Poetry Forum

Poverty like an empty chalice;
Stella you slut.

Judge me and I’ll keep chugging.
Gulp, gulp in sync with my pulse.
(Slowing).

Down it, down the throat,
Out the bottle
Which is a boat on my bloody ocean.
I’m not drunk.

Liquid obsession,
Supplied to my suicidal demand.

I like the concept, but I would consider ending the stanza before the rhetorical question.
Also, rephrase the question too.

Like the dreamy repetitions but the last stanza disappoints me, though. Wonder if you might end the whole poem on 'grey clouds on a grey setting' Thank you, to be honest, when I was writing, I was caught between ending at "grey setting" or going on for a kind of finale. I think you may be...

On a foggy morning Under a soggy tree hanging; Wet ribbons hanging, Walk the twiggy feet of a pigeon couple. A pigeon pair, But also individuals. They walk under a soggy tree. One bright white with grey wings. The other with grey feathers only. Early birds on a walk; A Stroll in the morning. Under b...

I did like this poem, but I feel like there may be too many things going on.

I love what is says about humanity,
beautiful and genius.

The aim of this poem was to corroborate Nietzsche. And yes I was influenced by Thus spoke. My as a whole the poem may come across as pretentious however, after reading Thus spoke Zarathustra you may think the same about that. The messge: I include some minor biblical references to paint a picture, e...

Hi I rather liked this line.. Looks like, life in a barrel Hope that the comma is redundant and you are saying thay they look like life is a barrel? Wonder why there a comma here? Quite, concise Not sure. Should it be "listening"? Listing to songs from before my time. Seth Some really goo...

I agree with Ben - it is very long. I think that a lot of the individual verses could be written up into poems in their own right, which would be interesting to see. On the other hand, I can see that, as a performance piece, the length would add to the cumulative effect. Is that an intentional refe...

Lips like a straight edge. Glossy eyes; almost high. Silent type, Doesn't say much, Quite, concise; mostly. Emotional. But I can’t tell you why, Looks like, life in a barrel Closed sky, encircled Blue ceiling. Puffs of white drifting by. Puffs of smoke, headphones: Listing to songs from before my ti...

Very powerful, I like that
really immersing tone.

Only thing I would do to change it is to divide it into two stanzas
seems like there's a few too many concepts going on.

I really enjoyed this poem, all apart from the "chump" bit

that metaphor about smoking coffee dust was brilliant.

To improve, I think the whole thing could be a bit shorter.

I loved everything but:
Builds my heart and Warms my gut

Maybe a deeper set of metaphors?

Read along side the audio; for my intended effect. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9wZBuerEOw4&feature=youtu.be -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I am who I am, a fiery bush And I'm dead sa...

I like the simile "drowned flowers" its very deep
I also like your phonology; mostly your tone, very sparse and almost detached.
To improve: In my opinion, just keep a more regular rhyme scheme.
To me it would suit the poem better.

I do like the concept,
I think to improve you could look at rhythm and rhyme, I'm not too sure if I'm with it.
I do like the big image produced by your sort of extra-terrestrial lexis
But without the little note at the bottom, I think the poetry might be over ambiguous.

(Listen and read https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ATQNfW7TMMc&feature=youtu.be ) “Oh no, Oh no You’ve left me alone” Said a sad, empty voice. My voice, a white bird on a journey: flying between point A and B, Listening to songs I can’t answer. “Foreign to me!” The land I fly between is full of od...

The phonology was great, I couldn't get this sparse and desperate tone out of my head; when reading. It was entirely semantic with the title. Rhyme scheme was interesting as well.
Only way I would change it would be to separate it into differing stanzas, to open up the poem a bit more.

Brilliant metaphor, really enjoyed that.

I thought, it was good; especially with the "friendships stubble" part
However, may be a slight bit over-ambiguous.

I'm getting that

"instead of thickening the glass

where thought is stuck
and bubbled in
a sealed and looping "

is about a bong, if so I like the portrayal

To me, this suggests an encounter with some beautiful tropical fish, I love the lexical choice, like technicolour or multi-verse, semantically I think it fits the message.
And the sensory elements were immersing, for example "nibble"

Cultural Suicide Dressed in all black, as if I'm on my way to a funeral I get under the duvet and try to die for 6 hours as usual. As I lie, my eyes want to roll under the lids; Since movement isn't random enough, or random at all, I'm awake. I can’t do it. Falling is for losers and I can’t lose. Bu...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qp9WuJ_dzfo Click the link, Give me a voice in your head. Where you think, where you think. Online Prison The App markets are like fishermen catching our generation into a net we call the internet. Social media, filling her mind with everything wrong about her kind: T...

The final stanza is brilliant, I really enjoyed the imagery created, for example "hope in heaven"