Poetry Forum

THE UNBALANCED Today I saw the sun as you must have seen it. A perfect disk, a ruby in the grey; and I sat on the same chair, still lame in one foot, and I gazed on the balcony wall, bright as a baby’s first frock, and as uncrumpled. It must have grown broader since last year. I sat and willed a top...

Hi Barrie,
I understood this and loved it, why aren't you satisfied with it? It takes you back in time and maybe that is what is needed, iambic pentameter, or tetrameter. I think it might make a difference,

take care


K

Hi Caleb, I hope to see the revision of this soon, it was a great read, here's the crit: Who not to play chess against *Title is apt, I found it interesting enough to want to read the poem. *I wondered why you changed from three line strophes to four line in the third strophe then to five line in th...

Dillingworth, It really had me puzzled last year, the same problem, I want to write something that interests me, is original and not often written about, but how to get the reader understanding what the subject is all about, without having to google for it, or at least not google extensively? Well s...

Hi Mick, this is a winner! You died last night, you dunderhead, a sausage, your assassin. This cross-section of artery (scalpel sculpted, so precisely) shows us furring formed by fat. great opening, no nits with the first strophe, though to be extra picky if you leave out L4, you still get the sense...

Hi Dillingworth, I kept going back to this poem of yours, I like it, I don't understand it, but I like it. You put quite a bit of effort here, anyway here's my crit: IX. Elysa Title: who is Elysa?Forgive my ignorance did you mean elysia as in paradise? Across that verdant carpet --which verdant carp...

Hi Camus, . There were some lovely bits in this that I hope if it is revised will be left Her hair – half done: Sloppily scrunched Into a ponytail, ---this is too lovely, I can see it, its rather ruined with the word-girl-like why explain a picture already drawn? Though the wisps un-taut framed her ...

Hi Mick, Its usually a good idea to try avoiding rhyme in any form if there is no metre. They go hand in hand, so avoid that for starters until you get the hang of writing in metric form. This looks a bit like a story, you’re telling me something that happened to some people. But like any tale, it m...

Heading home last night, I took a short cut down one of those steep, narrow lanes that run like varicous veins through the surgical-stockinged legs of this grey town. I kept pace with destiny as it trickled alongside in the gutter, before disappearing down dark drains. Hi Barrie, I agree that the fi...

Barrie, Cam, and Benjy, Hi ! and thanks a lot for the kind words. Barrie I don't think I'm experienced enough, but if it means this poem gets clobbered to my benefit, then by all means. :) Cam, valiant knight didnt sit well with me either. I think I could do without it altogether it's telly. I'm not...

The Worm A valiant knight that will not barter rest for toil, the plodding hours of sieve and strain, for a Protection Act. Steadily it silts the debris of the underworld. Bold Intestines of the Earth! It fills it’s yearly quota (Of a ton or so) of fertile soil and waits with five intrepid hearts, I...

Hi Mick, I liked the subjct matter of the poem, the meaning was clear, but you were telling a lot rather than showing. first stanza: A certain polished awkwardness, A twitch about the face, Steeley eyes and handshake firm, No sign of your disgrace. I have great difficulty imagining an awkwardness or...

hi there lemony, nice poem. :) few nits though, generally you use rhyme when there is no need, and I found it rather decreased my enjoyment of an otherwise beautiful picture. You don't need the rhymes where you have put them, they draw attention to themselves. Is that intentional? Is there a partic...