David,
This all very helpful for me. I feared it was too cliched and appreciate the advice of telling/showing.
I plan on putting this one aside and coming back to it again in a few weeks.
Regards,
Lauren
Search found 18 matches
- Wed May 06, 2015 7:46 pm
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
- Topic: Moment - Revision
- Replies: 10
- Views: 3018
- Tue May 05, 2015 11:57 pm
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
- Topic: London to Sheffield
- Replies: 15
- Views: 3954
Re: London to Sheffield
David,
This is a wonderful piece. Finding Lonesome Dove left on a train - fortuitous! The ending is beautiful as you pass along your find to the next lucky voyager.
I have a a minor suggestion - removing the parentheses from (People on the train look at me strangely.)
Best,
Lauren
This is a wonderful piece. Finding Lonesome Dove left on a train - fortuitous! The ending is beautiful as you pass along your find to the next lucky voyager.
I have a a minor suggestion - removing the parentheses from (People on the train look at me strangely.)
Best,
Lauren
- Tue May 05, 2015 11:51 pm
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
- Topic: Moment - Revision
- Replies: 10
- Views: 3018
Re: Moment - Revision
Thanks to all for the helpful tips. I liked the sound of "careening," but I was intending the North American definition. I will work on the pruning as suggested
Lauren
Lauren
- Mon May 04, 2015 3:23 pm
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
- Topic: Moment - Revision
- Replies: 10
- Views: 3018
Re: Moment
Hi Mark and Mac, Thanks for the comments. I am here to receive feedback and hopefully improve. Mac - I was worried that this might be a bit too verbose/stilted, but it is a narrative. I am transitioning from prose and working on "less is more." The original was much, much worse - trust me!...
- Mon May 04, 2015 1:47 am
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
- Topic: Moment - Revision
- Replies: 10
- Views: 3018
Moment - Revision
Revision 1: Side by side in the mists of warm spring rain. The click of heels on worn, dark cobbled streets. No cars, no horns, time is suspended. This magical corner of the city Becomes our drawing room for a moment. Talk of the day, tomorrow and the stars; Gazes firmly set on the horizon. Souls ta...
- Mon May 04, 2015 1:40 am
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
- Topic: They
- Replies: 13
- Views: 2957
Re: They
I truly enjoyed reading this, including the last line. The ending question mark leads me to think that you are making a sort of transition to becoming one of "them."
Cheers,
Lauren
Cheers,
Lauren
- Mon May 04, 2015 1:36 am
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
- Topic: Light pollution
- Replies: 3
- Views: 1373
Re: Light pollution
I enjoyed reading this and like what you've done with the spacing of the words, reinforcing the endless sky you describe. It's a beautiful idea. I am a novice, so please take any comments from me lightly, but the word "consternations" disrupted the flow for some reason. The sound of the wo...
- Mon May 04, 2015 1:31 am
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
- Topic: Breaking the Bough (V5 much revised)
- Replies: 17
- Views: 4969
Re: Breaking the Bough Revision No.3
Hi Mark, This is a long work, but I did read it through several times as it is intriguing. There is a tremendous amount of energy here and I like that. As someone ( I forget) posted earlier, I can imagine this working well in a performance. I don't think you should cut anything else; I think it's to...
- Fri May 01, 2015 5:06 am
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
- Topic: Duende
- Replies: 13
- Views: 2759
Re: Duende
Thank you, Ray. I like "into" here. I have reworked things and am just posting a revision.
- Thu Apr 30, 2015 2:27 am
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
- Topic: The Wisher (Revision No.2)
- Replies: 11
- Views: 2275
Re: The Wisher
Hi Mark,
This is nice and it made me smile. I'm new here, so take my advice with a grain of salt, but how about:
"Like his heart that spills over" instead of "floweth."
Lauren
This is nice and it made me smile. I'm new here, so take my advice with a grain of salt, but how about:
"Like his heart that spills over" instead of "floweth."
Lauren
- Wed Apr 29, 2015 2:00 pm
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
- Topic: Duende
- Replies: 13
- Views: 2759
Re: Duende
Hi Mac,
Thanks for the idea. I am really deliberating over how to proceed. Maybe "Duende" should be the title of a future work?
L
Thanks for the idea. I am really deliberating over how to proceed. Maybe "Duende" should be the title of a future work?
L
- Wed Apr 29, 2015 1:57 pm
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
- Topic: Duende
- Replies: 13
- Views: 2759
Re: Duende
Hi Mark, The concept of duende in Spanish art was what I was attempting to convey...Federico Garcia Lorca wrote about it. He talks about the duende being an emotional darkness, an earth spirit that inspires an artist. The resulting art, regardless of the form, has a powerful intensity. It is derived...
- Wed Apr 29, 2015 2:19 am
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
- Topic: Regarding Ivy (line break edit S3)
- Replies: 24
- Views: 4532
Re: Regarding Ivy (line break edit S3)
Very elegant. It works equally well when interpreted literally or for deeper meaning.
- Wed Apr 29, 2015 2:10 am
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
- Topic: Duende
- Replies: 13
- Views: 2759
Re: Duende
Hi Mac, Thank you for the input. I'm trying to convey the concept of emotional darkness giving rise to artistic expression. I feared that it would be difficult to make the link. I am fascinated by words and concepts that do not have English language equivalents. Thanks again for the feedback - I hav...
- Tue Apr 28, 2015 7:58 pm
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
- Topic: Riffage
- Replies: 16
- Views: 4016
Re: Riffage
I enjoyed reading, but spent a great deal of time considering the title.
For me, "riffage" evokes an association with music. Is there a tie to the dissonance in the poem itself? A thought-provoking title is always welcome.
For me, "riffage" evokes an association with music. Is there a tie to the dissonance in the poem itself? A thought-provoking title is always welcome.
- Tue Apr 28, 2015 7:50 pm
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
- Topic: Duende
- Replies: 13
- Views: 2759
Re: Duende
Thank you for the kind welcome, Peter. I have been waffling with the punctuation and this is very helpful. I will work on this and post a revision later.
L
L
- Mon Apr 27, 2015 11:28 pm
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
- Topic: Duende
- Replies: 13
- Views: 2759
Duende
Thanks for the suggestions - all very helpful and constructive :D Revised: Where does it begin? How can this darkness create light Pulsing from the velvety black depths? There is no hiding, No retreat into the warm cocoon Coiling, twisting, encasing my heart. This is the magic: To let the darkness m...
- Mon Apr 27, 2015 11:01 pm
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
- Topic: A Heart Tells All (revision2)
- Replies: 15
- Views: 3391
Re: A Heart Tells All (revised)
I really enjoyed reading this and love the concept. My only suggestion is to consider revising the line about the hum of the bee. Given the act of using the toothbrush vigorously, I would think about comparing the hum to work performed by the bee. You may want to ignore this advice, as I am a true n...