Poetry Forum

Enjoyed, Paul. Awoken by glass clatter, I hear Milk Float electric whirr, his - do you need capitals? bottles rattle in their baskets, as milkman delivers the clink. - clink just means the sound? Not local dialect? "Fetch milk in", mam sharts. Open our snowed door to find - I like snowed ...

Enjoyed, Paul. Awoken by glass clatter, I hear Milk Float electric whirr, his - do you need capitals? bottles rattle in their baskets, as milkman delivers the clink. - clink just means the sound? Not local dialect? "Fetch milk in", mam sharts. Open our snowed door to find - I like snowed ...

Awoken by glass clatter, I hear milk float electric whirr, his bottles rattle in their baskets, as milkman delivers the clink. "Fetch milk in", mam sharts. Open our snowed door to find Blue Tom Tit has been at it again, claws stood on the lip, beak strips the silver foil top for a sup and ...

Antcliff wrote:Couldn't make much of this one, Paul. Sorry.

It feels slightly under-organised.

Seth

Thankyou for commenting, Seth. It needs work.

It was our secret. Myrtle and wine were banned, so we put it in the honey pot and called it milk for our lass, the earth, an offering, I think if I understood what it was then I'd get the rest of the poem, but I don't and I can't. Thankyou for commenting Ray. The first liquid mentioned is alcohol w...

True literary criticism.

Prefer v.1. Others too specific.

Collapsed, it resembles one of those harps familiar from bardic tales and Guinness bottles, but with its back removed - spineless, voiceless, all vital tension gone - or a huge butterfly, wings closed, waiting to take flight on a summer's afternoon, its bright colours drying in the wind. Resurrects...

Before porn on screens held in your hands postered our flesh into a cliché, a see, hear, no inhale, touch, taste. It was our secret. Myrtle and wine were banned, so we put it in the honey pot and called it milk for our lass, the earth, an offering, and between our thighs was a little myrtle perfume ...

David wrote:I like the changes in mood / viewpoint, Paul, but I can't judge what you've changed in response to Ian's first comments. That would be interesting to know (although not absolutely essential).

This sounds like a bit of a Robbie Burns moment. I like it.

Cheers

David

Thankyou, David.

ray miller wrote:2nd stanza I like a lot. 3rd one, well, it didn't engage me. Wavegust is nice.

Thankyou, Ray. Edited.

I like this quite a lot, though I tend to agree with Rich's* comment on repetition. Does 'deliberate' work? I realise you mean it in the sense of lending intention to an act, and it's technically ok, but it sounds a bit odd to my ear. On the other hand, I can't think of an alternative - 'intentiona...

Boat wrote:Hello, PSL.

Kestrel? Nature at its rawest?

Pat.

Any bird of prey, Pat. Thankyou for reading and commenting.

Hi Paul, I'm enjoying the overall effect of this e.g. particularly where you are ending up. However I'm not sure all the steps along the way are contributing so strongly. In particular, the "mowering" (which is clever word play) feels like an accident (that happens to the bee) but the nex...

Hi Paul, I'm enjoying the overall effect of this e.g. particularly where you are ending up. However I'm not sure all the steps along the way are contributing so strongly. In particular, the "mowering" (which is clever word play) feels like an accident (that happens to the bee) but the nex...

Antcliff wrote:Bilberries
good,
but not as good as
beerberries

Beerberries
good,
but not as good as
ice cream berries

Ice cream berries
good,
but not as good as
kiss-me berries

Print version is more witty.

An evening light lullabies, although it’s only 2pm. There’s a talk show on the TV, just the care staff tuning in. This time would be opportune for grandmother to disappear, but she won’t line the dado walls, sunk within a high back chair, framed by brown and cream. She lurks beyond that labyrinth o...

Greetings, Paul I think you must be the Paul who was a regular at the late PoetryCircle? Hello Paul. If you wanted something rather less immediate, you've come to the right place. With Ray Heart batters bonegate door - good, that. sternum door, bone door - not so good, think you need doorless alter...

ray miller wrote:Hello Paul. If you wanted something rather less immediate, you've come to the right place.
Heart batters bonegate door - good, that.
sternum door, bone door - not so good, think you need doorless alternatives
I liked the whole thing, though.

Thankyou, Ray. Another place to dig my grave. Edited.

don't deliberate any stroke
beaks don't question their stab
claws don't ask before they kill

no overseeing clock
no targets set by others
only crying mouths

keyed to earthcloud
wavegust
eyes see you as food

Love this. Conversion of sacred into domestic.

Some kind of distancing. Removing closeness. More could be made of it. Interesting idea. Putting responsibility in arms of others. Dog as substitute for mother?

awake at 2am.

Heart batters

bonegate door.

Hammers to be out.


Rapid breath bulwark

bolsters sternum hinge,

heaves and heaves

until heart calms.


Breath sighs slows,

head on pillow.

Bone adit bruised,

sleep uneven.

Pleasantly humorous throwaway ditty, using the familiar conceits of cards in shops. Drops to a very funny finish.

Hi, I liked it too but agree that the final two stanzas are the strongest. Is 'elaborate' used as a verb or an adjective by the way? Again, I think the last line is ott but I like the summer fruit line, fits with the other imagery and is more subtle. Do you need a comma after toe in final stanza, a...