Poetry Forum

Hi, I have to confess I'm not overly keen on the title - but that's because my french is crap and a bougie to me is a long flexible guide used to help guide an endo-tracheal tube into the throat. That aside. Hmm. I don't know. Can I sit on the fence? It's ok - I do like the idea of relating the form...

Hi Sam, On the whole it's a good poem. I try catching the reflection of a girl who sits opposite me - you don't need the "me" as it appears only fleetingly in the streaking green of the grass that grows on the wall by the track. Now, as we enter a tunnel, The "now" seems a bit od...

This is really good Dedalus,

you've managed to convey a short period of time with suspense and accuracy.

Hi Elphin, I must admit - I do sometimes find a phrase I like and it creeps into a couple of poems in a row! It's a bit like discovering a new type of chocolate - and then repeatedly buying it for a week! Having spent so long working on those lines in the first stanza - it may take me a week or so t...

Hi Merlin

this is good - and makes us all jealous!
I would echo what Barrie said - about the maelstrom puff - I love the phrase, but I think you need to find a way to tone it down or make it smaller - as it does seem to contradict the gentle breeze idea.

Thanks David, I agree - war poetry doesn't have to be against war - and I will look for Christopher Logue's War Music - it does look good. Homer did rather seem to relish the gritty battle details - and Will S did write some excellent war poetry - and Henry V undoubtably the best known, and most rip...

There is certainly a case for Owen, David - and I think you have the weight of the serious critics on your side, who almost always rate him as better than Sassoon (who incidentally was featured on Melvyn Brag's "In our Time" programme a few weeks back) - but you are right, it's horses for ...

Hi David, I know some of the sentences are a bit long - and I like semi colons - but I dont' want that long a pause after mammals. I'm afraid my knowledge of trees is somewhat limited. They are the ones in the back garden of the house across the street! They are about the size of a 3 storey building...

Hi Barrie - Yes, Civilian and Soldier reminded me of Strange Meeting as well - although I thought Soyinka's the better of the two. I'm also very fond of Sassoon - I think it's because of his irony and sarcasm - same reason I am so fond of Cavafy! Strangely enough this one of Sassoon's had escaped me...

I've been trying to address the cliched bits which Barrie pointed out.
See what you think!

I gather the phone lines will be manned by Blue Peter staff...

Hi

It's much better - very snappy.

Hi, like many - I studied a bit of war poetry at school, and became a fan of the works of Siegried Sasson, Wilfred Owen etc... Now I am working hard at my poetry - I try to study a poem a day, or at least every other day, and I came across this - which blew the others out of the water imo My apparit...

Thanks Barrie,

I'm glad you've picked up on these.
I've been trying to work on ways of describing nature in a more modern way - and to find my own voice in this area - so it's useful to have the cliches pointed out!

Edited version - Trees As winter comes, the trees stand tall, holding onto their golden crowns - rustling protests against the breeze. Tissue-paper jewels radiate glimmers of conceited brilliance, waving sadly to the departing season, and taunting the shivering mammals who could never hope to realis...

Hi -
there isn't much to add to what Barrie said. It's coming along well.
I would agree that you can add something of Arthur etc... even if they have Welsh origins, I don't think you can separate "Englishness" from it's influences - nor should we. And it adds to the magic!

Welcome Sean, I'm sure you will do ok. You will find that you learn as much from commenting on the work of others as you do by the comments others make about your work. Don't worry about the grammar and spelling - you can always check those later - it's far more important what you write, and what yo...

I've always thought that the general notion of Englishness, was really about the Home Counties, and not England as an entirety - there have been poems celebrating corners of England, like this one, by Tony Harrison Turns I thought it made me look more 'working class' (as if a bit of chequered cloth ...

I like this Merlin - it has a real dark humour! There are one or two lines which come across as a bit forced for rhyme "it fails to grow anew with your antenna broken and askew" and "No! You haven't, you gutless freak, upon you I shall have to sneak." (Generally you should capita...

I think "wanky literary reference" should definitely be among the important critical comments made in newspapers about any literary work!

Hi Transparent

Yes - this is working - and I love the sinister undertones.
I'm not overly convinced by "perched" in the willow tree - but it does depend on how the third part plays out.

I don't think we need to know who he is - I like the idea that we can put our own ideas into it.

Hi Barrie, It's good. It feels quite intense - and I don't know if you could consider adding in some suspense? But I do like it. I agree with Elphin - I don't think it matters who they are in this kind of poem - it's the age old bogeyman idea, but nicely updated. then seek out sleep I like this line...

Hi You have nothing to lose by sending this. It is as good as the stuff that gets published - better than some of the stuff. And if they reject it - so what? It doesn't detract from how good the poem is. It could be that they want poems on a certain theme, or have a certain style in mind. I'm sure t...

Hi Brendan, Going close to the bone can be very useful in poetry. I also agree that nothing has changed in private discourse - and that there is a history of bigotry, and that it's still there - but underground. I also think that charting the bigotry would be an excellent thing to do - although very...