Poetry Forum

Thanks Dave....I can see now this obviously needs some serious working over...LOL, best get on it... any more suggestions welcome, in the mean time....i must refine.

Stevie

No, your both right, I don't want it to be a mystery. The subject matter came from an old girlfriend, the poem itself was rendered from a dream she had....I just cant figure out a way to keep the mystery, the ethereal nature of the poem, without spoiling it... I know it needs work, and welcome sugge...

maybe you right, its meaning is a private thing... one thing its not, is a death sequence. Thanks all the same for your time and effort.

How bout this for a revised version..... I must quickly get away...... Right away. Away to anywhere, A place without ancient mistakes, The pain of Insanity alleviated, I get to escape, But sickly crazed your left there, Right there. There- bleeding thought on the wall, I'm watching in slow motion, I...

I like simple, straightforward writing like this. The problem I see with it is that it uses cliches in some spots where, if it didn't, it would hit a lot harder and be a lot clearer. The four big spots were: The pain of loss alleviated This doesn't tell us much. What loss? What pain? The beginning ...

Golden feet tread lightly, silver platters soon get served. A door creaks open slightly, beyond is night unstirred. Golden feet move on now, unsure of path to go. Route chosen though unknown how, Golden feet just seem to flow. The dark beyond grows deeper, the shadows loom in close. No thought of si...

Thanks for the warning

Hen Hao....!

Made me laugh

I think everything has been said bar concerning the first line of the second stanza.... the ''hiss'' of the streets and the tracks of their feet.....hiss is a sound, onomatapia...maybe change tracks to ''tramps'' as its also a sound and would improve consistancy. Then again the second line in the 2n...

Not really my cup of tea chap...seems a bit like a list of regrets/woes...almost like a sort of depressed to do list, well thats how it FEELS to my mind....a bunch of problems needing solving...where has life gone, has it just begun? Time to do something about it.... Angst angst angst.... There's po...

Right-oh Baz.

Strikes a chord after hearing these news reports of rehab clinics for video game junkies doesn't it.

Why did you pick such an old game though?

Stevie

I must quickly get away...... Right away. Away to anywhere, A place without ancient mistakes, The pain of loss alleviated, I get to escape, But sick Insanity leaves you there, Right there. There- bleeding on the wall, I'm watching in slow motion, Its almost like a charicature, My failure unfolds, Se...

Hello folks,

I can't begin to tell you the pleasure i'm feeling at finding this place. I've been on DA but not been lucky enough to find somewhere specifically poetic.
'Til now.


Stevie