Poetry Forum

The Dove is stubborn defiant paints soft and strong. Oil touches on monkey reflections, passed over models with depressive ideals. The Elephant laughs, strides he likes to paint them captured in a wall. Tusk to feather stoic to vivacious. Like every relationship, the Elephant flattens everything whi...

I feel some of the lines are a bit too packed for me. For example: as manic, violent laughter can when it arrives, unannounced, uninvited - I dont particulary like the grouping of these words in one line, and i would be temmpted to cut out uninvited, as it always sounds a bit cliche to me. Also is t...

I can see the eagerness to just project your feelings across, but it's way too much IMo and most of it seems to just tenuously reiterate past stanzas. One of the things i didnt like was the constant repitition of 'How does it feel' (It may have worked for Dylan in Like a Rolling Stone but i dont thi...

Rain-beaten Wednesday, after dinner patrolling to the park embracing teenage sadness. Those kids never enjoy themselves like we do. The swings are for swinging the silence is for Bogies Every photo is a reminder of our childhood resurgence. Just two lads on a swing laughing adulthood further away.

Nice defiance to the weather forcecast Aru, i'm inclined to feel the same when i see how dire the weather is where i live :lol: It's very typically you Aru, the structure and flow is very gentle and soothing and the narrative always seems very friendly and inviting. Just a few points though: Paper b...

Yeah, i'd be tempted to put the italics in too, it'd just make the piece that little bit more effective. I like the concept of the poem, and i think it's quite profound generally. Particulary like the lines: All farewells should be sudden, when forever - This line had a strong impact on me for some ...

I must say it's not really to my taste, it just seems like an odd arrangement of words that is purely descriptive. Maybe i'm totally underestimating the style here, but it doesnt 'pop' for me. I'm not getting anything other than the obvious, so not my cup of tea really i'm afraid. I'm a stanza kind ...

We heard her loud
her voice vaulting through the halls
and back out on the street
past the place she lived.

Every note was permanent
it never rang out,
yet it was shattered
with tears in every pause.

Resounding but rusty,
she left an impression
like a silver rose.

Wonderful rant, it's fun to read someone just let go

In terms of a rant, it's inspired, but in terms of poetry it's on the edge a little bit. Still i enjoyed it, certainly candid and full of expression.

Good on you!

Keekee, i like how your work has become more abstract with every piece. I loved the contrasts in the 'half pouring', 'half-shining'. It creates a feeling of indecision and frustration about your ability to say no, which is supports the fundamental idea of the poem. I thought the word 'paradox' kinda...

In Piano Central
where the cars curse by,
hopeless risktakers
settle their fingers on the dollar.

Woven into streets,
the glistening of keys
and the red lights gleam
over a wordless melody,

mindless and romantic,
stifling strings and thunder
for just one more chord
or two.

Very witty, and i kinda felt sorry for the poor Gnome. There's hierachy everywhere it seems, even if you're made of pot!

Nicely written and i think the structure flows beautifully.

dl04.

You have definitely made it more clarified Aru with your explanation, but i still feel the piece is a little obscure in places as Barrie has said. For me personally, the two stanzas are great but they feel a bit disconnected and i cant put my finger on why. It may be the more elaborate language in S...

Cracks in the skin salvaging some kind of resistance, needles pointed to the door, while the radio finally burns out. Rodent fingers seek vulture fix scouring the floor licking the air of something still lingering. Police took away the infant comfort, and allowed the scars to spread from unseen plac...

I like the third person style going on here, and the images are no doubt vivid and vibrant, but i'm feeling some elements of this piece let it down. Few points: I feel the rythimg is slightly sporadic, it isnt consistently built in throughout the poem and that distracted me somewhat: acid burning sh...

At first glance i was like 'oh great, this is such a humorous take', but on several more looks, something very poignant and though-provoking is evident. I'm guessing it explores the lack of belief in God nowadays and the slow upheaval of religion by atheism and the general change in the 21st century...

So enchanting Aru, i feel like i can smell the rasgollas myself. Very nice onomatopaic effects.

The piece flows great and i love the ending, it's very subtle but says a lot.

Well done

dl04.

It's a nice poem, with very flowing imagery. Cant help feel it's a bit too flowery though, because at times it all seems a bit contrived, eg; 'I breath the freedom offered ' . It's just certain lines that strike me as being very archaic and i think you need a bit more personal input in them. Dont fr...

She takes the brush and slowly creates something. It's never to her standards and the paint is always running, streaming down deforming her fruit bowls and her many faces of Jesus. 'I'm a critic at heart'. She lacks the warmth of Constable, she's deranged like Van Gogh except she values her ears. Do...

The motorbike came by yesterday and left her after two hours, adding to the silence on her wasted Texan plaine. Tv crackles in failing bedroom light, bills tossed on fire seeking warmth concealing scorching reality with a single prod of her poker. She wishes her garden had a Miami view with dolphins...

A bit too layered for me if i'm honest, i'd prefer it if some of the images were stripped down. For example: my electric reflection is amplified, my image is cast across a lake - i would put a connective and after amplified as i dont feel these lines link very well at the moment. It's a tad hard to ...

I like this poem, the narrative is very innoncent which is nice.

Like Richard says there are some wording issues, but if you just rectify them it'll be fine. I particulary liked:

and spend long hours in your pubs,
scripting these very lines- lovely ending

Nice stuff

dl04.

Today we had to duck under desks, and jump over chairs just to conceal her words of discontent. Last week you were sighing at the seperation between her, and the man stroking her with attention. I hate to say you've left it too long or that you should shout out the words, that others have shouted be...

Very clever aru, shows the innocence of youth that around all this carnage his only aim is to get his ball back. Great depth there already. The edited version is much better, and i can feel the tension and the chaos through the structure now. His temples throbbed to the hoot of an ambulance, in a st...

I like this piece a lot, i think the rythm is great annd there's certainly a great nostalgic feel about this. The first stasnza is super and really sets the scene well. A few points though: i dont like the 'enchanted' line that much, i feel it makes the poem too flowery and takes it away from the in...