Poetry Forum

SECOND REVISION ..two verses ..what thinkest thou? before I revise the entirety. The focus must be clarified so complete revision will take some thought and time..and I don't want to commit before I get an opinion on the first two verses.. Kozmikdave: In America, "washboard" is like "...

Dave The words.."fasteners" "chains glistening" correctly describes the action. It is interesting that those words have become such cliches that the meaning is not clear because of the cliches. People tend to read "bundles of cliches" rather than the meaning of the word...

Dave The setting for this poem is isolated farm communities in California. Municipal Fire Departments are located in small towns. The roads are narrow, twisting lanes. It takes quite a while for the official fire crews to arrive at a grass/brush fire that may have started in some far pasture, the on...

Thank You Wabznasm 1) Verbs ..Your pointers helped..That "dreamlike" quality has puzzled me..it makes tense and pronoun hard to define. That does need to be fixed. 2) The Focus..I hadn't thought of reducing the action as the way to achieve clarity The theme and action/time are too large. I...

I'm just not sure which
it was one or the other
someone may have switched

Thanks Kim,
There are very good writers on this site. The moderators are helpful and polite. The English and Australians are intriguing. I'm glad I found this site. I can read good poems in the making..and maybe learn more about the craft myself.

I found "Hello, Good Evening and Welcome" during the continuing exploration of the site.
I am an American..
To me, poetry is an adventure, a sojurn into the experience of language.
I like to read poetry. I like to write poetry but I am not prolific.

He was droolin all over your ar....
Well, I'll be telling my ma
Pa was droolin'g all over your ar..
Yeah, I'll be tellin' what I saw
Ma's got a fryin' pan and a rollin' pin
Ma'll sure fire, home cook dam fool sin

Ahhh...yes.. And that solves the enjambment of that dangling "will" There are other words that are possible.."escaping" "wandering" if you have a 3 syllable space to work with, but "erratic pigs" is fine. "Erratic" echoes the sound of "traffic, ...

"Erratic pigs will" is a 5 syllable line. The decreasing pattern is interrupted but it is your choice if there are other considerations; sound, sense, rhythm and rhyme.. "Spilled" vibrantly describes what the pigs are/were.."spilled out of a trailer".."Erratic"...

Axis: Bold as Love
boo'd; crashed, awoke super glued
stoned tern seeps fowl mood

cops found stoned tern crashed
confiscated the cash cache
evidence of stash

Good job..I assume you intended syllabic verse Robert Frost's "Stopping in a Snowy Wood" and (I read, haven't counted the poem) D. Thomas "Do Not Go Gentle" are both rhymed, metered, syllabic verse. Those poems are 8-10 rather than the 7-5-4-3-2 in this poem. You have chosen the ...

Thanks Kim
I will remove the "while the" It isn't needed for rhyme or reason..and doesn't add to the imagery..
You stated my thoughts exactly...about the rest of the poem..
I will rewrite..see what I can do with it..

This a partial revision...just the first two verses. The primary difference..use of (approximately) Standard Meter. The tires slowly churn the washboard stirring up the dust, metal clatters, clangs as a slew of trucks, painted rust, halt, doors open, shut, slam bang The tools to fight the burn roote...

"herds that hear" It does..catch but to me it was the alliteration and the possibilty of confusing "herd" with "heard" ..but I thought it was clever and interesting even though it had a slight stop to it..
The theme is central and the rhythm isn't bad

I like the bye-bye rather than sigh-sigh..
Just a sound preference maybe but the bye-bye has the tinge of last Good Bye..meaning.. "I wash my hands of foolishness, even from on high"

*grin* If it is serious, * and without a bye bye *, perhaps use "good bye" as the first "bye bye" is a repitition of the refrain.."bye bye"..Too many "bye-bye" in too small a space Overall..entertaining, I thought of bungie jumpers and ultra-lite flyers as mod...

Ouch..American English is drifting across the pond: 1) Yes, it is a Cummins diesel 2) Gears growl, grind, mesh, clash, crash, clunk, shift, howl, break..You may be right. It is a challenge to think of something gears do that is not a cliche. The thing is..some words like "grind" cast the s...

Thanks Elphin I wonder about that "long silences"..I thought about "warm silences..or ..a different word..haven't decided yet. The verb tense shifts in the third stanza, but I don't think I will change that.. The caps, in some places, emphasize certain words, such as "Pulses"...

There was the usual fumbling Of hands on various fasteners, Increasing tension; chains glistening; Long silences pierced by word splinters. Then rolling, swaying into the curves; Squeezing, as signals switched red to green, Around the last corner, the nerves Quivered, cars swarmed about and between,...

The imagery is good.. I am not certain if you are bothering with sound and meter but there is a definite beat in the first verse so I will comment on that flow.. 1) The first verse reads right along..the last line has a slight clunk because the meter is complete with the word, "head" and t...

The imagery is very good. The enjambment: it serves as spoon: from there the only heat this year will come. Charming, "it serves as spoon: from there the only" This is not a complete thought or image. Perhaps the words, "from there the only" verges on a cliche...Maybe, a differen...

Honest reactions..good questions Jack...I agree....The caps were overwhelming the lines. I changed it within the piece because it is not a revision, per se Each stanza division is one thought, all the stanzas together are one scene. Stranger..I hadn't considered; "Goth." I thought more aki...

Uncompromising, in silent contemplation, sullen pride laid low, awaiting explanation, he had suffered the first blow. Swiftly apprising the maelstrom of black anger gathering strike force, in calculated danger, she spoke one word, "Divorce?" By Realizing that one dread word slashed the she...