Poetry Forum

thank you all for your comments.. I shall take them all on board

The poem is taking the idea that instead of evolving we are going into reverse.

Charles Darwin sailed in a boat called the Beagle..... hence.. Charles and his dog.

I suppose I thought people would understand the reference.

I'll even send you two... one for our brother

minim, you've been to visit my relatives! dan Are we related? And.... is it okay? I need to know.. I had some shallow comments on another site from someone who reckoned they knew poetry and mine was rubbish :) A very constructive critic.....NOT! I don't mind if it is rubbish.. i just want to know h...

Devolution Why do people these days Look so unevolved? This is progress in reverse, Unravelling steadily. Mobius strips unbound and The thin veneer of civilisation Descending into ghoulish glee At the perceived misfortune of others. No compassion or charity But all self and loathing. Charles and hi...

I liked it You're a laxative waiting to happen - I hope I can remember to use that line as a put down at some point.

I loved the way this poem is almost stacatto... it stops and starts like different frames to encapsulate images.

Is a stanza a section of a poem?

Love this poem a lot.

Crazed is the right word to use I feel.... you can get glaze that appears cracked or crazed.


Porcelain you can see through - lovely imagery.

I liked this one Shep, the movment of the lines showed resignation in what the warrior is compelled to do. I also wasn't sure about the rhyme roar, do you mean 'equality's roar' ? I think you are reinforcing that she isn't picking or choosing, but treating all her victims equally, but not sure about...

Gidday Came late to this one. I found I wanted to throw the second line out completely and then I noticed rhyming couplets driving it. I guess there are other lines in there that are unnecessary too. How important was the rhyming to the piece? I think it better in the first person as well. I liked:...

Thanks for the advice you two xxxx


*takes crumpled wads of paper out of the bin and tries to smooth them out*

Hi Robert. I actually wrote the poem in the first person I should have realised it was all a mistake and I can't shake them awake, though god knows i've tried but i read some of the information on this site about writing poetry and it said you shouldn't use the first person as it alienates the reade...

Really good subject idea minim. Sorry but I have to say I found the rhyme a bit forced, and feel that, in most cases, rhyme must have a reasonable meter to go with it, otherwise the effect is lost. I'd try a rewrite in free verse. On the positive side, this line is a cracker - "Silent screams ...

Some sleep sounder when awake, You should have realised it was all a mistake. Vacant and dreamlike they move through life, Sticking their hopes with honey to the edge of a knife. Deserters from life refusing to answer the phone, Writing numbing letters to those dead and gone. You can’t shake them a...

biscuit tin with wings love it

I think anyone who has flown has had experience of people like this - shame the sedative didn't work straight away though !!!!!


Nice

I love this, and as others have said, would love to hear it performed to music. The words very clearly evoke feelings of despair and squalor, and I love the lines: She built a house where the caravan once stood - a monument erected to dreams incomplete, a wishing well and a jungle out the back, a fa...

I bet that gave the cat stomach ache !

I think you are right Mick, and will delete the last line. Thank you xxxxx

Feathers dull and tattered, eyes covered by a dazed film, The caged bird balances precariously on the edge of the abyss. With stale seed for sustenance, and standing water for its thirst, It lives a life of boredom, solitude and sadness. From where it sits, it can see through a window into another ...

A difficult and emotive theme handled well.

It reflects perfectly the ebb and flow of this type of relationship.

I like the use of short snappy vowels "twitching bitch" which gives the feeling of violence, and the barely controlled contriteness.

The ending is a nice twist.

Thank you xxx

Thank you for the posivite comments and feedback everyone. xxxx

Hi Dave! This intrigues me. The slight changes to the second part throw a different complexion on the first, which at first seems straight forward. At first I wondered if it were a loved pet that had been sadly run over, but the line The passion we felt is addictive. implies something else. Is the c...

If you doubt the hilarity, just wait til Kris or Keith get genuinely angry. Or Arco finds someone to argue with about meter. Does he need some money for it? *seaches in the bottom of her purse for some coins* :lol: :lol: *runs and hides before pseud gets angry at the thread sabotage* :wink:

Thanks Mick! I think I understand what you and Globus mean about show not tell. I have written other poems which expand on this, but I will need to review them I think in line of comments and suggestions I have been picking up from the site generally. I am a little in awe of some of the people who p...

Jester, I apologise, I have a rather odd sense of humour. :) The electric sheep thing is from 'Do androids dream of electric sheep'. This was a book, that was turned into the film, Blade Runner. It is a bit of a paradox, as androids are robots, so do robots actually dream? And if they did dream, wha...