Poetry Forum

I liked this , thought it was great... nice one!

How about chaliced tongue

I like this - an entertaining take on the subject matter :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: and the way in which it is kinda :mrgreen: long winded :mrgreen: , is a positive aspect in this....imo... Could be improved though, agree wit barrie's suggestions.... Yeah - I liked it...sure wasn't a crap poem....

Some great lines, and some of the rhyme is good, yet some of it forced... I think there are great possibilities with this - which is dependent however, on maintaining the standard when playing about with the clunky lines... In my opinion , these are the clunky bits...IMO, the lines highlighted are t...

Thanks for your feedback, TDF and BF....appreciated....mucho... TDF - My idea was... Cloy is life, something which promises to be pleasant but is in fact unpleasant - after a while anyway....when the realisation kicks-in that life is in fact death in disguise... Breakout is very desirable - in other...

barrie wrote:I have been called something beginning with a W before, but it wasn't a wizard.
Barrie

Your a Wizard, with a capital W, Barrie...improved it no end....

Now , why didn't I think of that

Cloy
A surreal aura engirdles
a being asleep,
like a celestial prisoner
of the firmament
surreptitiously edging
into the deep.

No more you
malevolent dragon king,
the ecstasy has soured
and breakout
is desirable
for the dysphoria it would bring.

Great , great poem, Barrie.... Any Dylan Thomas influence in this?

I liked this, it's fun - I think I would consider putting it altogether - I am unsure if the couplets are strong enough to stand-alone (just my opinion)... :mrgreen: :twisted: I would also consider dropping the And in the penultimate line...and changing wondered to wondering... Like this: They smoth...

No, you didn't come off snappy Tom...no worries , no worries at all...

That's why when I post it's in the bar , ie: the the novice section......hardly go in the lounge , where the real bards are...

Oops...well if that's the way one of those wacky haky's is supposed to hang , Tom, scuse my ignorance mate...

A simple poem, but I guess that's the point of it! I think it could be improved with some punctuation... Also possibly, consider changing these 2 lines a search for gold and power (it's the gold and power that bugs me :mrgreen: ) a shallow grave of poppies (must be in a million poems) :shock: I thin...

Yeah - like this, I think the rhyme is great - it flows nicely - good poem...

Agree with E, the last line needs another beat...

John, I think this is your best yet - it's great...

Not to keen on those long lines though - makes it look and feel a bit prosy...

The way I see it, is it's surreal for sure , but I guess that's the idea....a nice dig at modern living if you ask me....

I prefer version 2... However, I would bin the first line entirely....not needed, imo... :roll: :lol: I would also change some of the line-layout, something like this: Corner of my eye caught by a vision seen fleeting, = binned A flame-flicked teasing silhouette that dances a marionette, a myth of y...

John,

I think draft 2 is much better...

The only bit I am unsure of is this line:

Out of a door blue, paint cracked


Don't sound or seem quite right to me...could be word order, or the first word ¨out¨which throws a spanner in...

Nice job...

John, I think this is a really good poem - couple things need to be possibly reworked, but I think it could be very good...one of the best I have read of yours (my opinion). PS: I have blued what I consider to be possible changes An early start in charcoal grey morning light heavy like a wet sheet, ...

Oskar wrote:Merl

just 'avin' a laugh, old chap.

I would have hoped that was the case...Os.....but until you edited and put that last bit on the bottom of your post.....it didn't come across that way...

Oskar wrote:You are a disgrace.

I beg your pardon, OsKar?

Thanks for your feedback, Elph and Barri... Upon reflection I think the idea of the poem is OK....but I failed in the exection of it....perhaps I will come back to it another time... In fact, I'm gonna take a long break from this forum - maybe I'll return someday... :roll: Good luck, and thanks agai...

Keep trying to improve it...

although know how you feel...

Silk Stockings! You scattered a trail of silk stockings all over the house. They enticed me, excited me, - game on! I would find you waiting for me in the bathtub - naked! With ballet waist and legs akimbo, anticipation - heightened! You waited, I approached you - my prey! Climax imminent, I trust ...

The rhyme in this is very neat - enjoyable sort of read too - cant say much else....one thing though, ccv.....some of the lines are kinda abrupt - but I guess this is intentional as the poem is making statements!

I know how these Villa's can be buggers...good effort though.....some nice lines and images... However, as is common with writing villanelles, the refrain in this is problematic... Its not easy to achieve, but I think the refrain should flow naturally...and the current refrain stands as 2 sentences....

ooh - a Villanelle will come back to this...