Poetry Forum

Thanks Tony.

Regards, Not.

Hi Tristan,
calling it a poem may be overstating things somewhat but glad you enjoyed it.

Regards, Not

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Hi Kris, enjoyed, but was confused by the break between the verses. S2 seems to start at BUT, not before. I didn't find either the opening two lines of S2, nor 'of the universe' necessary. Small thoughts ... Because talking is exhausting if I met you in a pub or at the summit of Mam Tor, I'd not eng...

Various PATsies, past and present are in this issue.

https://www.snakeskinpoetry.co.uk/index.html

Hi Anna. Maybe I'm missing it because I know what I meant in writing it! If there's any missing to be done don't rule me out. Not, what makes S1 seem a mockery? Allow me to sidestep that question and suggest cutting S1 entirely. How is the poem changed? How proud and straight the stalks of guardian ...

Hi Anna. It's got a very odd tone (S1 seems almost mockery) and some strange language ('kin bones' sounds like an abbreviation - f**kin' bones.) There's a couple of 'feet', 'wind' and 'guardians' - and none of the repetitions seems to add anything. That said, I do like the 'gravel grinding it teeth'...

Hi Anna, I like it, but (given your introductory note) don't find it quite melodramatic enough! For me he needs to wallow far deeper in self-pity. Dear Friend, I hardly know what now to write, ................ Not keen on the opening, 'Dear Friend' is too anonymous. I think you might need a (first) ...

Hi Tony, this is great (and frankly, I'd have liked a little more of it) - The opening line just grabs (in a very nice, consensual way.) I'm not entirely sold on 'fell head first' - it seems to undercut the excellent 'slumped like a drunk' and doesn't really add much. I'd like to know where this wro...

Congratulations (to both)

That's a familiar red spade

Hi Anna. I enjoyed the read, but felt it lacked a bit of bite. Wasn't keen on the repeat of 'state' either (and 'soulmate' with it's emphasis on the wrong syllable wrong foots. He slipped into my mind and stole my words ............. Nice line, though perhaps a period here, and start the next line w...

Hi ABC. I think they'll appeal to a common idealized image of childhood, albeit less specific. I'm not too sure. Often the specific becomes the general, the universal. The list of 'generic' images is quite a long one here and doesn't really excite. It feels a bit 'academic' rather than 'lived' (if t...

Hi Kris, enjoyed (especially S4) The odd niggle ... 'take stock' / 'take quite seriously' (do you need to take both?) 'yellow' felt just a tad predictable, might it not be 'sunflower' or something? 'daylight arriving' (it's the fourth -ing in a row, and felt overdone.) sensing the daylight's arrival...

Hi Tony. Not where did you read that each couplet had to be independent? Reading critiques on Eratosphere (I think), but see here: (4) https://www.wikihow.com/Write-a-Ghazal or here: https://writers.com/how-to-write-a-ghazal-poem "Each couplet typically ends in a period. Each couplet should be ...

Hi Tony,
really like the end, water became rind, what happens if you start there?
(Bit baffled trying to follow line one into line two.)

Regards, Not

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Hi Tony,
don't know much about the form, but aren't the couplets meant to be independent? If so then the third one isn't working. Also the second could do with polishing, 'seems to be' is on the weak side, for me.

Regards, Not

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Hi Ray, it felt a little flat to me. I think the mention of Masefield (along with metre and verse) that led me to expect something that was, perhaps, never your intention to deliver. One niggle, you explain the benefit of the medications, but not of 30 minutes of keepy-uppy (do you actually need it,...

Hi Tony,
I'm pretty sure I'd have been wtf-ing back then (if only I'd known what it meant.) My grandmother was the same, always reaching up her sleeve for a handkerchief.

Regards, Not

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Macavity wrote: ↑

Tue Jul 09, 2024 12:56 am

after the end of A Streetcar Named Desire, hence

But doesn't the title already set the scene?

Regards, Not

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Hi Tony, enjoyed the read, but it feels a bit like a sketch, wouldn't mind reading it fleshed out. S1 Is there anything better than 'acrid' - it's a bit abstract. Could you be more specific? S2. I think you might cut 'wipe by wipe' (not least because you quote her later using 'wiping'.) S3. Like 'li...

Hi LBS,
agree with Ray about the sunburn (perhaps as a replacement for the 'muddy stains' line?)
My niggle is with 'like' (S3, L2) - that 'watched' (plus the title and 'hiding') suggests the sky might be a source of danger, so perhaps 'the same colour as the summer ...'?

Regards, Not

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. Hi Ray, I think this one falls at the last, 'kindness ...' is just too predictable. I'm not entirely sold on 'moth-rattle' (it's the rattle part) but those first six lines are really strong. Struggle with how 'thunder' 'dampens'. Just a thought. No coloured lights for you, sister, just the locomot...

Hi Anna, not feeling the natural rhythm on this one (verse 2 especially.) I thought I could dance and I thought I’d be free to dance whenever the mood took me. That said, I quite like the ending, but don't you really need to set up that joke earlier in the piece? There's a lactose intolerance play i...

Hi Anna, enjoyed the sum, but not all the parts. One thought: There’s a thing that dies when a child wakes and puts away her wooden blocks, the baby dolls and tree-branch swords, the fairy wings, the dress-up box. When make-believe is set aside for good. There’s a thing that dies when a child leaves...

. Hi Anna. I'm trying to get at the idea that her life looks really good and hopeful from the outside, so she feels like she shouldn't struggle. Maybe "flying" isn't the most clear analogy there. So, a gilded cage? Maybe really dig into that metaphor, describe the bars and locks etc,. with...

Hi ray. It's nothing to do with what David believes, I know, but that's where the repetition of 'gerrup' takes me (and it may just be me but I read the word as a contraction/representation of the whole phrase "gerrup ‘n tek owern Lord Jesus in t’ yorn proud ’n stubborn ‘earts.") I guess th...