Poetry Forum

I like the feel of this. It's very nice. The imagery throughout is lovely - created by the alliteration and use of strong verbs (particularly loved the use of 'shattered'). :) The only slight criticism I'd have is that I felt it was building up to something and it kind of fell flat a little for me. ...

I found myself in the same place last night.
The rain was half pouring and the sun was half shining
and somehow the moon lay a quarter in the distance.

I remember standing on the hills last week,
watching my sun glasses steam in the paradox,
as my head nodded and my mouth said yes.

Lovely feel to this poem and a nicely portrayed theme. Not really got much to add, just wanted to add my praise. Nice work .

I like some of the ideas in this a lot - e.g. the fonts - what a lovely honest bit of writing about modern culture. :) The style of the poem - the informality and chatty nature, I also like a lot. Personally, I wasn't keen on the first half of the last stanza. It seemed disjointed from the feel of t...

I like this rewrite a lot better than the original. You've ironed out a lot of the cliches that made it difficult to read. I'm still not a big fan of stanza one. 'On the other end of the planet, my wound is torn open once again, thirty-two years later.' I just feel it lacks impact and I'm not very k...

I like this. It has very clear imagery and meaning - which is refreshing and easy to picture. ' the man stroking her with attention.' - lovely line with great imagery :) 'So we steal the words back and hide them in electronic trash' - very nice. The only thing I wasn't too sure on really was: 'Now y...

You lost me when the food went stale,
and your excuses stuck like watery butter.

I buried you as you remembered to forget,
sniggering venomously over circled dates.

Ten years, and your ghost stands before me,
your image as real as the words we exchange.

I like this. It's a very nice, short poem. :) I'm not really too up with haikus so I'll trust what you say, although I would have originally been inclined to agree with Merlin. To me it seemed a little odd that there were no commas in the third line of stanza 3. It jarred with me a little on read-th...

Edited They smothered Barbie in lead paint, as Jamie turned my kids to carrots. I switched from shares to soaring properties, watching them crash like jet planes in Kent. As I consumed the Credit Crunchie, I wondered whether my bum looked bigger. * 'into' changed to 'to' Original They smothered Bar...

Firstly, I owe you an apology for (my) rudeness the other night. It was a joke. I thought you were someone I knew... turns out you're obviously not! :oops: Sorry. As for this, I liked it. The sentiment is nice and, on the whole, well written :D. Constructively I agree with everything that TDF has sa...

For me, this is definitely an improvement on the original but I still feel it has it's problems. It's still very obscure. You say it might not make much sense to us because it's the 'first second of four', but it really is very difficult to crit a poem if we aren't supposed to know what it means... ...

Very nice. Lovely feel to this and I'm in agreement with everyone else about the praise for your poems and your style. You have a great consistency and lovely way with words. :) I'm in agreement that: 'We leaped over corral fence of minutes' doesn't really work. Maybe you should try for a more simpl...

I'm in agreement with Barrie here. The climax of the poem seems definitely to come at:
'I savored his innards, instead.'
If you get rid of everything after this, I find this poem hard to fault. Lovely theme, well written with the perfect sinister (?) feel.

Nice work.

Ok... this is going to sound petty and pedantic but actually 'misshapen' is spelt with two s's. I'm very sorry if I've upset you dl. It was, of course, not intended. I just didn't expect you to be so touchy. My own spelling isn't great and my vocabulary isn't anywhere near where I wish it was, but I...

I liked the atmosphere of this piece. It's quite laid back - which is different to the usual take on jungle, usually presented as predatory and dangerous. To me, there were a few lines I felt were a little weak and disrupted the feel. One being: 'with orange fur conquering.' I don't feel this is nee...

Ah, thank you all for the lovely comments and your insight. :) I loved TDF's take on 'Number 6'. The six feet under hint was purely coincidental (she just lived at number 6, like you said) but what a lovely coincidence! I agree about the last stanza... there are a few problems there - with the last ...

Edited I noticed your absence in the Autumn, as I watched your rockery drown in leaves. In the Summer, your alcoves turned orange, and your musty scent was freshly Febrezed. As Winter fell, they paved your rockery, burying your bones with rootless fir trees. Original I noticed your absence in the A...

I actually got the stalker/very sad individual meaning here and I liked it a lot. Some very nice phrasing and imagery here: 'Last night i pricked my thumbs on your thorns and hung your scent on my mantlepiece.' My particular favourite of the whole poem. Constructive wise, I wasn't quite sure of the ...

Ouch... I found this a little hard to read. I must admit. Maybe that's the intention - I'm not sure, but if this is actually metaphorical and not actually about an abortion - I'd think this choice carefully through because it's quite a difficult read. I agree with others, less is often more and can ...

Thanks for the comments guys. :) Sadly this is just a product of trying to write something when my mind is set on something else. And the result - a poem I actually don't like, on reflection. Gahh... ah well. What this actually is about? Erm... the tattoo is a metaphor taken way too far. It's actual...

I read this last night and was going to comment, but for one reason or another it just slipped my mind. I really, really like this. Love the way you told it so simply yet beautifully and the imagery you present is perfectly woven into the piece. Reading it, I actually don't have any constructive cri...

Hmm... I afraid to say this doesn't really work for me either. :? The ancient language seems totally irrelevant to anything 'oft' and completely befuzzled me I'm afraid. 'contours of your back' seemed highly cliche to me and a little obvious for the type of poem you have written. There was also some...

I wish I could make the compromise,
as I tattoo three years with a tick.

You said I should settle for the ‘duck’,
dollar signs smothered your sympathy.

Yet as I clutch my sketch in sure hands,
I fear my ‘lame’ dolphin is in fact

a poisoned skull.

This may seem very odd, but for some reason I had a dream about this poem last night. There was this man stood at the bottom of the ladder to heaven, knowing that he'll have to climb it one day and hear his fate from God. Is he in heaven or is he not? Will he have to make the fall to hell? And it wa...

I'm not usually one for 'nice' love poems (maybe that says a lot about myself, who knows?! :mrgreen:) but I did really like this. I particularly loved: 'Quiet, unassuming' A short line that stands out to me as partiucularly beautiful and speaks volumes for love itself. And I loved the sneaky rhymes ...