Poetry Forum

Ray, you're absolutely right, Mrs Mb didn't find the cow romantic in the slightest. She'd rather see red roses and blue violets.

The irony is I'm writing poetry in short gaps between mundane chores and tending to the needs of under 5s. I could call myself a new age romantic daddy. Anyway.... Mac, I'm hoping to humour you now with an ing-jam rather than a with-jam. :) David, I don't like to post too many revisions when I'm tur...

Thanks David, I'm no great beat counter but I do try to iron out awkwardness.

I've tried a variation on the last line. Does it scan better?

Morning Mac, I wanted to pair different images for version 1 in line with other recommendations but, thinking about it, the pots are a better link between the poems than 'just like at home'. Perhaps This would be an improvement for L1? We wash the pots, there's tables to wipe and crumbs on the floor...

Thanks Mac, that's a very helpful crit again. I hope I've addressed your comments with my new revision. In S1 of his poem I'm looking to more subtle internal rhymes and then a crescendo of couplets in S2. I considered doing it the other way round (end rhymes being the routine and predictable) but de...

I agree with the others Perry, this is very accomplished and as good as anything I've read in here. It also strikes me as ironic that you're looking to polish it too :) Here's my suggest for the line you're tinkering with Mac: To sit on the couch and read? Like most of us, she wanted a chance to mak...

Ray, I really like this poem too for all the reasons others have mentioned.

Possible alternative opening line:

His prized possession was seldom mislaid:
a Racehorses annual bought for The Flat.
One day this’ll fetch ten times what I paid!
By then it had cost us much more than that.

Hi Jules, I'm not familiar enough with Cowper to get the link but I like the poem and it stands alone as a good piece, there's beauty in age too (I wonder if Perry is reading this). My nits: in S2 'she seems' implies she might not want to play her part. If that's you intent I wonder if there a bette...

Thanks Not, I like the idea of a pair of poems too. Shame it wasn't mine. I think you're right, I need to mix up the first one a bit. I wonder how I can do that on here without making the opening post messy. I agree with you and Ray that pots needs to go. Jules, 'starting the come alive' is a big ac...

Trust Not to know what Not quite is for when the rest of us aren't sure. Perhaps you could put the opening line in italics too? Another great poem Luke, I can picture the exhibit very well, your sophisticated backdrop and vocabulary shines through as always. The students reminded me of vultures too ...

I enjoyed this too Moth, He calls himself a full-time poet; have you ever?....... (has he ever worked I wonder?) Published? Yes. Acclaimed? It has been said....(did you consider a line break after Yes?) when on the money, washer-dryer clunking out (not sure I get 'when on the money') his child's ass...

Moth, thanks for coming back and I really like your suggestion

Question is: did I get him and her the right way round? I think I did.

And can I get away with dropping romance/romantic?

Thanks very much JJ and Moth, Hmmm, I think I prefer the original title too because the ambiguity could imply there's something else going on. The relationship could go one of two ways after L5 and bestiality would be so far fetched that I don't need to rule it out with a new title. I shall ponder w...

Mac, I could take it in this direction but it would be cheating (I'd need my own words largely): When all at once I saw a crowd A host blue bottles... I gazed—like cow—with little thought, What wealth the show to me had brought: For oft, when on our bed we lie In vacant or in pensive mood, They flas...

Thanks Mac, that could be the way to go. The real cow did stare with interest then turned around. A number of flies from its backside entered the cottage and we spent the next couple of days trying to get rid of them. It made a good photo though and raised a smile after my wife had complained earlie...

Thanks for taking a look Ross. yes, I used it as an avatar but the detail was lost. In fact there's a fair bit of detail lost on this version compared to the original at 10MB. It was taken by a wedding photographer, I do like my photography but I don't have the equipment for taking these kind of pic...

Thanks JJ. It's a zoomed in photo of a bubble from my actual wedding so I'm not trying to give it a clever title or anything like that.

Jules, I've been too busy trying to learn some tricky words to put in my poems with the help of little Mb-etta.

https://youtu.be/TvMyssfAUx0

She laughs hysterically at:

say hello to we.
"Hello we!"
we we we we we...
w and e spells we
don't let it trick you.

I think this is a marvellous villanelle JJ. You've metered it beautifully and the rhymes come naturally given the restrictions. You've pulled it together nicely in the final stanza which is always a big challenge with this form. I agree with Ross' suggestion on 'rave'. I think S3 is your weakest and...

I prefer 'dash out' to 'run right round'. The alliteration is a bit of a tongue twister on the latter. . Do you know any good illustrators? . No, I don't personally but there are a number of artists on this forum you could always engage in a collaborative art/poetry project. I suspect illustrating c...

Ross, What I was getting at is the Earth revolves round the sun, the moon revolves around the Earth. The Earth turns on its axis but the moon doesn't, we always see the same side of the moon. You could argue that the Earth rotates on its axis and turns means revolves. I don't think that's what you m...

Hi Ross, I'm not a great believer that cleanliness is Godliness so this struck a chord if I'm interpreting it correctly. The rhyming and varying line length work well for me in an unclean sort of way. In S3, I don't think the moon turns on an axis but it does revolve. You've also used turns already ...

Hi Tony, If you're finding three rhymes too restrictive then I've had a look through a number of famous villanelles and not all of them stick to the three rhyme rule. I posted one on here not so long ago and it had four rhymes but no one really noticed. That's modern villanelle for you. I do like th...

Hi Tony, I thought I'd commented on this poem because I did read it many times. I found the sentiment of the poem quite compelling without getting too fixated on the meter or ED. It works very well without reference to her at all. Aren't we all influenced by someone in our writing? You could make it...

Yes, it could be mindfulness or the Jules Kama Sutra. Take your pick.

Ps I had a go at one of these word shuffle poems not so long ago. I thought five words was impressive but you've managed three.

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