Poetry Forum

An alabaster-powder sniffed note set alongside empty bodies and decanters. Nose-first into regrets and haze, muddled appendages with another olfactory like an old-age factory; workers clogged and unwilling. A junker clambering for pain to quell outreaching for the overused note Renewing the day and ...

I feel like the 'two arses, legs,' needs a third but that could just be me. Maybe dirt-feet or taut-lips? I love the sullied sheets/untidy argument lines, they really anchor the poem.

Lewis

Strong opening and I like the tone of it. I liked the last two lines but I'm unsure of the use of thing, How about body again? Or wretch? I agree that It would be a stronger ending with the question so maybe play around with the order and fit the last two lines somewhere else?

Lewis

I'm not very sure about this one, it seems a mess, I dont really know what to do with it. Unabashed; your stolid demeanor keeps strong: no hugs or kisses, only handshakes and punches, none of that namby-pamby kiddie rubbish, no flash words or any reason to ballyhoo. Rugged, manly and having grown fa...

I really enjoyed this, It left me wanting more. It felt like you plucked out each word after careful deliberation and it works.
Good stuff.

I think I get the idea that its the uncertainty that you can't really know someone else's thoughts ultimately leaving you alone? Is reality ;to live.To truly be alone. I think may need revising, I think it could be portrayed better. Being alone has already been explained in the previous stanza. Mayb...

Its hard to stay stoic as we grow old. Malleable situations do their duties to unfold, wrinkles show on past memories and present faces, who are we to be, after falling from good graces? Youth of ignorance and innocence flow blindly, a deluge of capricious years pass us unkindly. Cynical from cyclic...

A whole life that is wrapped up in faux-leather, being misplaced in a moment of awkward faux-pas. Paper and coins, credit and debit, photos and memories, driving license and the rest of identities. A hassle, such a hassle to replace what cannot be found! Manic in a useless search of 'where did I hav...

Hi Jackie,

Fantastic feedback. I hadn't even noticed that, great to have a fresh pair of eyes looking this over. thanks.

Hi Mac,

I love the scene it sets especially with the 'rain curtains drift' image. I can help but feel it is the beginning of something longer though. Such, do the sisters get caught up in the coming stormy weather? or maybe thats the point of it.

Thanks og, it was fun to write. I can see what you mean about the "chorus" it detracts from the rest of the poems flow. I think I just wanted to use the word ultracrepidarian if I'm honest :-). I tried to fit it in because of the complimenting ee sound from epicurean to the aa of the latte...

Soporific tunes the songbirds sing outside my window, resting and pressed into my sheets deeper and deeper. Content and relaxed no reasons or meanings in store. As I reach thirty-nine winks the last abruptly ceased, an artificial alarm rings reminding me of my day ahead. I press snooze and compress ...

I love the first line, sets it up nicely. It flows well also. I would only say, does it need the 'now' in the first line of the second stanza? also maybe just destroy instead of destroys?

Hi Sharon, I love the cute imagery of the belly-buttons. It took a few reads to fully get it's meaning but it flows off the tongue so well I kept reading it over anyway. I took it as you're matter of fact about the whole situation and you don't mind he's not there because you get lost in your own 'i...

....8

Meet at elephant and castle.
I'll bring the peanuts,
and you be the princess.

Hi David, I didn't really get the format of the whole thing but I did think there was some interesting visuals. I took it to mean that you've never really felt despair or solitude but there is still something that irks you, that each day is hard to get through. Don't know if thats what you were goin...

All-knowing Nitwit The triteness despite his efforts of his idle talk and our idle silence. Using unknown idioms like an idiot, although a partisan for peculiar language. When he talks he seems aplomb. Though his knowledge is next to tenuous; claiming to know the arcane and archaic but only knowing ...

Hi David,

I agree with cynwulf about the use of the word philistine, there must be a word that is more apt.
I like the whole 'bus stop conversation style', it fits with what the poem is about.