Poetry Forum

Hi Not,

Really liked this one - short punchy and funny.

I think you can do better with the title is my only thought.

It is difficult to remember.

I think I remember:

Getting my lines wrong in the infant nativity
My first little death in a Spanish hotel
When I last saw her face

Hi, This has a real resonance to it with some interesting turns of phrase and I like the circularity. Sense of poignancy as if N. is going to be waiting in vain. If I had to criticise "I wait for you by the window where I feel like seeing the sky and the birds flock to the streets." doesn'...

Thanks very much for the comments Mac. Yes a working title was "The lie", but felt that was ruining the nuance of line you picked out. Another one was "forgotten conversation", thought it would be interesting to describe a conversation without reference to the actual speech and t...

The accusation laid out -
her eyes, sterilised needles,
glisten with clinical fury.

I reply without pause
impassive, ascetic, legal.
I recite facts as truth.

She breaks off her assault
and empties the syringes
on the ground before me.

Really enjoyed, punchy clever and topical. The ending hits home.

Hi Ton, Really liked this piece, loved the riff on Keats and it actually kinda spoke to me being a singleton who tries to find love through dating app. :lol: I dunno about the cliches, forgive me if it's not best practise to critique the critiquer, but it seems to be a dogma among some that cliches ...

Really enjoyed this one leaf. Gentle and musical and clearly exceptionally well crafted. It really does give a haunting feel.

Revision up.

Hi All, Sorry I'm so tardy on the responses. Peter thank you for your response, I'm really glad you appreciated it (and the allusions). Very sorry to hear of your brother. Yes you're not the only one who isn't familiar with the term "depot injection" so I think it worth looking at the titl...

Haha, Just to say I've been seeing adverts for Alabaster all over my facebook and instagram since I came across this thread. They run an engaging advertising campaigns too! And to be honest with you, I'm even tempted to completely prove your point lotus - by actually buying the gospels in this forma...

Hi All, A belated thanks for the responses Jules, Tony and Stedman. I'm really glad you appreciated it. Yes hear the message about the first paragraph, perhaps it would fit further down the poem? I wonder how many got the allusions? The italicised verses are alluding to various poem about madness. &...

I liked this a lot ton,

Great use of sonics and meter - I can really imagine the scene of the over-excited animal.

closing/showing is perfect in the context of "moving his head from side to side".

Nice work.

The Anti-Psychotic v3 (Formally Depot) Starving hysterical naked, dragging… Not the best mind of my generation… I bared my brains to Dog-shit... “Mr Gareth, Please report to treatment room” Says the familiar tone. A monthly check-in; “Are you well? Which side is it today?” The intramuscular injectio...

Well Perry, ordinarily I would leave such a comment be but as you said you wanted to discuss religion... *cracks knuckles* Nah, Honestly I don't know enough about buddhism to discuss really. :lol: Interesting article, and although tangendental to the argument about form and design - made me look up ...

Hi Namya, I enjoyed this - a simple piece dealing with grand concepts but it works well. I can tell you're focusing hard on rhyming and meter, which are both crafts I sometimes struggle with so you have my admiration. I feel this would work well as a spoken piece for the above reasons, when I read i...

Hi All, Sorry I'm a bit late on the responses. Perry, yes I think that would make the piece much better - I'll see if I can find time to write in meter. I have written metered verse in the past but it doesn't always come naturally to me and requires quite a bit more effort. And yes talking about Rel...

A Lapsed Catholic at Prayer Our Father who art in heaven What’s with the “our”? There is no-one beside me who I know is praying. Hallowed be thy Name Why this name, exactly? Isn’t it the most blasphemed? Christ! I did it again… Thy Kingdom Come A bit old hat, that. Isn’t a republic better? Or a parl...

Hi JJ. Just to say I enjoyed this. Got me pondering on the meaning too. My first thought was that it was a reflection on an ethnic mix staring back at one in a mirror perhaps? Only that can't be right because aren't Galicians Celts? I know how many people (myself excluded of course :lol: ) don't lik...

Hi Jules

I think the revisions are improvements. It's still a bit like a jigsaw puzzle though, in that I don't quite grasp the meaning of the last stanza. Maybe I'm thinking too hard...

Thanks for taking the time JJ and I'm really glad you asked that question, because (like a few of my poems actually) I feel I'm throwing a few of our older members off by bringing in social media. I'm okay with Facebook, Charles. Carry on. I draw the line at Twitter, though. Cheers David Haha, than...

Hi churinga,

Really liked this one. Simple, well crafted and effective. Don't have any crit really, but I thought I'd let you know I enjoyed this one.

Hi Jules, I really liked the first two stanzas, really sets a good tone and carries you along, "all transcendence is sex" is a very well delivered cynical line. "Heidegger's hacked the skies. Look into my eyes." is a great line and a neat internal rhyme as well. Although I don't ...

Thanks for taking the time JJ and I'm really glad you asked that question, because (like a few of my poems actually) I feel I'm throwing a few of our older members off by bringing in social media. It's an interesting one because the whole social media thing was just kicking off when I was in my teen...

Thanks all. Agree this isn't my best effort, but thank you for the comments. Thanks, Binz, for saying it has potential. Give me enough hope to set to work on a revision. I think S4 is particularly weak - thank you for picking out the lines you liked. Perry, I did look at that poem you posted - thank...