Poetry Forum

Haiku is the DNA of poetry

How so, Tony? I'm not disagreeing, I've just never thought of it that way before!

ABC

Thank you both for the feedback!
Not, what makes S1 seem a mockery? Maybe I'm missing it because I know what I meant in writing it!

I worked on the repetition and combined the final awkward 2-line stanzas into one in the revision, and I think it is definitely better for the changes!

Berlioz was in love with an English actress who he'd seen play Juliet and Ophelia, so he referred to her by those names. Not, How could I miss "weary?" :roll: And you're definitely right about adding the name. I think I was avoiding it because I assumed the audience was not familiar with t...

That makes sense, but it's too bad! I'll be happy to contribute. The small number isn't ideal, but for me it's less overwhelming!
Thanks for catching me up!
Anna

This is a poetic summary of a letter from the classical composer Hector Berlioz. His over-dramatic style made me laugh, and it was begging for a poem! Dear Friend, I hardly know what now to write, for surely you grow tired of my woes. And yet my love for Juliet still grows! Unhappy woman! Hell repe...

REVISED The gravel grinds its teeth beneath my feet beneath the weight I bear in witnessing this stoic scene of death and noble love. So proud and straight the stalks of guardian flowers with plumes of blood-dried red stand sentinel and mark their brothers’ graves against the wind. And at their root...

That's a cool idea! I appreciate the translation as well.
"Connecting the dots" is such a cool take on morse code.
Anna

I'm usually not the biggest fan of Haikus. Maybe it's because I haven't heard many as good as this. It captures a moment perfectly! Also, I don't know if it was intended, but I kind of love the ambiguity of whether "snows'" is a noun or a verb there. It doesn't really change the meaning, b...

I'm sorry if I missed a post on another page here. Are we losing this forum? I hope not! It's been a huge help to me, even though I'm pretty new!
If so, do you all know of other good (or at least okay-ish) forums?
Anna

Hi Tony, This is lovely! I especially like the wristwatch and rhyme of "dark" and "bark" connecting the stanzas. I think it could benefit from something other than "becomes/became." Maybe the first two could stay, establishing the idea of one thing becoming another, and...

Thank you all for the comments! I'm sorry it took me so long to get back to this one.

Not, thank you for the suggestions. I've used several, and I think the poem is definitely stronger for them!

Anna

Thanks in advance for your comments! This is such a helpful forum! {REVISED} He slipped into my mind and stole my words. He twisted them to make me feel their weight. I guess at least it means somebody heard. Those words, the truth I wanted to create, were told to others slanted by his hate. He slip...

Hi Kris,
This is really nice, I love the dust as northern lights image, that's so creative and says so much about the limited world they're experiencing.
I might try "slit in the tattered curtain."

Hi Ray, This is so fun, I love the idea! I think "omits to leave" isn't quite the right use of omits, maybe "fails" or "neglects." Could be I'm missing a play on words there? Just an idea, maybe extend the alliteration and smooth out the rhythm with "not rush to to...

Hi Tony, I love the concept, it's beautiful! I've just now read a bit about ghazals, but this is my first look at them so disregard this if it's incorrect. I think the longer second lines, especially in the first few couplets, weaken the rhythm. But if that is intentional or part of the form, go for...

Thanks Everybody!
I'll work on the rhythm. And Not, I like the idea of using just the last two verses, and "soured" is a nice addition, too.

Thanks for the feedback! I've put up another draft. What do you think of the stand-alone lines? Ray, the added words in the second lines of each stanza are so that the rhythm is more consistant with "When a woman walks alone," but maybe there is a better way to approach that. I'll give it ...

Hi Ray, The rhyme became less important to me in the soul section, but I'm not sure why I kept it in that penultimate stanza. In the revision, I've ended the "Body" stanzas with a rhyme, and kept the alliterative focus, while the last two stanzas stray from those structures to create contr...

REVISION: There’s a thing that dies When a child wakes up grown. When wooden blocks and baby dolls, tree-branch swords and fairy wings, dress-up box and make-believe Are set aside for good. There’s a thing that dies When a child leaves her home. When drives to school and lunchbox notes, homework don...

I thought I could dance and I thought I’d be free to dance anywhere that I happened to be. The rhythm felt natural, I’d mastered the tune so who could but love to watch me twirling through? Of course, in the place where I’m from, it’s not easy to dance with abandon and not come off cheesy. But I thi...

Hi Tony, I love the overall feeling here. For clarity, I would make one of these changes (or something with similar effect). You could use commas and "shaped": Spider-like, tree-shaped, hanging on the horizon.... You could also take the hyphen out of "tree-shape": Spider-like tre...

Hi Ray, Deliverance is a great title, especially because it ties the church bell imagery in a little bit. I don't love the "inner beast" image because it makes me think more of the metaphorical "inner demon" idea. While it is clearly not referring to that in this context, my mind...

Hi Ray! I'm with Not, the language is great. It took me a second read to get it, but that's only because I'm not used to the vernacular. It still achieved a lot on the first read, anyway. I definitely see Not's point, but the ending didn't bother me. I read it with a little cynicism, as though it's ...

Hi Ray, I like this a lot, it made me laugh at the end without feeling like a silly poem overall. "Or shiterow, a thin, weakly person." For me, this line seems unnecessary and dwells on the dictionary definition concept one line too long, This is very possibly just a matter of preference t...

No one lends a hand. Each for their own. There is a silence that is sown. When you walk you are alone. I’m the last one there when crowds disperse. I am the coffin and the hearse. I am the cough and the curse. Hi Tony! I enjoyed this poem! It sets such a strong tone. The rhythm feels fairly consist...