Poetry Forum

I think you made some good observations, Ray. Thank you.

Now that I read it again. I think it should go in the bin.

Things That Won’t Stop Until They Stop My heart won’t stop doing the jitterbug. I’m not sure why it’s so much alive, constantly moving like a hyperactive child. This is my old age, time to relax, so why is part of me always at a dance? It needs to conserve itself for important things, like when tha...

Thank you, Phil. That was lukewarm, but I'll take it.

I'm surprised John isn't saying something. He's the Godman.

Well, you're intelligent enough to be able to evaluate a poem on a subject that doesn't interest you. But you shouldn't say more unless you want to.

Thank you, Phil. Besides that, does the poem work for you?

This is the type of poem that doesn't quite say straight out what it's about, but expects the reader to apply his own interpretation. It took me a few readings, but I finally did that, and now the poem has meaning to me. My suggestion is to eliminate a few extraneous words: Now The tramps are sittin...

Homecoming God is pleased to be mocked, something not well understood, for his greatest joy is in reunions, those homecomings when his rebellious sheep wander back from their reckless ventures, bleating about splendid lands, of better meals to be had, and making audacious demands, but also remember...

So who sang the Hippie song? It doesn't sound like Gabriel. When posting a song, it would be helpful to mention the singer.

Congratulations, John. Interesting poem.

That's Peter Gabriel ??? It sounds nothing like the Peter Gabriel I've been listening to. From what I can see of the picture, it doesn't even look like him. He must have come out with that when he was very young.

Reminder: Other people are free to post their favorite songs here.

Thanks so much for looking in again, Phil, and for taking the time to read the previous version to make a good comparison. Yes, I love the new ending. It's a keeper for me. "but it keeps me lying awake at night" -- I can't let go of that line. But I also miss the bare legs ending. I'll see...

Congratulations! Good poems, Phil.

I have re-imagined this poem with a new ending. I hope you'll take a look.

I just noticed the videos you posted, John, but I'm going to bed, so I'll listen to them later. In the mean time, here is Peter Gabriel's "Your Eyes". He has performed this song multiple times, and it is always a big production when he does. If you haven't heard it, I think you'll love it....

Thanks, Phil.

In my world, more is more. I know you don't see it that way. However, sometimes "more" is "too much". Finding the balance is the problem. Actually, I think I just improved it a bit.

Version 4 posted, not as reduced as you all wanted, but slightly more concise.

Thank you, John!

I like this poem -- I really do. I have sat in so many Indian and Japanese restaurants wonder what it was that I was ordering that this is a moment right out of my own life -- and I think a lot of other readers will feel the same way. Oh, and it's nice to read a poem from you that isn't about God (n...

I like this! I definitely like it! So much subtlety and implied meaning!

Everyone's favorite poem has just been revised!

I must be tired. I don't really understand what you are saying. I'll come back later.

Yes, it's a poem. A poem is whatever an author says it is.

Interesting poem. I like that it is based in the real world in a mundane situation.

But it needs more reading and I'm off to bed. I'll have more to say later.

Saturday Afternoon (version 2) “Is that the Empire State Building you’ve got in your pants?” Well, I thought it was funny, and this was Greenwich Village, so there was at least a fifty percent chance he would laugh and, hopefully, stop to exchange numbers. But no — I wasn’t showing a big enough bui...

I question the logic of those old fables that have nothing to do with reality, but your poem is good, especially the first couple lines.

As the mountaineer reaches the summit,
the mountain disappears from under him.

Very deep!

Thank you for your suggestion, Tony, but I'm not going in that direction. As I said to Phil, I am going to cut some stuff out -- most specifically, the part about the coverlet going off and then coming back on, etc. That can be condensed. But the basic structure of the poem -- the trouble sleeping c...