Poetry Forum

Sorry, not a clue!

This calls for a couple of lines in each verse to rhyme...

I like the last couplet a lot. I think perhaps alone is a hard word to use as the repeating one as its sense is pretty forthright and it's hard to do much new with it. Have you tried a ghazal using the rhyming pattern just before the repeating word? It adds a link between the couplets that otherwise...

Yes, very good. Perhaps try reading it out loud, to find the places where the rhythm doesn't flow quite as well as others? I like the way the ending neatly rounds it off.

Ros

Well done, all. PG takes over the world, slowly, slowly...

For those of a facebook persuasion, Seth has kindly created a new group

https://www.facebook.com/groups/453385751686917/

for general discussion, hilarity and promotion of the site. Please do join us!

I think I'm confusing loss of integrity with erosion of identity. Too much mud and not enough light. Thanks for your comments Ros. Julian Certainly erosion of identity fits much better with sickness/growing old. I can see this capturing that well, the sense of almost but not quite keeping a grip on...

Bit lost on me, I'm afraid... can't work out who the danger men or the beta-burghers are. Or ants.

It feels like a good idea, though.

Ros

Antcliff wrote:

David wrote:Jock Stein! No way! I haven't been so excited since Mac appeared in a mag along with J Milton.

I hear Brian Clough has a new collection of sonnets coming out.

Preparing for the big football issue.

Here.

http://antiphon.org.uk/wordpress/

Good poetry. Recordings. Reviews. etc.

Ros

Scary image.
I don't get the last line at all?

Ros

I'm not sure what it is we're supposed to have done, or not done But then we did it, done, or rather not quite maybe, and why we're more likely to when sick or old. Is loss of integrity more likely then? Can't see why. I liked the who diy vibe, and this But then we did it, done, or rather not quite ...

The article was amazing, wasn't it? I'm not so convinced you can link the blue blood as a metaphor of aristocrats/peasants - who are the aristocrats? Those doing the draining, or the crabs, which have the blue blood? How does the blood help defeat the peasants? I feel it's stretching the idea too fa...

Lovely review http://antiphon.org.uk/rb/?p=240 in The Interpreter's House. People are being very generous. If it persuades you to investigate a copy, this is the best route: http://antiphon.org.uk/rb/?p=148

Ros

Time for that collection....

Thanks Seth! I've seen the Orbis one, but not The Interpreter's House yet, so that will be interesting.

Ros

Well done Seth!

Never quite worked out what the Rialto is looking for, but you've nailed it!

Ros

Thanks, Ian. I was keeping the repeats of matter on purpose to make the language flatter, but perhaps it isn't necessary. We seem to see dark matter mainly through gravitational effects, but I'm finding it hard to make that a metaphor. Will experiment with your changes.

Ros

It's a thought, David. I agree it doesn't really fit in the poem, at least not without changing it too much. I'm still struggling with my dark matter, however.

Ros

Good thoughts, mac, thank you.

Ros

imperfect, impermanent, incomplete No wonder at a universe imperfect, reinvented daily in each individual mind, each star sketched out by neurochemicals and glands, dark matter coloured in by grey and now, it would appear, manipulated by our gut bacteria. Why would a world influenced by fermenting ...

Hi Nicola,

Many thanks for getting it sorted!

Ros

I take it this follows on from (1/3)?

Intriguing, particularly the 'again'.

Ros

I agree with the previous posters, the first two stanzas work well. You have a couple of comma splices in the second two, which I think make the rhythm a problem - I lied before, there is also the coldness of the water that mars the moment, and makes me remember. here I feel the first comma should e...

It's always the middle bit! (unless it's the end bit). I wonder if I can get away with no middle bit? I think you're right, Julian, I've lost the feel of the original. I'm trying to keep it really simple, while not stretching the science too far.

Feynmann was great.

Ros