Poetry Forum

David Funnily enough the poem wasn't supposed to end up the way it did. It did start out as being a gift to an insomniac. But then it didn't seem to have the legs for it and I ended up with a second half that I am probably not happy with. Maybe I should struggle with it and try to make it work as I ...

Mac
Thanks for your comments. I think you're right about the slow and gentle line doing something for the pacing. So I am going to try and come up with an alternative line to act as a pacing device, as I do think slow and gentle is a bit predictable.

Shijin

Binz I enjoyed the hypnotic elements of this poem. I found them evocative of the bhuddist mantra you later quote. In particular I like some of the repetitions and the way you keep expanding them - conveys that sense of progress, and a slow journey. I journey Deeper In Deeper Within Beyond Beyond rea...

Mac, here it is.....
Shijin.

early summer sky
drops its night cloth
slow and gentle
draping it quiet
in today's bright corners

houses shrug up their shoulders
enjoying dusk's silk

Thanks calxaed. Have edited again and agree that it reads better now. Thanks for your help.
Shijin.

I've packed up the moon and all night's noises I've put out the stars and the crying cats I've summoned the cool of springtime breezes And bundled up all the day's irksome frets I've gathered up all the politicians I'm afraid I threw them in the river and now I've gone and sullied the poor Thames We...

David
Laughing here. I thought that is what you mean orginally, but then I thought too hard about it (as I sometimes do) and misread you. I think it is superfluous so have deleted.

Shijin.

Thanks for you comments David. Have tried your suggestion about addition to slow and gentle.
Glad my pen name works <g.

Shijin

Thanks for your comments calxaed. I think you were right on most fronts. Not sure about the singular bright corner but will leave it like that for a bit and see how it sits with me.
Thanks for reading.
Shijin

the early summer sky
drops its night cloth
draping it quietly
in today's bright corners

houses shrug up their shoulders
enjoying dusk's silk

I didn't see the original but just wanted to say how much I particularly like the opening two lines. I also like your sparse style - I think it conveys the mood well. My only suggestion would be for the third line as below: At sub-five foot, she took his weight, and waited until he picked up his pie...

As a woman I have to say I liked the descpription of hips like chips - more for the colour they evoked than anything else. Very pasty came to mind.... Other than that I found the meter a bit difficult when reading it aloud. Wonder if something could be done to the line breaks and the punctuation to ...

Today I am bold I could do anything I could stand on the tips of my toes reach into the sky and dress myself with night diamonds I could scoop up the morning birds and wear them singing in my hair Today I have been bold I have done something I have whispered your name into that space which is fear a...

Liked the images in this. I also liked the change of pace and tone with the laughter and the shrug at the end. I do feel the line 'when your passion had been spent' is superfluous. But that may just be me? For me it has the ring of those churned out romance novels and I didn't feel it sat well in th...

Hi Really liked some of the images in your poem that have already been commented on. Was thinking about your opening lines and was wondering whether something along the following lines might work? Streets have tales to tell so listen carefully and you might hear stories of tender love and tragedy, i...