical.

Bodkin, Thanks very much for that. Some good pointers there. Have to admit that metre and rhythm does not come easily to me. I would not have identified the anapests myself for instance. I'll give it some more thought over the weekend. It's getting there. I think.

I’m a charity fundraiser, a knight of the realm. I move in high places, make friends with the famous, have tea with the rich, whilst they polish my halo. I’m an untouchable beacon of establishment power. He’s a lovable eccentric, affable and harmless, a role model for all. He looks after his mum. He...

Bleak story David. Intrigued by the song in the second verse. You'd have to be at least 55 I would think to recognise 'The Grocer Jack' song. Is that a hint that this story is set in the 1960s though? Not sure you need 'the men of the neighbourhood'. Just 'the men' would do. Also how about 'fat Jack...

Oh, I like this. Mac. It says such a lot in 5 lines.

One thought.

Perhaps change the last line to 'It colours my day' to emphasise it. But then you'd need an and between crowd and laughter.

Thanks for the tips Ian.

Whoops only just noticed this as well. Been writing poetry for 12 months or so after doing an OU course on creative writing. Thanks for the warm welcome even though I hadn't done the intro bit.

Mike

Well spotted, David. Yes the challenge was to write an imagist poem. So I started from 'The Red Wheelbarrow" Lake, yes there's a nod to "Waving not drowning" by Stevie Smith. Hence the clue in the title. Seth, thought of putting whiskey bottle or amber liquid but decided in the end to...

Liked this one better than the previous one, Joe. Some nice images. Here's my thoughts and the changes I would make but I'm no expert. Dew gloss, wet shine, do you need both dew gloss and wet shine? Less could be more here The sober russet tones, could lose sober Of wilting past, no more new. no mor...

Thanks Lake. The idea of masculine endings ties in with the subject. That wasn't deliberate though. Picasso was definitely an alpha male. Second draft going up now where I've toned down the rhymes a bit. Also used some more enjambment to make it flow better. I'm not sure whether it's more difficult ...

Thanks David. I was aware of Degas's painting and the reaction to it. So was Picasso. He was influenced by Degas. Thanks for reading both of you. I'll get back to it when I get over that election result.

Can there be more waste
than a bottle
dreg-drained
next to
a glass-half-empty
and floating in it
a fly
drowned
without a wave

Hi Jackie. I like the atmosphere you've created with this. She comes by.......... is a lovely, dreamy line which you've played with cleverly. I have no idea who/what the she refers to but that doesn't matter too much. The alliteration especially with s is overdone, of course. I'm guessing that was y...

Thanks folks. Some good pointers there. You've confirmed what I was thinking about the eek rhymes. They are too harsh and need disguising a bit more. I thought that yesterday before I posted it. This has gone through several drafts over the past six months. I keep leaving it and then coming back a f...

I like this, penguin. The emotion comes through strongly - anger, frustration, love. They're all there. In my opinion you don't need the first line. That would leave you starting with - Remember to leave reality at home. Much stronger, makes you want to read more. It's also the end line so it gives ...

The Advice of Mrs Picasso (2nd draft) Do not play safe. You are not meek or short of brilliance and flair. Attack the world; your brush can speak. Old masters found the grail you’ll reach; they sought advice from places where they did not play safe and were not meek. And do not worry when you meet ...

Hi David. It's quite clear what you're saying here. It's a bit awkward when you say it aloud though. I think you've got the same problem as me with the alliteration in the second stanza. Do you need the second line? How about 5 o'clock shadow on a face that's met fists You've still got the alliterat...

Thanks Mac - good points. Agreed pale paint palette is overdone. Thanks for the comment David. I think you've summed it up nicely. Picasso's painting breathes life into a 'dead' figure. That's what he was doing in his blue period. In this case he's painted an alcoholic prostitute and used religious ...

Hi Joe. Welcome to the forum. I'm new as well - scary isn't it when you post your first poem? First of all I like this. I think it's got potential. Nice little story to it. You've really hammered the rhyme haven't you. That's pretty impressive. However I think if you're going to rhyme every line you...

Thanks for the comments and the welcome, folks. The poem is indeed inspired by a Picasso painting - one of several that inspired me. http://faculty.dwc.edu/wellman/absinth.jpg This is from his blue period when he was painting beggars, prostitutes, alcoholics etc. In this painting I felt he was ideal...

Like the subject matter and the poem gets the impending doom across well. For me the rhyme dominates the poem and distracts from the subject matter rather than enhances the topic. But if you want to stick to rhyme I think it better to be consistent. How about combining the third and fourth lines to ...

Paint me blue
under a milky moon halo

Cover me
with a cobalt cloak

Smooth my skin
with your pale paint palette

Bow my head
like a compliant Madonna

Close my eyes
although I will not pray

Leave me a chalice
but don't let me drink

Make me glow

I love some of the images you've created here e.g. continuum of crucifixion, mannequins praying in another dimension. God surviving on a drip feed of lost souls is a neat touch too. You've got a nice turn of phrase. Lots of references to numbers i.e. 86400 seconds in a day, pi - 3.14 which I picked ...

Hi Steve. My first post on here. I like the idea behind this. It's a great image which I think you could develop. How about could continuing the metaphor in the fourth line by reducing it to shredded bellows and changing the second line to shrapnelled body. Not sure you need the third line. Perhaps ...