Poetry Forum

Hi Ded, just a couple of points of view, if you don't mind... I don't like critting in the lounge, coz your all giants here - but hell - got to have a go... :mrgreen: Hard subject to write about, to be honest, I can agree with most of what the poem seems to be saying....but if it wasn't for the GREA...

DL Thanks - I'm glad you liked it.....I thought I would be picked up on a couple of cliches :mrgreen: ....will work on that... Baz.... Understand......it's not for you - you may have noticed I sometimes veer/venture into vitriolic stuff....no malice intended - of course... :twisted: ...thanks for l...

OK gents......crap idea.....

PS: It was a speech...

Some great lines and imagery ....however, I think there are at least 3, possibly 4 stand alone poems here... For instance, the first verse; is a poem which can stand alone! I get older, They get younger. Inside the rough awkwardness Of sequins and coloured fabric bows, I hide my tired, sore and Bon...

Should Have Stayed On The Farm Don’t complain when the sky falls on your head duck, dive, skive , plot, scheme ,dream in your lazy bed. Calcified cement plugging ears of muted imbecile from the south who answered a calling, and is now falling down, down, down, a clown with a crown, king of laughter...

I quite liked this - and it's such a common aspect of relationships...part time/seasonal love and all that! Not sure about starting with the title, I would consider starting with: ¨When effusive light has¨ I never love you when it's Summer And effusive light has Disguised my pale, worn skin With an...

David....glad you don't mind no rhyme...have rewritten , but not in rhyme form...just experementing...

Thanks again, everyone...

Nice one , BL

Ah...Iv'e found it now.....

You can only delete your post if noone has replied....as soon as someone replies you cannot delete it...
Thanks Nicola...

How do you delete your own post(s)? I can't find a delete tag anywhere!

Thanks...

Alighting from the tube I hopscotch past fellow commuters (would bin the ¨I¨, hopscotching perhaps) heading for the escalator to the main concourse,( a bit too much info) where the area is awash with a smell, (too basic - don't do anything for the poem) a smell that reminds me of wet horses, I wande...

I like this John.... still reading it...will come back to it!

I like the equine theme....you into the gee gees? (sport of kings) If you are , you should visit my sports betting forum...great horse section there...I can PM you the url if you like..

Thanks Barrie...John and KK.... As CCV, Barrie and KK has suggested rhyme...gonna work on a rhythmic version... John , you said - underlying meance or a certain amount of darkness - I gues your right, sometimes it's intentional, sometimes not....it must be my inherent style or something... KK - now...

Stuart, Thanks for your comments/feedback... to rhyme or not to rhyme :mrgreen: .... I did have a rhyme schem in my head for this, but changed my mind completely! I can never tell when a rhyme is gonna suit the write - sometimes one gets feedback about too much rhyme or crap rhyme, then not enough r...

I feel like David critting Goliath... :mrgreen: B....I really enjoyed this - I think it's a terrific poem - I just love the imagery, so easy to follow and it just ables along, kinda nonchalant, almost.. A nice , easy relaxing read... Black ants, random thoughts swarm out of a hole in the head, the ...

I was going to rewrite this in rhyme...but to be frank, am bored with rhyme (for now) :roll: ... I discovered parataxis yesterday :mrgreen: , and thought I would try a rewrite using that technique - don't know if it works, or even if I have understood it correctly :mrgreen: Here is the rewrite: Chan...

Yeah - I liked this too... It's difficult to crit a poem like this - especially difficult if one is from a different culture - although I guess the aspirations are universal (I would hope)... One thing I would consider - as you have the intro to Mahatma Gandhi, I would maybe consider dropping the fa...

Hi John, just a quickie - quite liked this, and prefered number 2. However, I would be tempted to cut it further :shock: ... I have bolded what I would consider binning - with the result at the end... 6am the view is the same everyday standing at Clapham Junction with the city waking up back home y...

Thanks D and Elph...

Yeah - that is pretty descriptive , from Dave...

Elph..I really like your suggestion of dropping ¨as¨ , I agree it works better....

Consider it changed......................

Thanks...

Hey D... Got to comment on this if not crit it....Well in fact I can't crit it coz I don't understand it... I feel you write great poetry, and I really enjoy reading your stuff - but your work just baffles a mere mortal like me...I just cant make head or tail of most of it... The one thing that stan...

Dl - thanks so much for your feedback - actually helped a lot, thank you! Think you summed it up here.. It's rueful, contemplative and very dark - it's not funny or 'clever' Thanks... Kris... - why not post in experienced? - Who you think your kidding , Mr Camus :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :shock: ... Don'...

Ooh.KK....is this a bit of dissilusionment - considering embarking upon an affair...? :lol: :P The varnish cracked in December, as the silver baubles muddied (I would consider dropping, silver) and turkey roasted ‘til midnight. You hacked the charcoal from burnt bones and thanked the Lord for our b...

There wasn't much in the chair's empty cove,
just curled leaves of a plant, four hollowed grooves,
and a wall peeling, brown, like a splayed shoe.
Perhaps this mess was Grandad's best reproval,
his final words among the carpet's smooth
lining, on which the cat had honed its claws.

NUMBER 2

Wait to see what others think, ben...it may have been me being dumb. ....its clear now....

Thanks W & B... Really appreciated... :P I tell you what, I'm really surprised you liked it - As I had serious doubts it was worthy of posting at all - and thought, well - wot kinda judge am I? :roll: I can understand how one would think it lacks realism - and I think that's the way I meant it t...