Poetry Forum

Jules, Thank you for the comments. As you correctly pointed out, I had intended imitate the ambiguity of dreams using different landscapes and the poem was meant to be about an episode of sleep paralysis which makes the dream feel endless. I understand I failed to get that point across with clarity ...

Perry Thank you for your helpful comments. I appreciate you recognizing the effort put into creating complete, grammatically correct sentences. I understand how the poem's premise might not be interesting for all readers and I intend to work around its theme keeping your critique in mind. Thanks aga...

It is clear that my clouded thoughts disperse and I am more awake when I am asleep at home: sober and alert. When the lights switch off at night, I quietly sneak out the door And run to a vast, dark mansion on the outskirts of my mind. No winds blow here. I am walking down the hallways of an abandon...

David- I apologise for sounding curt while responding to the critiques. I'll be sure to post a more detailed response to each comment the next time.
Regards,
hwp.

Tristian, Thank you for reading my work. I agree with you on needing to add more details and imagery to the body of the poetry and I will be posting a revision soon. TS, Thanks for the read. Even though I didn't refer to the Thesaurus while using the word inculcate, I understand it doesn't blend wel...

A brook of whiskey splashes against the rocks, rattling the glass being filled repeatedly. Technicoloured rays strike my fatigued face, performing a familiar drama- that you hated. The charred incense of your brimming ashtray inculcates memories of how your breath tastes. These eerie sounds, These g...

Just for tonight
no strings attached
it felt right
I felt wrong
necessary evil
tales it's place.

Trobbo44, This is one endearing read, especially after reading JJ's comment. A haiku does not need a title, so you can scrape it off. Also, I figure the absence of a coherent image pertaining to nature makes it more of a micro poem with counted line breaks. Although I'm no expert, I guess a seasonal...

Ian,
Thanks for the great suggestions. Will surely use them while revising
Regards,
hwp.

Thanks to everyone for their ever helpful suggestions. There will hopefully be revision of this piece soon as it's a topic I feel too strongly about. JJ- I will surely take your idea of incorporating more Indian elements into the poem on board. I was earlier skeptical because I realized a lot of cul...

Pat, Luce, JJ Williamson, Ros, Pauline, David, Ian, Seth - thank you for taking the time out to read and analyze this piece. I feel like the message I was trying convey through this rant was not clear enough to most. (Ian and Seth's analysis was spot on, though.) I will try to give a little bit of c...

Little girls blossoming in a society where razor hands cut off rose laying petals for culprits to walk. Too tall, too short, too curvy or not, comparing themselves to airbrushed bodies; loathing what they've got. Growing up as the weaker sex- paid unequally, groped nonconsensually, treated discrimin...

ManOfWar, I like the colorful descriptions of this poem, but fumbled along the lines to find the ideas converging into something coherent. You can get rid of art in the title(just a suggestion); it's a nice way to engage the reader by making him guess it himself. Standing picking his nose, --Standin...

Tristian- Glad you liked the last stanza! I understand that my first two stanzas are a bit weak and I plan to work on them. Thanks for your critique. David- Yes, my name is Sargam :) Thanks for your detailed critique. You have made some really good points. Katherine- I'm glad it evoked a memory. Tha...

Luce, I love how succinct and crisp this piece of work is. It works very well with the title and the theme is quite appealing and unconventional. Orange is the highlight of the poem; it paints a striking picture in the reader's mind. I'm curious as to know what prompted you to use 'flip flops'. Rega...

She lies beside me at night on the cool beach sand, lungs intoxicated by that lit cigarette in her hand. She narrates the bygone stories, I meet her friends and folk, taking long drags every interval she corrupts the breeze with smoke. She turns to me with a grin, her lips: cracked and rough, but be...

"What makes her company fairly tolerable is that she doesn't question all those wounds; doesn't enquire about the origin of all those scars. As she peels off every layer of my array, she pretends to be oblivious to the black and blue hues of my skin, bestowed by the steel buckle of my father's ...

Is it okay to post translations for any other poems written in languages not mentioned above?

Cynwulf,
Glad you enjoyed the poem!
Kafir is usually used by Muslims to describe someone who is not Muslim ( follows another faith).
But now it's very commonly used in India by other religions to describe a person who does not follow their religion.

Justforkix, Moth,
Thank you for your valuable inputs. I will consider them while editing the poem.

The magical white powder assembled in neat lines, here - to kill off my worries and sanity, transport me to my blank canvas of endless possibilities. Where squirrels eat pizzas and ride bikes, red eyed mice play hopscotch, as I watch the skies throw multicoloured patterns, like kaleidoscopes. A shri...

Luce,
Thank you for your ever helpful comments. They are much appreciated.

JJWilliamson,
Thank for going through the post. This is- fortunately, not autobiographical. It's just an emotion I wanted to experiment with.
I do agree with the inconsistent meter and your suggestions are very much helpful and any more suggestions are always welcome.
Thanks again for critiquing.

Justforkix,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. They are appreciated.

Luce,
Thank you so much for your suggestions! They are much appreciated.