Poetry Forum

This threat was dead long ago. *sigh* Brain Edwards *sigh* Dayanddeadwords = Brian Edwards *sigh* ————————————————————— Brian Edwards died of bladder cancer in 2016. The truth of Dylan Edwards (coincidence, by the way, though I’m sure my mum would have) is a lot more interesting I think, but I’ve m...

It’s a place to revisit, with a sturdier spade. Yes it is. Very little activity on the site, so I've been entertaining myself by reading the archive. In doing so I've found this real gem. Lovely poem. But (there's always a but..) can someone please explain to me the punctuation/reading of these lin...

Hi Jackie, I like your poem, been visiting and revisiting for several days now. I originally took it at face value, but then other comments took me down the metaphorical track and I lost my way. If it’s there then I think it’s slightly lost in the language..? I find it all a little noisy, all those ...

Made some minor changes.
Sorry, didn’t post the edit record. My bad.

Dylan

Thank you Nit. I don’t hear the tense muddle you suggest, but your comments did prompt me to listen again. I appreciate your kind words, but your (many!) suggested edits seem to be writing a different poem. That’s cool. I’m glad my poem is encouraging you to play. I hope this play helps you hone you...

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Return of the Mac! Thank you. And thank you for clarifying your thought. I'm considering revising towards more garrulousness in that section, as follows: Listen. You may find it helps to close your eyes, but you won't need to cup a hand or strain. It is not the kind that dare not speak its name: It ...

Many thanks Sid. Apologies, but here: If there is no specific reason for “here and now” I recommend replacing with present. Are you suggesting ending with: the white noise of your present. If so, I think it needs that extra beat. Or maybe I've misunderstood your comment. Again, thanks. Dylan

Hi Ton (Tony?) Thank you, I really loved this. Nice mood, music, images - a treat. If I had any complaint, I enjoyed the inventive half-rhyme of launderette/windowless so much I hoped there'd be a little more of that. The poem puts me in mind of Billy Collins, in its movement from the quotidian to t...

Thank you Mac. Very refreshing to receive a critique focused on reading rather than editing. I very much enjoyed hearing/seeing how you worked through the poem. Very helpful. Some of your takes are slightly different from intent, but I have no problems with a plurality of interpretation, providing t...

You were right about the tv and the spear. Have addressed.

Thanks again "Not".

Dylan

Thanks

Dylan

Perry wrote: ↑

Tue Nov 19, 2019 12:07 pm

I need to think

Never a bad thing Perry.

Perry wrote: I feel that there is a good poem in here

There may not be. But there is a good poet.

Dylan

Hi Luke,

This is appropriately bouncy and jolly. Consider losing "as if" from penultimate line?

Made me smile.
Dylan

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Hi Not (is that the name you're going with?)

Still enjoying this. Not sure what the stanza breaks add. I think I preferred the flow of the earlier versions.

Dylan

Thank you Jules. As mentioned above, just a bit of frivolity really. I’ll keep your notes in mind if I choose to revise.

Best,
Dylan

Splendid! Perfect!

Dylan

Some very good suggestions there from lotus Perry. They could be the beginnings of a revision.

Dylan

Hi Perry, I'm struggling to find the poetry in this one to be honest. Reads more like reportage, notes to a poem; an interesting poem for sure, and one I'd like to see you write. I know you're capable of it. Sorry to be negative on this one. There's definitely good content here. I suggest you sit wi...

Extraordinary. The tides as ephemeral as marshmallows over wastebin fires! Not an image/idea one expects to come up against every day, but dammit you've nailed it!

Not keen on this kind of presentation usually, but your voice sings loud and clear.

Regards,
Dylan

Thank you Macavity! Fixed!

And thanks again lotus. It seems our posts keep crossing. I'll check that link.

Thank you lotus,

I actually replaced the "draped" line, but glad you took something from it.

A warm smile back,
Dylan

Hmm, can't get my link to work. that's frustrating.
Anyone know why? Is it a Mac problem maybe?