Poetry Forum

Simple - yet profound and deceptively cryptic...

I think the poem title is a red-herring...For me the poem depicts 2 differing states of mind...

Thanks Barrie......

A silver shopper, stooped (I quite liked this start) and solemn, fixed in space, but lost in time, sat poised, barely moving, eating ice cream in slow motion. She scooped a measured spoonful from the cardboard cup, and careless of thermal dynamics, raised the payload in its plastic shovel, graduall...

Oops :oops: …a bit late for this as I have already made 74 posts (I think)…but anyway….short and sweet… Stage name: Merlin :shock: Real name: Alan Place of birth: Swansea Now residing: Brazil (Recife) 8) As has been seen by the few poems I have posted – :shock: I haven’t got a bloody clue :shock: …v...

Hi Sean,

Welcome - although I am very new here, too....seeing this post has reminded me how rude I was when I walked in here...

Will have to make an introductory post now

I have come back to this a few times.....great poem Barrie...again :lol: I did say in my little teeny weeny crit that futility runs through it.......and I stand by that...However, after more thought I want to be more precise than that :shock: ...I think it's a position against miracles..and the impr...

This is a good piece..I.

I will come back to it......

David...dont think its homo-erotic.......although it seems to have a sure kinda brotherly love.....running through it...is that homo -erotic ?

...make them roll uphill
just like sisyphus,
roll down the hill again.

You may as well call this ¨Blow Job¨ :mrgreen: The imagery was OK….(would be wouldn’t it) :shock: The first stanza is a good intro…second stanza…..interesting…..3rd stanza – well – predictable really…particularly the phrase.. the anatomy of our mistake. Well worn phrase…….sounding like something fro...

Ioan Regarding the word; penguin; I wasn’t aware – found it interesting…good stuff… I think there is a lot to learn (generally speaking) about B-polar, and there are some interesting approaches towards understanding it better , particularly in the U.S. I think it’s (in my opinion) an :shock: existen...

Polar people polar moods (nice start,I was expecting polar bear to come after) :mrgreen: Acute emotion bi-polar two’s Mystical heights to Garderene stalls (Spelling erra = Gaderene) :shock: Crushing falls in Satan’s halls From naked raging primeval brute to angelic form in a Penguin suit, (best lin...

I like this too....glad Az...rescued it......very enjoyable read...

Thanks...

Jav,

Loved this, great word use...and your very good punctuation enhances it immensely.

This is a good original work – I really have no idea how you may improve it…if you even can…

By the way…I think its about rallying……

Well done and thanks…

Here is another attempt at a villanelle….I want to play around with this form for a few more weeks – before I move on to something else…..I find it suits my learning style better to stick with something until I am kinda happy with it… In this one, I have changed one of the words in the refrain…not s...

Thanks , Mick...really appreciate your feedback...

Yeah - this villanelle lark is a bugger alright.....gonna keep plugging a few more, before I move to a new form...

Slowly down the nave, she placed careful feet over the long dead, who had breathed their share and more. She knelt in the empty chancel, listened to the soft echoing coughs of a small goup who were leaving, (deliberate spelling error) then looked up above the alter to where a stone Jesus hung on a ...

Merlin u swine!! James blunt! whyioughtta. no, you were right. especially the bit about light from the sun blocked and the carriage lighting up. i have twiddled it a bit, tried to skim off some fat. cheers gareth :mrgreen: :mrgreen: I knew you would like the comparison.....Ga.....winding you up mat...

Ooh...I like this Barrie....will come back to it later.....

Final 2 stanzas are brill, for me...

Thanks , TLF

There are big gaps in my grammar …I must brush-up……

Any help with grammar is appreciated…..

I.S. Well worn subject not really represented in a new or original way at all… :twisted: There are probably a million poems out there about dock life vying for first position – this one aint gonna make it…. :mrgreen: However…. I enjoyed the internal rhyme, especially…..and some of the imagery is goo...

Ioan, As sure as eggs are eggs…. I knew you would hit on this poem… Thanks for the critique, even though I don’t agree with it – entirely… I must respond… I have to get 2 crits in to make room for mine so here goes. This sounds like you are forcing crits – surely not the way to play it? :lol: ‘I do...

Elphin...

Pleased you agreed with me about the maelstrom puff....

Barrie and Lexi, taking your dissaproval into account...how does

and allure it into an affable puff. grab you - is it better...

I have revised and wait for another kick in the balls or an agreement

This is great – pure and utter… Whitman – no more and no less… Here are 2 of his quotes, which for me embody this great poem… Quote 1: ¨There is no god more divine than yourself ¨ This quote (1) sums up the whole of the first stanza (in my opinion)…. Quote 2: ¨I think I could turn and live with anim...

…turn that frown around,
Its your lucky day,
You’ve copped!

Hi Sam, Read this again.... Found it very ¨James Blunt¨ the second time round.... :shock: Sometimes, I don’t think it’s as easy as it seems trying to poetically show something as simple as a train journey…think you have the basis of something good though… One thing – perhaps consider this line: in t...

Nice short story type write... Could possibly be extended - any plans?..chapter 2 8) Although under different circumstances....the bus stop bit reminded me of a woman I once knew...she used to go to the end of the street everyday at 5.00pm….to meet her son of the bus…he was due to come home from wor...