Poetry Forum

Thanks for ur input and I agree some pruning was needed on one verse. The openeing caps was to offset two styles I think as it leads into a ramble lol

Thanks for that!

Well it was never my intention other than use preferred name of mine to allude at all to the film - this is about abuse and the film was more a political/kidnaping and other set up i just answered because u asked. Also expectation shouldn't follow, if i wrote about an 'alice' I would not be expected...

Hi,

Thanks and glad u found something in it. Roja has always been a favourite Indian (Tamil) name. Also it is the title of a film i saw years ago.

It was helpful in that if what I am trying to do and often is draw on the old and encorporate with the new in terms of language, sometime though unless ur reallygood the meaning as u say gets lost as this obviously would disrupt any normal reading. I do enjoy doing it though and no i havent read muc...

Thanks Barrie. Not harsh at all. I am finding it difficult, in exposing my work furhter, to adjust or consider because some advise and some dont care re old words or other that you have mentoned..confused is the word i think I should have used. Don'tget me wrong I love all ths knee jerk reaction mos...

Roja Roja, lure of light Magenta in candlelight Illuminate the words you’ve spoken Crashing deft of might Thunderous, charges bright Scandalous my thoughts, a token ‘Will you speak unto me, A song of pure perfection? Will you give unto me, Your arms of sought protection?’ Rapturous swirls The flowe...

Do you believe in what we weave Be it dreams of orchids raining? What about fate, should destiny wait, Are rain showers just nature feigning? In these chaste chasms of dreams, dead embers lay solemn, their dying breaths long since gone, ushered away and of little consequence. Dust like gentle butter...

My hairs stretch skywards, and spectres of bonfire and drum flicker on my mind walls. All oneness, The cats, slick furred tigers screech to the gloomy sky. The opening although fine wa spoiled by the over used 'swollen and pregnatn when describing the skies etc. You redeemd all that with the above....

That was quite dry and entertaning. You have a some questions mentioned earlier great scope to expand on this or give it more meat, but maybe that would spoil the capsule you created. The brevity gave impact to the scene you depicted..anyway good job.

I liked this...contrast of the nice and rosey then stark reality sometimes? Not too sure about ur presentation re the lines but it ceertianly prompts more interpretation from the reader.

I caught the intent of the pattern as i am a sucker for shape and definton most times....nice subtle piece but still if feel if possible more meat may have enhanced that but maybe spoiled the calm. nice though!

Not too long. I began about 7 or so years ago for my nephew, mainly children books and romantic stuff then carried on for my charity, got the net, joined a site and have kept writing this is the first other i have ventured onto.

Thanks again dave and all is duly taken on board....least i can concetrte on key aspects all at once this timelol

Hi
Thanks for reading and the post above attempts to explain a bit.

That was differnt and enjoyable, pity you couldn't have add 'splat' in there!

Put back together
This jigsaw ain't what it was
I pull it apart

This has been pointed out but I am now thinking did you mean to use ‘still’ in a more peotic adventurous way, which wouldn’t necessarily be just a grammatical issue By the roadside, still keeps on upright.. By the roadside, still keeps upright a dilapidated pillar box Overall I enjoyed the mourning ...

Thank you very much Dave and have played again with it. You were spot on even though as u say they can be used, just used in their correct context and not to be used as a handy tool. So thanks for that! Kozmikdave…to set u apart as u have ha ha. I like your interpretation and glad u could draw one w...

Ha, thanks for your comments BL I see your more geared to this. The 'downer - no hope' i thought captured if he is off hs face then words such as you kindly suggested wouldnt't occur but they do obvously. I thought the downer, just sheer bummed about coming down and the other telling him where to go...

Had you kept with ur beginning and the quirkyness and used white instead of 'night' then this would have achieved something more for me anway, meanwhileilike it the back to back etc of the first verse - imagery and words!

trees all painted white
like virgin eyes that
haunt me through the night

Mellow mama sings to the wind, She feels you, harmonise the vibes... she calls you...man! Psychedelic motions, Bestowin’ mind blowin’ notions. Re-up my rush of roach, Hey, a cockatoo! Nope, It’s jus’ you. Toke? Nope? Buzz? Hope? Nope. Ok, no cockatoo, Still a grief bird, A drag, Dragging me down. No...

I liked the repeated stanas with alternating end..made achnage

Also .earths should be earth's and one typical count is 5-7-5 and BL's suggestion would fit better meeting the count, but what matters is u like them and were pleased.

Would it be allowed to revise the original traditonal sonet also as its the same theme? Redrafted: Singing out, stoic resignation cups comfort found in the nectar we imbibe, as we digest our dying zest and wait in the warm solace under fractured lands. Weariness drowns out unwelcome nightmares disg...

Hi BL Thanks firstly for your warm praise and its vey welcomed. The story is cliched, in a quest for victory in a bitter relationship. He has won not a lot really tying to score pints and so she points out that just as well its tarnished to boot as all he'd see was his and general other general fail...