Poetry Forum

Ros, Ray, and Boat, Oh! YES! I much appreciate your observations! Ros, I am struggling with the cloud thing as well, so thanks for mentioning it. Was the mood too dark? Yes, in some cases it takes hundreds or thousands of years to make it back to the aquifer Ray, You are absolutely correct! Thanks f...

Ray,

I liked this poem, found it interesting in its comparisons, imagery, and phrasing.

One small thing though, I found the following redundant since it was obvious.

"Like Cortes I came, like natives she went,
vanquished to that darker continent"

Interesting poem

Steve

thank you David. Excellent points I will consider
Steve

David,
Made me smile! What a perfectly painted scenario in few words.
Thanks
Steve

Transition Rain rolls off the cobblestones as it does my head, more easily now with the passage of time downward along contours, indentations soaking my Harris tweed. A stiff bird drifts among discarded debris shreds of paper, plastic, cigarette butts, opaque eyes unaware as it tumbles into the gap...

YES! What ARE they talking about?!

Can we agree, never again?

JJ

Lots to identify with in this poem! I found your new ending spot on. Much better.

Steve

What a great opening line! Love it.

eyes so keen they see
the imprint of DNA run through
its unsuspecting quarry


You have some great lines and imagery. Another that I very much like:

wrapped around a scented
taste of cloudless sky

Enjoyed this

Steve

Nicely crafted and pleasing to read. The only thing that seemed a bit at odds to me was the use of the word "sacrifice" in the last stanza. But of course, we all approach interpretation through our own lens, right? This poem resonated with me because I planted two apple trees when my child...

David,
I like that suggestion. Thank you!
Steve

Trobbo,

An excellent point that I had not considered! I will ponder that.

Thanks!

Steve

I absolutely love the opening. Sets the tone immediately! "An offensive mirror produces my face" and, to me, you nailed the ending. "like grey mists rising on a moor, seeking fresh lungs to embalm. I see a shadow of someone waiting. And that someone is me" However, it seems to me...

Thank you Pauline!
I appreciate your thoughts. You and the others have helped me see those nuances that make it much better.

Thank you Mac, Ray, Tristan, and JJ and TonyMac for the helpful crits. I very much appreciate it. I do feel changing to "our tacit agreement" is stronger and I see how much better it is to change the line breaks.

Thanks!

Steve

I liked this poem and is one I would find myself re-reading. For me, the feeling of sadness came through more than the anger, and If a recent event, I would expect both to be about equal On S2 I liked "salty rivers" but the metaphor lost a little for me as rivers run more horizontally. Lik...

Communication On my window sill rests a nesting grey dove. She looks at me unmoving, secure in the hard transparency which has become our tacit agreement. One day I slowly open the window. She flies Communication Outside my window resting on the sill is a nesting grey dove. I watch her daily. She lo...

Taken in Tallin, Estonia

Suzanne, I very much enjoyed this poem. To me the feeing of longing is there. It is powerfully sesual. I think your line about the scarf is very good: "the scarf you bought rests like your ghost around my shoulders." I found highly suggestive and erotic the juxtoposition a gondala passing ...

Suzanne, A poem that resonated with me. I very much like how you contrasted the "limbs." Your first and last stanzas are like bookends to me, and when viewed through the lens of the title, cause me to think that, what you are talking about is clearly resilience over something much greater ...

Conception I inherited the map in ’53, a thousand years in the making, just off a street in Costa Rica where a single candle lighted the human parchment with ancient letters, and stories of heroes and villains violated maidens Greek blood of Thalassemia intermingled in a rising opera. Life is deter...

Suzanne, Thanks! I completely agree. Besides, a break in the clouds gives one, sky, right? A break in the sky gives one ??? I too am not satisfied with the title. Suggestions would be appreciated. You pegged the message with your quote: "have the courage to walk away from things that no longer ...

Ray,
'You developed the character well and gave us a good closing. Fun read
Steve

Suzanne, Great poem indeed. I am in agreement with the others. I certainly would not have the expertise to suggest changes that JJ or Ray didn't uncover. After multiple times reading it (and each time finding a new gem), I was struck by the comment of traveling along the north-south lanes. I get a s...

JJ

Thanks! This helps.

And yes, the reference to parricide was jarring to me in that context precisely because of the meaning. I like the mystery, and I would like you to add to it, not necessarily take it out. I am looking forward to seeing where this goes.

This is interesting.

Steve