Poetry Forum

Not really happy with the 2nd verse? Help?


Stillness without serenity,

Movement beyond vision,

The time with no second,

hand that is hidden.



Quietening with chatter,

More rest through exertion,

Till death do us contemplate,

human condition.

Beautiful first verse..

But to me the 2nd didnt do it justice....

Just my opinion

Being a fan of short poetry i quite like this.

The short shapness of the lines i think suit the content...

Really liked this poem Amadeus.
Great personification of autumn and as above good imagery..

Nice to see another person from gods country on the forum too...

Hwyl

Really liked it too thoke, not gonna try and analise it too deeply, tho my interpretation was that the first person was the submsissive of the two looking for guidance....

"a scheme" to wake up to reality....

makes me think of my relationship with my partner...

liked it

sorry moderator am just a bit uncertain about my comments on others poetry as most of the members seem to have a good knowledge of the mechanics and workings of poetry which i do not....

however i will do as requested

thanks for the reply. My english isnt too good gramatically, i just enjoy writing verse... But live and learn as they say.. will take your advice on board...

cheers m'dears

All is calm and peaceful, I wait, he lingers, I walk from room to room, Unsettled i get out the duster, I begin to clean with speed, Aware he waits to come, Ever reaching grasp of unseen powerful fingers, My mind begins to race, Nervous apprehension, I stomp with speed and dust my way, Slam without ...

Liked it..... short with good flow and a good sharp ending.... How i like a poem to be

Thank you for the feedback. As you can pobarbly guess am new to the site but looking forward to learning...

Many thanks for the feedback...

Only ever wrote for my little book, will be nice to try and improve with feedback from people who actually have some knowledge of poetry...

no probs

Such things of great potential
Beauty love innate so true
To look within thyself
To realise I am, as you..

waiting watching
hoping hurting
tensions building
close to bursting
pain is deep
my eyes are full
feel so weak just want to kill
kill the pain and kill the hurt
think my dreams about to burst