Poetry Forum

not that kind of wind,the kind that blows,you know when you go outdoors. - I know exactly what you meant - read what I said seer wrote: the wind helps me give birth This conjures up an unfortunate image which I'm sure you didn't mean. I said it needed rephrasing: 'the wind' sounds like flatulance, ...

seer wrote:its a fucking metaphor my goodness

It's a fucking flatulant metaphor my goodness.

I was just letting you know what it said to me - If you don't like hearing what people think then it's tough. What are you here for - praise and adulation?

the wind helps me give birth This conjures up an unfortunate image which I'm sure you didn't mean. Think about rephrasing the line or you'll be getting comments like "Leave off the peas", etc. 'diffrent' ? Strange poem, not sure of its intended meaning. It would sound much better with a '...

Sorry Py, but it just sounds like a collection of everyday phrases that you've rearranged. I can't find anything that's original.

Madawc

I think this is a very good poem: it opens very strongly He saw the billboards and her allure pressed on the music hall. There's something almost tangible about 'pressed on the music hall'. You use 'presses' in the penultimate verse, it might be better to use something different here. I think 'freed...

Lake wrote:the moonless lake (that's me. )

I'm sure it's just a phase that the moon's going through, you'll get your silver soon.

Thank you Lake and Dedalus.

Simple, sincere and effective. I'm not sure about pluralizing 'attire'.

'resolute minds weaved
the attire of courage.'

This sounds better to me.

I've been back to read a few of your poems, i think this is one of the best.

Madawc.

Thanks again David.

arunansu wrote: I feel "thousand sorrows" a bit cliched.

I've probably read too much Chinese poetry. One thousand is a nice round number though: eleven hundred and eighty seven sorrows is quite a mouthful

Thank you both.

madawc.

Thank you all for spending time on this. David, after looking at it a few more times, I think you have a point. Lines 4 & 5 will have to go.

Madawc

Thanks for the info Dave. I'm sure there must be other references to this hidden among all the Jewish tales that came out of Europe through the centuries.

madawc

I thought that 'But my mouth would not stutter a word' was fine, it didn't imply perfect speech to me, just that there was no speech at all - not even a stutter. Maybe you could contract 'would not', 'wouldn't stutter' has a better sound to it. 'Should I have stopped you I had nothing to say,' This ...

Dave - The name azazel comes from the Hebrew, ez , meaning goat , and azel , which means to go away, or escape . The name itself translates as escape goat - Early biblical translations used this but the word scapegoat took its place. Some say that Azazel was a demon and that the goat was a sacrifice...

Taking an old sack,
I filled it with a
thousand sorrows,
rowed to the middle
of the moonless lake
and let it sink.

I wonder if there's
a fish
called Azazel.


original lines 4 & 5 edited out.

My heart exanded with the sky - What's exanded? Do you mean extended?

I think you would benefit from reading some Chinese and Japananese zen verse. The last verse reminded me of a Japanese poem I read a couple of months ago - I'll try to find it again and let you read it.

Madawc

Thank you for your replies everyone, I wasn't sure how this would be received. I did have a problem with 'wings' and 'glowings', I tried to think of two fresh lines to get around it, but without success. Something will turn up as a solution. There was no pattern David, I was just experimenting with ...

The wind ushers in another cold night,
Aeolus, in flight, plays harp with the trees,
frosty notes drift through a grey woodland frieze.
Owls shift dead leaves with the breeze of their wings,
silent rooks wait for dawn’s early glowings,
those stretched yawns of pink that lead in the light.

Thanks Killer; never thought of a pronunciation guide. dd = th.

Thanks Ryder, I wish I knew what that something was. It's probably run away now.

madawc

I wasn't saying that most poetry was cliche, there was a conditional 'if' in there. I was trying to say that most, if not all, poetic themes have been covered time and again, but I don't think that there's such a thing as a cliched theme. If there was such a thing, then it follows that life is also ...

Can you really have a cliched topic? I think that if this is the case then almost all poetry is cliche. No, all we have is life and death, it's how its written about that matters, and I think this poem says its piece without being classed as cliche. against the odds lets it down though. Could you no...

Weave sounds good, I'll work that in.

Thank you

madawc

I really need another word beginning with 'w' to go with waves and the other w's, m's and n's scattered about - and I'm stuck.

Wetfeet, Blackfeet - Which nation is Two Left Feet affiliated to, kimosabe? (I read your poem Wounded Knees)

madawc

Thank you tlf - I suppose it does sound a bit NT. It's just as well I changed it from walk with waves , that would have been too Lakota, Costner-by-the-sea. I don't care who's son you are, get off my bloody lake! og: awdls are a little more complicated with strict syllable counts and internal rhymes...

I was going off this - http://www.kilravockcastle.com/trust.html

madawc

BTW - I ain't no lady.

The sixth syllable will probably be in quiet - in most English accents it has two syllables - kwayet - I presume in your accent it has one.

'Elegant blast, quiet.' - 3 - 1 - 2.

That's the problem with counting syllables - So many dialects.

madawc

Thanks Dave, I was just having a bit of a mess about really, and this just came out. I don't suppose it complies with any known verse form, if it does then it's more good luck than judgement. An awdl is a Welsh verse form, so I apologize to any serious students of Welsh poetry for my doodling. I tak...