Poetry Forum

It is a while since I read the book.

Not at all, Mac. I think the point is that it’s been a while since I wrote it!

Cheers,

Luke

I wanted the reader to question whose the voice was. Also the overly poetic passage about the Armada speech was meant to represent the masters idealised vision of himself, his life, which reality fails to meet.

L

Also, there are multiple personalities and early madness at play here, hence the Waterland reference.

Thanks mac. I wanted it to be self reflective. Teachers tend to appraise themselves through the eyes of their pupils - could the title be

A history teacher's self appraisel through the eyes of his pupils
?
L

Love these lines, Trevor - But she is steering me further into the depths of myself, and time will be fat when she’s older. The hours will spread their veins, and I’ll finally see all these strangled days as streams A poem in itself? Perhaps. The rest is ok but it was a little narrative-heavy and un...

*you may have seen a version of this before On the plus side, sir, we love the anecdotes: Raleigh’s puddle, Drake’s drum. That seasick captain and his trial by letters. You never shoot us down or have us write the date out in the margin. Dates, you say, are strictly historical. But since you’re a st...

Desperate, this. Not your usual style or substance, but highly affecting nonetheless. I don’t feel the inclination or need to critique this. It is raw and uncensored and leaves me quite breathless. Good to read you again. FWIW, I didn’t get this verse The cord is broken blood sponged up and now you’...

Hmmm thanks guys. Pretty vacuous this one. A reminder never to drink and post.
And Mac, I too am in Wales, in the rain!

Luke

Perry, Francis, Lotus. Sorry for the extremely late reply.
Sorry this doesn’t make sense to you Perry.
Francis, thanks for your extremely helpful critique. I have used a number of your suggestions in my revision.
I hope the revision helps clarify some things for you Perry.

Best,
Luke

We sow wildflower seeds
there will be meadow
providing rain

Thanks Mac, Jj, NOT, It’s good to be posting again. There’s merit in all your suggestions - like the idea of making it a series, NOT. The twenty pound note was designed to symbolise desperation, but perhaps it’s tasteless. Don’t get me wrong, I could do with a wad of them right now! Like the idea of...

Version 2 This month: rosemary and bay wrapped in a ten pound note, positioned on a bed of holly in the centre of the barbecue drum. It takes easily for lack of rain; flames dance, linger in the mirror of our daughter's eyes - It is late evening, her first winter baptism of floodwater, contagion, dr...

Greetings NOT. I’m surprised I knew my password! I liked this very much, only I thought it got a little preachy and convoluted near the end. This especially: I'll know that the lockdown's over when the Public Inquiry absolves The Government: concluding it would not have been possible for them to for...

Thanks Ray!
Yes, so I’ve heard - I wonder if I’ll cope better with the complicated problems than with these here so -called simple ones!

I agree about th3 format. Revision attempted.

L

Much enjoyed. Do the yellow vests signify the protest embedded in the marital sexlessness?
Agree with NOT about the ending. Not only does it lack the comic/sonic appeal of the rest but I’m not sure what it means. What’s the significance of the undergarments staying on?

Luke

Thanks Jj, Tristan, lotus and Ray. Really helpful - I’ve made some changes based on your collective feedback. I’m keeping the start since JJ has shown it conveys the exact meaning I intended - thanks JJ! Best, Luke P.s thanks Tristan - from a very proud and exhausted dad of baby Florence! (Glad thin...

V3 This I take it is the long-awaited covenant drafted in milk on muslin parchment, sealed in the small hours so infinitesimal even your mother's eyelids can be heard tapping out their hurried call that fills the holding cell, our room; that, and the rise and fall of my chest, your tiny head, each s...

I like it but I would try it without punctuation - let the in breaks do the pausing and maximise the abstract quality of the piece.

Luke

There’s a clear connection between the two but I think you need to improve the first and perhaps add some further links to the chain. Perhaps make it a foursome otherwise I think it’s too lightweight to hold much attention. I’d be tempted to use the first as a framing theme and build a series from t...

Been absent a while and this was worth the wait and an apt one on which to break my long silence! I know Gerald and this captures the man and the myth perfectly. strangely inadequate central heating system, Would this have been a misunderstood hypercaust system?! I didn’t understood the choice to us...

“There's an old joke about a group of sexually frustrated sailors finding satisfaction in the knothole of a barrel. The barrelman took his turn in the barrel. Don't blame me, it's not my joke.

That’s a game-changer! Damn it.

Good to know re the birds.

Luke

Pale, effeminate. No doubt they’d have got me arrested in Cambodia in the 70’s. Ditto Czechoslovakia, Estonia. Good-for-nothing palm-fulls of paucity. Danger in every digit. Yesterday, for instance, they overcooked the strimmer and melted like the carburettor. Hopeless with a spanner. Once, however,...

Very touching. Really nicely done, JJ.
I would be tempted to ditch S1 and begin

Every year she wears a dress...

You could change the title to Cherry, like the JJ Cale song of a similar theme.

Luke

Marvellous.

each object struggled to contain
the suchness that it held within

Loved this! Very Aldous Huxley.

I couldn’t help reading Edgehill for Egghill.


I’ll have to return to this for deeper understanding but for now I’ll just savour the glide and spin.

Bravo.

Luke

Thanks JJ! Really glad you liked it. Didn’t know about the sexual connotations! Gulp. Certainly not intended. Please explain! I just meant to reference the man who would be on lookout in the ship’s crow’s nest (usually made from an disused wine barrique or beer barrel.) Any view in the birds? NOT is...