Poetry Forum

Thank you, David.

Sorry to be tardy acknowledging. I've been away for a while.

Funny how this one starts off so well then goes flat. So far I can't think how to prop it up.

Thanks, Ray and Ros,

Good to hear this. Will go have a lie down and think how to invigorate this.

Good afternoon Suzanne,

Nice pruning

To me, the poem is much better now and the title complements it nicely.

I like this, both its imagery and its thoughts. Each line adds effectively to the overall feeling.

‘What now?’ the quidnunc queried, taking umbrage and the last chair empty at the restaurant table. ‘Who's et up all the sausage, and the rhymes? You’ll find couplets end uncoupled ending lines with umbrage , Uncle. Next you’ll plump for orange . That globose globe of juicy gold thwarts rhyme.’ When ...

Thanks for this read. An interesting story (and title) engagingly told.

Yep, it's just at this stage too loopy.

You have certainly pinned the specimen accurately. Good portrayal of a certain type of person. I'm not sure how the title fits the poem.

To me, this one works against itself, reading a bit like a prose report. It seems to need pruning, removing for example 'For a birch' and 'I suppose' and 'when I noticed'. I'm not quite sure why sitting in the tub saved the boy's arms nor why including that fact helps the poem. It may well be just m...

Nice one. A good example of less is more, with the terser revision stronger than the original.

JJ,

While I know this, 'is a serious poetry forum not a "love-in"' and although I do not have any 'detailed, constructive criticism' for your FINDING MARIA, I do want to say that I enjoyed reading it. It is a compellingly told story with attractive word use.

Thank you for writing to me about this one, ablackfoot.

I shall take your comments along with me to revision city. An interesting aspect of poetry is how differently different people read the same poem.

For example, I saw only one speaker here.

Hello Alan. You've a good poem here, but I'm afraid I've got the phrase every poet dreads - I much prefer the original, Hello Ray, It's good to hear this from you and I appreciate your comments. This poem is really getting a workout. Pretty soon I shall be sorting it by phoneme trying for the right...

David, Many thanks for your response here. Industrial strength critiques are what I was looking forward to in the Poets' Graves Workshop, and yours and the others here help me learn how to improve. The notes would be better in a separate comment at the foot of the thread, Alan, but we can leave them...

I've bedn watching the replies and think the edit is better than the first. ... The last two lines are the hardest to tie together. ... "Bit of fear" doesnt seem right and though i have thought about it, i can not say why! Many thanks, Suzanne. Hopefully revision 2 will be better again an...

Suzanne wrote:But should i change it to poters? Opinions?

Perhaps not to 'poters'

but maybe 'porters' if that is what they were. When I read the poem I guessed they were military.

JJWilliamson wrote:I think that should be ok.

Thanks, JJ.

Its really beautiful to me - I feel for some reason I can relate - but it is creepy too. I know mystery may make poetry here but I can't feeling some of the action is too obscure. What are the canaries? Just a metaphor? What are the black beetles hawking wares? Is that a British thing? Spotify stan...

I like this. I'm not sure, though, about black beetles instilling fear. and I wonder when life happens where I’ll be. is a great line. The drank/shrank rhyme struck me rather forcefully. Ros Thank you for your read and helpful comments, Ros. I am taking them on board in the revision where I will al...

Thank you for your very useful critique, JJ. It helped me see where revisions are necessary. I have had a happy time this morning working on emendations. What is the procedure for posting revisions, post them in the same thread? I shall include my detailed replies with the revision. Best regards, Alan

cynwulf wrote: Alan, the water of the canal here is, strangely, clear as glass, surprising as it runs through a heavily industrial area, the struggle was about 2ft down well above the caddis which were also easy to see on the canal bed

Thanks for clearing that up for me

Stay — Revision 2 (6 September 2015, title was 'September Song') What passed for conversation while we drank, sounds of turned pages, steps of passers by, punctuated pauses deep and dank. Good humour gave up last attempts to fly. Tin-caged canaries fell but we ignored their clatter, being in oursel...

Sharp and good reporting of impressions, Cynwulf.

This one line Deeper writhing wreathed in blood, seems to ring false if I'm reading it correctly, because while the poem is about your impressions I don't think you could 'see' this.

Best regards,

Alan

Nicely turned mystery in Venice, Suzanne.

Especially good image/lines: Keys passed, scuffed suitcases totter
like old men to the elevator.

Best regards,

Alan

Your opening line drew me in and you kept my attention all through the poem. I like the scenes and the way you portray them. The extensive Italian naming of things works in small doses, and I wonder is the poem's target readership people who know Venice and/or Italian? I got a bit lost as to what th...