Poetry Forum

I wrote 'with being sentimental, it should have been 'without being...' I have corrected it.

Hi Lotus

My only crit is 'Silk Route' is a crude sexual pun which i assume is not intended.

cheers

Ross

Hi Jules

This reads very well, with beautifully composed sentences.
I thought the bracketed asides distracting, perhaps confusing to some.
It's an interesting theme and the image of the drawing board as a bed is aptly symbolic.
It deserves a better title.

all the best

Ross

Hi Perry But she wouldn’t keep to her room. This seems a bit odd, surely the tenancy included use of the kitchen etc. She was always under foot in the kitchen. This is also odd, underfoot suggests either a pet or a toddler, it seems completely wrong when describing an old woman. She had outlived her...

Hi JJ spine and pelvis had fused into one arthritic bone, I wonder if 'hips' would work better than pelvis, pelvis sounds too medical, or you could have spine and pelvis fused into .... I hear his familiar voice, coarse with coal dust, I would say 'coarse from' it's nitpicking but for me from sugges...

Hi Luke It is not about the GBR. That idea was a misinterpretation of a comment I made to Perry which I explained in a reply. Looking at the poem now I realise it asks too much of the reader in terms of logical leaps but i did like the language so that's what prompted me to post it, I probably shoul...

Hi Eira

I agree 'the mind spins' is too trite. It is depressing but I am not without hope.
Sorry for not answering sooner. I can't read for long these days so have had give up this and other sites.

cheers

Ross

Hi Not
You seem to have thought a lot more about this piece than I have. The suicide angle is a bit heavy, but it could happen, people have committed suicide over fb bullying.
Thanks for your interest.

cheers

Ross

Hi Not, thanks for commenting. I realize now the piece is not clear enough, the 'breaking news' was meant to be the first line as a headline, the rest is my commentary, not specifically written as a newspaper story, I suppose if anything it could be a background piece. But I didn't think that far wi...

The foreground looks slightly impressionistic. A close up would give us a better idea of the texture. I appreciate the technical skill involved.

I'm also rather glad to see free for all is grinding to a halt. I was with it years ago and it had an agenda, namely to school poets in their own idea of what poetry should be, if you were outside of their agenda they attacked you. I think Poet's Graves in a good forum.

Hi JJ
I hope my reply to Perry answers your misgivings about the poem. I would say catastrophe is about 5 years away for my country. But other nations will be a lot less impacted. We are so vulnerable being already the 'driest continent'.

cheers

Ross

Hi Perry The poem is not about the Great Barrier Reef, the corals have already gone, 75% gone according to the latest science. I snorkelled off Cairns 2 years ago and it was so sad to see it so destroyed, like a city hit by an atomic bomb. But the loss of the corals (which are only 5% of the G.B. Re...

Hi Jules Apologies to all as i have been without the internet for several weeks. I stumble a bit on the combo of window and skirts - both original and effective in their own right. I was thinking of the skirts in a can can, as the scene this was based on ( seen on TV) had that look. It occasions a p...

Hi Perry The poem is about the effects of climate change in Australia. The Great Barrier Reef corals haves already gone, now large areas of agricultural land are permanent desert, The statistics are frightening. We are a small nation in population and influence, there is nothing we can do about it. ...

Hi Eira I can't find anything to crit here, it is detailed but so are kitchens!! Perhaps 'Eternal' and also 'slumped' are exaggerations but they fit with a conversational style where we understand that exaggerations are not meant to be taken literally. i liked it, from peacock to pig, is there somet...

Hi again to the void, and he balked, “Will that hold?” to show him it was strong, and it broke, These two lines are for me jerky, created by a combination of word choice and the breaking of the line's rhythm by the use of short phrases. Plus in the first example a line that is too long. The cinquain...

This perishable spring, this gifted flow; slow at the mouth and emerging into the sea's solid window and the shaken skirts of cloud. In the raven's eye expect no sympathy. Hunger rules, the heart spectates. The mind spins; wakes useless before the venom of the sun. Caught in cross-haired scopes and ...

Hi Richard English, in the half words, that you um um um, an upturned song, a broken one. I think one 'um' would do both for meaning and meter or put um-um-um,to get the sound closer to a baby's vocalising. You are your own, an empty sense 'empty sense' sounds original but I am unclear as to what it...

Hi Perry

Using hold and ago as rhyming words is a stretch but I think it's OK, purists would disagree.

'balustrade' is exactly the right word.

The last 'verse' is a cinquain, this would also worry the purists.

I still think it is a little jerky.

cheers

Ross

Hi Perry You do need to find a rhyme for the second verse. 'safe' is not the easiest word to rhyme so it may require rearranging the whole of the second quatrain. The meter is a bit out in places too. I liked the subject matter and the photos are very interesting. The black humour is fine. cheers Ross

HI David

I don't see the last line as 'editorial comment', it is a continuation of the poets situation, the action he takes to try and control the meltdown.
Without it there would be no concluding rhyme, the last line would stand out as a false note

cheers

Ross

The internal speakers may be broken. I have a Mac and use headphones to improve the quality of the sound. It is excellent, better than my very expensive Sanyo TV. I watch and listen to everything via my Mac now. If you have Windows, you should also look at your Device Manager, it may be that you sti...

Hi Ton That seems to be the general consensus, folks like it but want more. What can I say, there isn't any more, being 'enigmatic and mysterious' wasn't my intention but if that is the effect on you I am pleased. I find life utterly mysterious and enigmatic. Thanks for commenting cheers Ross.

Hi Ton I am not a fan of villanelles, I think the repetition only works if the poem is recited or sung. To me most villanelles are contrived and forced. Such cleverness in creating a villanelle can be admired but the actual emotional impact is less obvious, a case of form over-powering function. I w...