Poetry Forum

Hello Robocop, I have to agree with David. I hope, since you list this as "First ever Poem", that you will not be discouraged by any of the comments people might make here. It is only opinion, but I have always found that the folks here, know what they're talking about. Firstly I was puzzl...

Good Morning Cynwulf and Firebird, I didn't know that little snippet about being C being interrupted, wish I had, I could have thought of something so much funnier as a response. Thanks for sharing C. Firebird, thank you so much for your kind words. I did get a bit obsessed for a few days with it, b...

Hi Kevj, Thank you very much, It is still in progress, I just don't seem to want to let it lie LOL. Yes of course it should be the mirror before me, I think I've read it so many times that I just see what I think should be there and not what actually is there. Thanks for pointing that out, I would n...

Thanks Mac,

I do take your point, and yes it is still quite long, shorter than it was, but.......

Anyway, I'll see what I can do.

Best

Mark

Hi JJ, You're more than welcome, it's always better of course, if the observations are actually of any use, but at least I'm trying (very at times) :lol: By the way, I didn't mean to insult with the fop dandy thing, I hope you didn't take it as such. I'll go play with the traffic now LOL. Best regar...

Hello LeumaS, I like your work, I think it has potential. The first stanza paints a really nice image, the second I found a little harder to connect with, but still I liked it. Could I offer some thoughts for you to consider? First is that I think it would benefit from a little more punctuation. I t...

Hi fifimae, You're more than welcome. To answer your question about what it made me feel, I would have to say that it gave me a sense of isolation, almost like you (or the protagonist) is the only person in the whole landscape. It has a mystical quality that I like very much and a sense of stillness...

Hi Mac, Thanks for you thoughts, I know there's still some way to go. I'm trying here to describe a personal experience from the point of view of the person experiencing it ie. me LOL, so it's quite hard to do without using the I/me thing. I have been working quite a lot on making it less obscure, a...

Hello nar, I'm liking this, but was a bit confused. Is she bisexual, or are they both bipolar? If it's the latter, then perhaps swapping L1 and L2 would get the concept out quicker. I do think too that some more punctuation would help. I know it's a choice to leave it out on your part as you have us...

Hi fifimae, I don't think of myself as any great critic but, as a rule, I only critique things that I like, so that's a good start eh? :lol: I Am Beneath Autumn I. Where slowly the soft, sharp fog----------------------------can fog be sharp? I'm not feeling this modifier. draws the pink sky to the g...

Hi JJ, Another wonderful rendering of idyllic scenes. Ever since I read "Beautiful me", I can't help but read much of your work with the twang of foppishness, I think you're really a secret Dandy, trapped out of time :lol: Might I make a leave a couple of observations? You prosper when the...

It's probably 2, the little buggers are eating my garden to bits LOL.

I'm not usually a fan of this style, but your piece is thought provoking and I do like it.

Best regards

Mark

Hi folks, I've had a good look at this piece, and although there were lots of nice words that went together quite well, many people have said, (and I believe it myself), that it was quite opaque, they could tell there was a story there somewhere, but not exactly what it might be. I've tried to decon...

Hi David,

I think the line you have now is fine, but I really like your original too

Mark

Hi David, This is a clever idea, I liked it a lot. I didn't know the book, but now I have an idea of what it may be about. I can't really add anything new to the crits others have given, only to say that I had trouble interpreting the first line. I'm not sure who is speaking to who? Are you addressi...

P.S. to Cynwulf,

I didn't get the Porlock thing, do they have lazy front stoops there? lol

Thank you, both Ros and JJ, I do completely take your point Ros, it has to be coherent in and of itself and I do intend to revise it some, but it's really hard :lol: my poor brain was thrumming lol. Ok, ok, I might even try to trim some of the thrumming (but I have to keep the odd one here 'n' there...

Hi JJ, I think both you and Ros, got there at about the same time, but I saw Ros' comment first. You do however, get the prize for guessing the title. As I said to Ros, I tried to keep syllable for syllable to the original, which for me at least seems also to jump around a bit with the meter, but it...

:D :lol: :P First prize to Ros. Hello Ros, I'm so glad you got it, it was killing me to keep it in LOL. I started off with the first couple of lines, then before I knew it, I was trying to go through the whole thing. Thankfully I stopped before the last 2 Stanzas. I did I think keep, syllable for sy...

Hi Cynwulf and Katherine, Thank you both for your comments. I'm glad you both liked it, under the circumstances, it tells me I didn't do too bad a job. I know you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, and I'm dying to just blurt it out, but at the same time, I want to wait a little longer, to ...

Good evening JJ, Very pleasant Cumbrian ditty, I like it a lot. Dram, I'm sure is fine, though I did think it Scottish, we even used it in Hull, so I'm sure the Cumbrians can say it too LOL. No nits, no crits, to me it's perfect as is. Is a' short for "all"? That's how I was reading it any...

Hi Ray, No you're quite right. There's nothing offensive about the subject matter or the words used to describe it, sorry if you were disappointed :lol: (After reading such a disclaimer I know I would be straight in there looking for the cause of such offence). There is a reason. What could be consi...

Revision No1. In my back yard did noble queen A splendid royal palace build: Where flows a golden river, then Through corridors untrod by men Down to her chamber spilled. So fifty thousand humble slaves With wax construct these endless caves; And in my back yard, flush with alfresco rooms, Where gro...

Thank you Mac and Cynwulf, Mac I think you're right, a little overdone with the questions already! No, the Fog Men Club (F.M.C. for short), is quite exclusive, male only membership. Women have the "Ladies in the Mist" club, associated branch of the F.M.C., and the little ones have the &quo...

Oh Lauren, I like this a lot. Hello again, This is a lovely piece. I read it several times, first couple just to enjoy its voice and then to try and find something to nit about, but really there is very little I could pin point. Only a few tiny things that sort of stuck out a tad, to me at least. S2...