Poetry Forum

Back to the forum after a long hiatus! I would love some feedback on the development of this scene for a story I am working on. I know it's a little longer (~900 words), but I'd greatly appreciate the input. The Constable’s booming baritone easily cut down Clarion’s reply. “Save your candied words, ...

HI Kamy, I haven't been on this board in a LONG time - so I'm probably a bit rusty! Still, I'd like to offer a couple of thoughts. I like that you've written a fairly unique perspective piece - a "crossroads" is an interesting vantage point, and I found myself wondering how I might observe...

Hello,

It will take me a few reading to "digest" (as aforementioned), but it is a nice piece. Why the use of the word "neath"? Doesn't seem to fit. Good read!

Cheers.

Hey, Nice work. I love pieces that are short, with intense emotion. I know it was mentioned earlier, that perhaps it could have been shorter, but I would have to disagree. I think there is enough emotion in here to justify its length; if not perhaps even a touch longer. I think the three line stanza...

Rally cars and racing...very, very interesting. Awesome imagery, and I loved the way you captured the fervency and...anger (?) of cars battling for supremacy. Very nice.

It may be short, but I like it. Some might argue that life is simply an extended series of "one-liners." Cheers!

*

Wordlessly she sat on the aged wooden bench, patiently waiting for a bus that had come once, long ago, leaving her behind. The world, lost in silent thought, took no notice. The tall, lanky girl with blonde hair gazed intently at the green canvas bag holding her meager possessions. The color, faded ...

For my money, I say strange and eclectic...(did someone mention brotherly love...? Homo-erotic = no way). One small word: Avoid usage of writer-based prose. There are times we are unable to get into your head...so let us in. Cheers!

A park in Autumn is the place to be when serenity is what you seek. Reclined on a bench of wooden slats, feeling the breeze caress your cheek. Watch the children run and play do you see the kite up in the sky? Bobbing and weaving in celestial dance with lazy clouds just strolling by. Lost in a momen...

From naked raging primeval brute
to angelic form in a Penguin suit,
He pledges eternal undying amour
returns home late in vomit an’ gore

Good imagery for the B Polar picture. Nice one.

Being somewhat new to all of this, I'm not entirely solid in my critiquing. However, it does seem to have a comfortable rythym, and it has an almost..."fun" quality to it. For what it's worth, I like it.

Hey all,

Thanks for the feedback. This piece was a failed attempt (but an attempt nonetheless!) at re-crafting a short story I wrote into a poem. I actually am really looking forward to taking another shot at it, so thanks all!!

This is just plain 'ole funny...dark funny, of course. ; ) Fave line:
no terrorizing me again
when I hit your head with my size ten.

A little forced ryhme, and slightly sketchy syntax, but well worth the read. I, too, learned a new word.

***

I like this...I read the word 'confessional' a few times, seems an appropriate adjective....

Am I too off base, however, to suggest that it reads like a suicide note?

Worth a pondering...

I also like the imagery of concealment...a bit existential, which is always nice. Good one!

Another night has passed, and still we are apart. I miss you. Are you are thinking of me, wherever you are? Do you miss me, in your mysterious absence? Surely you remember the first time our eyes met; I waited so long to get your attention! Do not despair, my love, I shall see you again soon. I will...

For what it's worth, it's very clever...even if it is prose. A twisted Silverstein, perhaps? Give it another shot.

Wow....an ACTUAL female perspective, from a female even....

Thank you, I appreciate the critique. I am looking forward to refining this one.

Thanks for all the feedback. I actually HAVE been kicking around a follow-up.... ; )

Only the wind knows....nice imagery. This was a nice scene to imagine. Thanks!

its as if you are holding my hand
just for the pleasure,
of letting it go.

Seems like a bit of sexual tension? A passive-aggressive elaboration of pent-up feelings.... I love it.

So why was the second verse longer?

I liked it...looking forward to reading more.

~J

It was nice to see you again last night.
Your smile so warm,
your laugh, so genuine.
Your movements are graceful,
and presence inviting.
We will see each other again tomorrow night, my love.
Perhaps I will finally introduce myself.
For now, stargazing...

I am not very good at crits, but this was...strange. Kinda rambled, and not necessariy in the "rythmically mad" fashion. I DID love the line "Rather, I may opt for a "live-in" with someone like .. err well, anyone who has got the "right curves at the right places"!...