Poetry Forum

my initial thoughts were that there was no need for a final stanza. it was almost like it had gone on long enough but without it the poem isnt quite complete - think that the final stanza needs an overhaul just to bring it inline with the quality of the rest of the piece. lovely to read you :) donna

loved this piece to bits

the rhythm and rhyme are spot on and the lyrics oh wow

bravo

donna

i read it and it felt empty and lost --- the emotion is there but it needs a kick up the backside to turn it into what it could be.

nice reading you Steve

donna

ooooops sorry !!!!!!

please feel free to inundate my inbox as you see fit

take care

donna

Accompaniment But maybe like an onion- ----- maybe lose the dash all those concealed layers. ----- why the need for a full stop? Maybe I am nothing but mysteriously new layers ----- but mysterious new leaves for you to peel off, one at a time only to discover - what is under ---- comma instead of a...

i'll raise my confederate flag :) "Inquisitors wet dream" --- would've kept the flow of the rhyme too instead of splitting it up. i love the imagery on second reading with nice visuals and doesn't require much to sort out the rhyme either :) like quite a lot of my poetry - could be tighter...

Hi donna, I agree with ray on his suggestions and questions. Mostly about the unnatural phrasing to make the end rhyme. On my first glance, i thought there are so many "the"s that it reads too much like a list of attribute of the photograph. Nice to see you back, Suzanne Hi Suzanne :) jus...

I'm slightly confused by what you've said cos I thought that by having the bus with the mental imagery of death carried it on but I'd love to see your thoughts on this

Am glad that this piece stands on its own though

donna

the title had me thinking of "Jolene by The White Stripes" --- but that song is all about love and potential loss. but then all the other referencing was in there which threw me sumwhat. glad i read the other comments though for an explanation as to what was going on :) I wouldn't have tho...

i've not seen the film.

but the second stanza says it all. a snipers eye view as he lies totally still and quiet as does the butterfly, just waiting for their moment to strike.

it's got a contented tranquility to it - like the calm before a storm hits.

really enjoyed the imagery

donna

the bridge spanned the deep waters running quickly below the vast darkness the eerily quiet surroundings interspersed with violent screams the church bell swinging to and fro silenced only by the fluid motion below black and consuming loss of life there's a lot to be said for the afterlife the waves...

what did you to this piece? It was all going so well - the rhythm and rhyme were bang on until about half way through and then it just went missing. In case anyone is wondering it's the third line of each stanza and then it gets to "late that summer" which could be "summer free" ...

enjoyed this a lot

painting pretty pictures of the sorts of things i used to do as a kiddie

well penned and well thought out

donna

the sarcasm in this piece is infered.

You picked up and look at the the unused shoes, dress and coat - never likely to be worn, like they were a waste and a memory of what could/should and might have been.

donna

Glad you got this poem to a point where you're happy with it

i really like both versions of this poem :) I like the imagery (I have seen beavers and they are like ghosts at times) that runs through this piece but don't understand why the boat is there though because a boat the size of the mayflower wouldn't have got anywhere near true beaver territory, so to ...

Given that we all including me know that this piece is fundamentally flawed. I've just dug out the book that i had this poem written down in. This poem in its original format and wording was accredited with 2 x read of the day awards (one on a US board and one on the Aussie board I use) plus the Aus...

Hi Donna You have some interesting natural images throughout this piece but overall it's gerund and adjective heavy. Too many 'ing' words can weaken a poem, some seeing them as a distraction due to repetition, others claiming they 'show' rather than 'tell' (I'm on the fence with that one) . I have ...

Hi, Have you gotten some feedback to help you get this where you want it? What are you thinking about the title? Ido you have the other pieces that went with this one? Suzanne Hi Suzanne :) I'm all pens with this one cos even though this poem is out there, I've not had any meaningful feedback at al...

Brian thank you for the compliments

shame that i write for the BNP then isn't it?

donna

sorry to knit pick but in your poem you mention "white billowing clouds" - so if the clouds are white then why not just put "and crisp greens, set in a blue summer sky" and leave the white out? just makes more sense to me - sorry the imagery is there it just needs a touch of fine...

really liking the imagery in this piece

but "blue and white summer" -- why not just summer?

the ending is really good cos it gives your piece a complete ending

really nice to read you

donna

the "it" is the rock face that is mentioned in the poem

hope this helps

donna

Mac thank you for pointing that out - it hadn't even crossed my mind until you pointed it out LoL

maybe then it just needs summat to make it "stand out" rather "ping"

donna

an unnatural storm - maybe one that bites your when you're not looking - i get the point though. the school science lesson was more to do with the theme that was running through all the pieces i put forward. if i remember this was one a few that i didn't think at the time made the grade but the poet...

Hi David :) On reading it back and paying more attention to the piece - i understand where you're coming from --- just not sure why those "errors" haven't been picked up on elsewhere cos it's been up on quite a few of the US and Aussie poetry boards and no one has mentioned them. the word ...