Poetry Forum

Gormless Gus
was waiting for the bus
with his head on upside down.
He thought it travelled
up to the hills
but it only went down town.
As he fell upstairs
he was caught underwares
by a giant marauding hen,
so he hailed a taxi floating by,
and sailed back home again.

t's a good job that you withheld your Name and Address, or it would be the Tower for you!! - If you care to look, sir - you'll find my name and address written on the back of the poem. Many of my best friends are made from anti-Monarchy material and only a few are large carnivorous plants. Kilthatw...

Archduke Greek of Edinarse, Prince Phyllis in his glory, illegal immigrationist a Korfu native's story. The kalamari kissed goodbye, his fetta cheese forsaken, he sailed his yacht, the Argosknot , into an English haven. He spied a floosie selling well, all diamonds and tiara he climbed ashore to hav...

This is good, but I think you could make this better by stripping away some of the bulk. (Yes, the snow queen has to go). This is my take on V1.

Pale stare
through curtained eyes,
the perpetual child
still there:
other old wives
dream in fading chairs,
you forget your yesterdays.

Gerontionluis

I believe that the comma before an 'and' at the end of a list is optional, I usually don't bother with it - either way, it's OK.

I kind of like the symmeretrycallacality of it now.

KilravluissiulvarliK

Thanks D - Glad you liked it.

Kiljoyluis

Thanks Travis, I know it needs a comma after free of sin - You think I need a comma after calm too? So righteous, calm, and free of thought, it glides back to the fly it caught. Instinctive, godless, free of sin, I swear it smiled as its fangs sunk in. - I guess that makes it more symmetrical. cheer...

I know mutilating your own poem is not the easiest thing to do, but I would pare this down. I'll give you an example using the first eleven lines - A chrysalis splits, a moth unfurls, discarding the shell: fluttering instinctively, the insect dries its wings. - Obviously, it may not be what you're l...

November Rain - Guns n'axles

The first song always springs to mind when I hear either of the other two. I like your arrangement.

- Kilthatwhitney

Thanks Smiffey - If you imagine them to be wearing boots on each foot they won't seem as frightening.

Kilthatrachnid

You'll never guess what I just seed,
an octopede, I do believe.
With spidrous glue it plants
each shoe upon the wall
right next to you.
So righteous, calm, and free of thought,
it glides back to the fly it caught.
Instinctive, godless, free of sin,
I swear it smiled as its fangs sunk in.

Aru - Your first line has only thirteen syllables, one less than you stated it should have. If you change 'join' to 'rejoin' then that'll do the trick.

Kilravluger

I like the last line - I think the rhythm thing depends on how you read it. The pause after the question mark in the previous line helps the rhythm.
Only a Scot would rhyme 'sock' with 'walk' and 'talk'.

KilMcRavluis

TDF wrote:Kril - I know the quote is from Oates, but he was speaking TO Scott. Hence the coma not the dash (as in v2).

- Yes, I can see that, I just thought that if you were quoting him you should maybe name him (Scott gets enough credit).

What do you mean Kril - What am I, just whalefood?

Viakrillus

Hello Aru - A couple of things I shall keep some biscuits in my pocket for puppy dreams to chew - the puppy dreams cloys a little - it's too twee. Plus if you forgo the umbrella and raincoat, your biscuits woud be all soggy! I like the idea of the paper boat but you need to compare it with something...

Why not post up your edited version above the original as version II, instead of part the thread - I suspect that not everyone reads all the comments, so it could be missed.

That verse makes much more sense now you've turned the opening into an adjective phrase.

nice one

I must say that I'd rather see the italics back - and change Scott to Oates, maybe even Captain Oates.

nice one

Kilthathusky

I like the title - very good. I had to look twice before it clicked. Adorn more scars to mark those times still burning barely bated breaths. - As a verb adorn needs a subject (unless it's imperative and the subject is inferred). The same goes for will in the next couplet - Will hold a moment’s sile...

I wonder if Kilravluis has put anything on POEMHUNTER? - Oh, you do do you? I know when I'm hurt! I've never been on poemhunter because I am no ordinary punter, I write poems in my leisure for each and everyone to treasure my rhyme is sublime and my rhythm could do with a bloody good sorting out. a...

Sounds like you've been up the hill with Jill. Can I suggest vinegar and brown paper. I'm not a physicist, but is that the formula for the frequency of a pendulum? If so, Galileo should have got a mention. - I could have mentioned the Chinese and the ancient Egyptians as well as Galileo, but none o...

I quite like this. You've handled the rhymes well, but the rhythm, as has been noted, needs more attention. It's very difficult to adhere to a strict metre, something that takes much practise. I was a little confused by scape which, in architecture, is the shaft of a column, I thought you maybe mean...

Two new words for me, baul and ektara . A twig detained one purple kite. Winds could only widen the stab. - I think you need a word to link up with stab : detained means delayed or confined with no suggestion of physical damage. Maybe impaled A twig impaled one purple kite Just a thought.

Thanks both for your replies. Aru, you wanted an explanation. Basically it's just about how Newton and all his equations (and the ones that followed) can make you dizzy. The parietal lobe of the brain is where problems are solved, the cerebellum, among other things, is responsible for movement, spac...

start my collection
build it up slowly from scratch
it's a flea circus

indecipherable decimals
dots in the parietal lobe
fractious fractions
inaction in the cerebellum
interaction with immovables
bruisable shins
pains for my sin
of not knowing
Newton
and all he spawned