Poetry Forum

hey, kd and bl i posted the original version i had on myspace if you'd like to listen to it. i don't know why it isn't working, but regardless . . . it's very low bitrate, 32 i think, so if you'd like to hear less static and humming i can send you the better copy. I also posted a second version, sli...

Baby sister I could never be the one to give you all those affirmations to replace lost stars and Saturday morning cartoons Baby sister I'm writing you now just to tell you I'm better than I've ever felt before, and someday you'll find a way to tell me all the words inside your heart that you shoute...

i have to agree with barrie and say that it needs a better ending. the last two lines sound very awkward . . . perhaps you intended that, but it seems as though you had a rhyme that got changed to something else, and so the "yet again" seems to hang onto the rest of the poem like a mole. i...

thank you so much for your thoughts, i'll try to respond to some of the main points. as for the title, the absolute simplicity and uninterestingness of it is everything, because it seems to say that something's name is also unimportant, just as none of the people in the poem have a name: they are co...

all fixed. the code for indenting changed from two indents, 5 and 10, to just "tab." so all better.

i like the chords for the verses, but something about the second chord in the chorus just doesn't work for me . . . maybe something like a 7b9 chord, or a lydian/b5, diminished chord even. i don't know about the major, but it might be good to try a couple other majors in there. i'm also trying to fi...

i think if you put a space after the </indent> it doesn't make the &nbs, or maybe it only does that on my browser, i don't know. will read it and respond more intelligently about your song in a second.

i also had trouble with the shroedinger rocks line. wondering if maybe shroedinger balks would fit? or no? i guess it's not necessarily about S. disagreeing with philosophers, but maybe it is. though the philosophers mock, so why not? anyway, light, and i like the repetition of the first two lines, ...

feer so ronery . . . oh so ronery.

is the title just this uncompelling? the writing? have i fallen off the great tree of poetic enlightenment and decayed into watery garbage?

stupefying butterscotch?

take out the last four lines and the perhaps in the poem and it's brilliant. it leaves more up to the reader, and besides it seems to me to shatter the passion the persona feels and trivializes it all. but maybe that's what you're going for. either way, the point is that the last four lines don't se...

nature is a fine thing-- [tab][/tab]let me recreate it for you: 7000 light years from nowhere breathes [tab][/tab]a single nightshade flower [tab][/tab][tab][/tab] blushing in the dark and everywhere you are without everywhere absent from me. i like to think you remember me fondly 6 feet the dirt co...

thanks beauloser and camus for the praise, and i've posted the better quality version at myspace.com/donjuaninhell. i want to rerecord it though, work out some of the bumps in my singing, rhythm wise and length of notes, etc. so i'll let you know when i do. should be soon though.

thanks to all, especially barrie for not caring too much for this poem. the first three lines are a childhoodish memory of getting peaches off of I-70 on my way back to denver from grand junction, and yes reads a bit like a tourist add. i agree, the second stanza is a bit wordy, but i like the juxta...

thanks for the comment KD, it's supposed to be one day many years ago when they're both kids. anyway, i posted the mp3 file.

toothless serenade that i sing to you today in the presence of so many years away from you i remember that day i brought you a daisy i'd found on the road to your house when i gave it to you you smiled and i blushed like a cherubim and then you ran into the field behind your mother's house i chased ...

you might put it to subterranean home sick blues. it doesn't quite work, but could be pulled off for a little bit of a spoof. the guitar part is pretty similar to begin with, though minor instead of major (i think?). anyway, fun blues about scientists destroying the world.

in Palisade you can buy fresh peaches by the box, and with those fresh peaches you can bake a pie, or cobbler, or use them to make a fine spiced jam to put on your toast. but consider if you will exactly one washed peach, its wet hairs brushing your lips, its soft fragrance, the crisp crunch and sat...

the inverted syntax in the first stanza, though perhaps emphasizing the language barrier, just stops the flow of the thought. at least on the first two lines, i think if you inverted it you'd tell the story better if nothing else: [i}We were stopped by this chap coming out of a restaurant, "I h...

it seems unfinished to me, as though this is an introduction to a much longer work. you might try longer lines, something like Hiding in brainfolds, that small bag of screams groans open in dreams and each still moment. Fingers reach through skullbones, feel for moans, freeing old echoes cocooned in...

the "trilby hat" is too strange and good of a word to just let it sit there on its own. give it a rhyme, or talk about it a little: i don't know what a trilby hat looks like, and i bet not many other people do either: everything else in that first stanza, besides the viking-goth types, is ...

you can['t] listen to the song at http://www.myspace.com/donjuaninhell because i don't know . . . but, as consequence, it is attached at bottom. it could use a re-recording, etc. I lorraine i found you last may with a bullet in your chest and i'd hate to know if they did anything more you were the w...

two things i didn't like were "family strangers" because it felt cliche, or at least not developed enough; it seems thrown out there without showing why he feels his family is a group of strangers: b/c they've changed so much since last seeing them, b/c they don't talk at all, b/c somethin...

a favorite line, for the great consonance of the hard c's which flow into the h's, as though the hoofbeats are sounding in the words of the poem: . . . How you walked with me as I caught cobblestones in my camera, the click of heels like hoofbeats in the silence. something that seems missing is a se...

I operator pushed me up against the wall said, why don't you go on home boy, no use in you hangin around he caught me with that marble smile and ghost voice of his II said to him man got this old beat up chevy truck that doesn't run no more and what's more i've got a dead man in my trunk his name is...

in stanza two you have an off-rhyme with the down and own which, in a song, is less likely to be effective and just confuse than in a straight poem, since in a song we don't have a visual word but a purely auditory one. all of that to say that, generally, orthographic rhymes like that seem not to wo...