Poetry Forum

Hey guys, sorry this didn't translate for you. It's a work in progress...so i'll try to incorporate these suggestions.


JR

RE+VOLT+ER or "j'attends j'attends la patience de mon destin atteint la fin de la bougie", Cash for Chaos & Capitalism: It's a Hell of a Religion! 1. El is in the ink. & black is tough to breathe. Instead, beginnings: all hail the meteoric rise of the godfist! Clouds dune, light sc...

Ben, thanks for coming back. The nick about the minus puncuation was a great relief for me. I was worried that it was going to need added back in. Not a problem but I prefer the over all metaphor it presents rather than the standard stuff. I am not sure you're missing much...I am trying to convey fe...

Rush, yeah apacolyptic love poem of sorts...this has 7 other poems with it & may not convey an accurate picture until they are read....thanks for the good words and thoughts... BE, heady words from a poet whose work I have torn apart & put back together rcently...and found it to be impeccabl...

Nash, yeah after I posted this I suddenly became very busy beyond explaination! But man, wonderfully close read! Can't believe you pulled out the Pi form...almost gave up on that in favor of letting the images breathe more & letting them run loose thru the whole of this. It was a difficult choic...

Hey guys, all thanks and just a note while I am at work: KOFA stands for Kings of Arizona....name of a montain range around here...Yuma.


JR

8 of 8 Equations Pi Burned Alphabetics Atomic Snowstorms in Left Handed Corners of the Mind Circumference of Infinity & Where it Has Gotten Us It's our winning way at losing that brings us here. Things that survive a nuclear winter? Cockroaches, twinkies & infinity . In time, rifles blossom...

Clara, really enjoyed the straight narrative here.....really got caught up in it all.....just shooting ya on the run...more later! Wonderful write!




JR

Clara, thanks for the encouragement! Glad this translated..

Bodkin, wonderful poem! Pi is my favorite & the most expressive. Pull in German crossword puzzles in any poem & I am on board. Just a thumbs up for the reviz. Won-der-fan-tas-tic-u-acular..


JR

Peter, thanks for stopping in on this one! Your thoughts helped me see the flaws here. Glad it translated for you despite the lack of traditional narrative. It's really a feeling underneath speech that I am trying to convey. This is one of 8 poems in a "epic" of sorts that I am working on....

P, wanted to restate what I pm'ed you earlier. This is quite the edit! You took what was a meandering watered down modernist poem & sliced it to a pretty compelling piece! Time to lick a stamp & shoot this to an editor. Personally I only sub by email anymore. Much easier that way. Zines shou...

BE, yeah the first lines are lead...so in the reviz I cut them. Initially they were in place to establish the voice needed to write this in. The voice of everyman...tho a paranoid everyman. Thanks for the edit! The tool of trade that shows thru in my work are the images. Heavily influenced by Ed Pav...

P, much of this is overwritten for a straight forward narrative. I am all for overwriting for some purpose, any purpose. But in a traditional narrative....you better mean every word. Jazz legend Monk once said: There ain't no new notes, just play the ones you really mean. -----I am paraphrasing. Her...

BE, yeah, killer if only modernist. Not a bad thing, just prefer hyper-modern. One nit on the endo... Do all five hearts stop at once, or do they flicker out one by one, the last left waiting for the cloak to descend? would be better if it was simply this: Do all five hearts stop at once, or do they...

This number 6 of 8 part series I am writing called "8 Equations".... Reviz Sonnets to the Warm Pull of Gravity There are things beyond rationality & the warm pull of gravity. Scale models of pyramids that keep steel razors sharp for centuries. How an owl's wings silent as yellow smoke ...

Cal, quite a good poem you have here! I have been perusing the Exp. forum here and so far (after a quick look) this is the only hyper-modern piece! So I am enthralled. It's compressed rather well. Has a good rhythm. Here area a few in line thoughts. No real nits. Pretty clean. We look at the screen,...

When We Fall in Love I promise to sing the tongues of vampires with four clarinets ringing the sunset clean. I'll dazzle you with my extensive knowledge of mineral water. I'll explain touching lips a random lottery of near misses & tragic escapes. Promise: disambiguation of the synaptic structur...

Hello Bod, everything here really works except the last S.....it lacks an immediacy....it's like well she could do this but you'll never really know if she does. My thoughts are this: This evening she holds skin within the flame & watches invisible ink darken for everyone to read. Feels like a s...

Connubial Our bodies speak to one another with silence. Not in the primal language, not the syntax of sex nor the homonyms of individual touch. But in the low moment when your heart mumbling is a cipher translated to warmth that brags bent ferns after night rain. Eats into a place where the unpronou...

Hey wab : i think the rewrite works.. and i really like hte fun house mirrors ref. that paints a twisted picture on the death sequence. I think the last 5 lines tie it nicely with being "telly" u showed us what was happening in a creepy way at times and i think the ending brings clarity. I...

Two this whole poem is exhausting to read yet i love it! I read the crits and it has no real muse....the end may be smallish but teh language alone is DRIVEN like the write itself. IMO greta stuff...i only trip( i have read it 12 times) over the word "lemming-soled". I like the line itself...

Barrie i liked this lil romp thru toad reality...the play on words with tyre/tire was good...connections
at the end were made superbly. Good stuff as usual.


JR

Hey Ded another poem of yurs that has wicked good imagery! This is short and killer....i am nt one who usually
promotes swearing in a poem ....but here i happen to know a few cops and lets say they have a certian predispostion to
foul language.


Loved it.
JR

LOL Elphin...when i read yur poem there a few days back that was what i was thinking....i don't hate flarf its just that as a MOVEMENT i find it a lil empty...its hilarious stuff tho. Yur poem was goooooood! I enjoyed it.



JR