Poetry Forum

A late thank you for the comments on this-especially yours, ray-will take it from where you commented in the rewrite. I was standing down the allotments inhaling woodsmoke and everything felt so much more disturbing than seasons of mist etc. I didn't want to lose that. Thank you again overdone dog :D

Hiya,

I'm with Nino on the 'ors'. There are some lovely images here-the paired shoes were my favourite-not quite sure either about the ending. But thank you for a good read.

jacq

Hi d.,

I also enjoyed those alabaster lips but perhaps, as ray has pointed out, you could lose a few bits and gain more poetry. Wasn't too sure that the rhyming added anything much, either-bit too emphatic for my tastes!

But thank you.

jacq

This is good fun, ray, but it might be better as a piece of prose. I work with people who have problems like this and for some of them this sort of thing is real.

Thanks

jacq

d,

I'm with clarabow on this one-I'm a bit confused. It feels as if you'd be better off taking one very small aspect of all of this and making it clearer. It could be good, but at this point in time it's too muddy.

jacq

Come autumn we smash hedges with chains, a breaking of bones back to wood. The spidered brides of September stand clipped like witches,faggots for their own burning on the fat bit of the year. I am handed the sun on the nape of my neck, a different weight as I tread the discarded cots of cabbages an...

I found this really quite poignant, Ben. I think I would leave off the gold lettering. What remains is enough. I like the idea of the bird image but this was trying too hard-spines is such a good word to play with. The next stanza is the same. It could be lighter and more effective and that is my fe...

Hi Sharra, I had to produce a sestina and I've reached the conclusion that it takes a lot of work to do it any kind of justice and more than that to produce something which is really successful. I think you've done really well to write what you have. For me the hardest thing was to write a piece whe...

D,

I used to work on a farm. This poem reminds me of the time I nearly shaved off a very important part of a sheep's anatomy whilst waving around a pair of clippers and unfortunately I simply cannot see past that memory right now.

Apologies!

jacq

Hi Elph,

Thank you for your input-will now go away to chew over it all and attempt a revision sometime before the kids have gone back to school-

jacq

Pauline,

I really enjoyed this-made me want to dance. It would benefit from another shine but it's lovely.

Many thanks-am waiting for my brain to stir from its siesta

jacq

calmly pecking the delete key-ooooh-I love that bit.

Are you of an age to remember Professor Yaffle? I had a vivid image of something clockwork....showing my age

jacq

Hi aru,

This was a bit different. I like the idea, but I'm with brian on this. It feels a bit like someone else's story. Have a go with a monologue with you as the court verse writer, free it a bit.

Thank you

jacq

brian 'tis simply the name of the farm!-no apostrophe in it but if it makes anyone more comfortable will adapt it. and then - I have hit a really big problem here, folks, and it is completely of my own making. I am more than happy to go back to the drawing board with the crits., but the dog doesn't ...

Hi John,

Decide the one thing which your poem is about and make it about it. As Brian says, too many ideas and for me the power of any of them doesn't combine it gets diluted. And make it as easy to read as possible.

Thank you,

jacq

Bruitts Farm She washes the days, rinses them with talk of time, birds, sky, the empty trough. The chatter drains. She rests her breath and leans on her resentment: there are two of us. He rubs his mind; it fails. He sweats to free it, to claw back the years of harness which pull as he moves, a fera...

Hi Sophie and welcome,

The silent meteors line was my favourite. There are some lovely soft sounds in there, but some of the images need to be personalized a bit more.

We had to study 'Eleanor Rigby' for O Level English-nothing wrong with looking at the poetry in a song!

All best wishes

jacq

Hi e There's a lot to say about this but I every time I say I will come back to something I never get round to it-so this is a short comment. I liked it but feel it would be better just as verse about the girl-from the sparkler line onwards. Otherwise it feels like 2 poems in one, or two of a sequen...

Hi Ben, I enjoyed this. Before I looked at the photograph the title actually made me think of R2D2 or something similar which was underlined by the time I reached the cloning bits. I thought I was reading about some kind of old android, which says a lot about me I guess. Being a nurse, I also had an...

Hi Ros, I liked this and feel that there is a lot you could do with it. My feeling now, when I am about to go to bed, is that you should try and relax with it a bit. If I had that many sense impressions in the mornings I'd have a nervous breakdown before I got to the car. Sorry no more now-need bed....

Hi d, I read it through and couldn't really go anywhere with it. I just feel confused and the problem with anything written about the Second World War and the issues around the Holocaust is that there's a lot of it and it takes a really keen central image to pull it off. I couldn't find that here. I...

i'm with clarabow on this. You don't need to go into why too much-leave the reader thinking why you would want to have this done in the first place?
But I'm glad I've read it, thank you

jacq

Loved it-how to reclaim your world in words. The same happened with the names of acids-there are 'proper' names for formic acid and oxalic acid.

Thank you

jacq

Clara,

am off to bed, but this is fish, isn't it!?

jacq

Welcome! Thank you for your poem and being brave enough to post it. We all start somewhere and it's a bit terrifying. I'm glad you liked Florence. If you decide to work further about this, make it more personal, like something which you cannot shake off.And don't be afraid to point out what isn't go...