Poetry Forum

Hi This is colorful and I like some of the images. In general you might think about simplifying the language... not everything needs an adjective, and some things become less powerful by attaching multiple descriptors to them. Nor does a poem have to tick off style boxes like "alliteration: &qu...

Haha thanks Ros, I thought I'd get such a response! I just wasn't sure the temple line was making sense to the reader? Thanks Ray, yes I like the corvids too, will reinstate. I also like the 'circle the occasion' bit though.....ummmmm. Luke How about "come the crow of night"? That's neate...

I enjoyed this. suspended/eyelid/ended - nice sounds. I don't think it's a good idea to have the last lines divorced like that. Try thinking of a title that says more or offers more mystery or a way into the piece. If you keep on with one-word generic abstracts as titles you'll run out of titles! S...

I want to thank you all for taking the time to read and comment. Thank you also for the kind words. I don't if it would make any difference, but the flower I speaking of is the poppy and the region I refer to is Palestine and or Israel. I don't know if knowing that helps or hurts the poem. It's con...

Have you tried it on a reader of poetry who is also a Catholic? I still wonder if they would necessarily get it... I wonder what a reader in a thousand years would make of it. Ros No more or less than anything else on here! I didn't pick up any of the religious stuff but it didn't seem to matter. T...

Hi Ros

Thanks for the notes.

Both, perhaps??

Agreed that the N's voice probably needs work, I'm not entiiiirely sure who he is yet either!

Stuart

Silver crowns, flexible swords, I watch my grandchildren play: their dialogue the reverberation of pretend metal on pretend metal. Then that is over as suddenly as it began, leaving no history or hostility: now, they robot dance together to French disco music; even I can’t resist my tapping foot. My...

Really enjoyed this vignette and I suppose I will forgive you the solipsism as we poets tend to indulge that way and the writing was good.

Stuart

Damaged goodness. You know I always enjoy your writing.

Stuart

Thanks for the comments. I can't really claim any credit for the subject, he did it all himself! Shot with a Sony Nex with an old (1980s) Konica Hexanon telephoto lens clipped on. Makes digital photos that look beautifully filmic.

Stuart

hi all just let me briefly say thanx for reading and spending time on this one. i m mobile at the mo so wont blab on. i think this slots firmly into first draft or brain dump territory and although it is only supposed to be about herons and unrequited office lust, it probably tells other stories too...

1: When I say: can I have permission? it isn’t really allowance I seek; just a pond with enough depth for this light to get lost; to bury formulaic reflections, and, so as not to offend the patient heron, enough of silence that he can select the perfect invertebrate while I perfect the silence that ...

Hiya

On a first read I liked it very much, thought there were some really great touches... visually I would have liked a bit more separation but that could be just me.

Nice one thanks

Stuart

K-J

Really enjoyed. There is a pleasing incongruity between the metakosmic and the ephemeral that put me in mind of good Martin Amis.

If you can find a compliment in that. Hope so!

Cheers

Stuart

hi

i rather liked reading this, but i hate filibuster! in general, im drawn to it sonically but think you have to work on the meaning.

cheers

stuart

hi the thing that i had from this is that the full rhyme in the last couplet gave it a sense of resolution, following as it does all the half rhymes beforehand. this led me to a sense of completion which jarred with the idea that the story isnt complete, so all i can offer is maybe to continue with ...

my two cents worth, less is more and all that. one doesnt have to miniaturise the comment on a poem to add value. often a quick discussion of one or two phrases is a great contribution.

why put a microscope that may not be perfectly calibrated over a specimen that is essentially succeeding?

stuart

thanks ros. i feel that it wouldnt remain true to its origin if it went any more specific and in any case would then have to be expanded in level of detail, whereas i am increasingly tired of the kind of writing that goes into inordinate depth to illustrate something quite simple or ordinary. as for...

still comes the evening
noisy come the crows
nothing but a spit of land
still the water flows

harsh comes the norwester
low sinks the sun
nothing but a single branch
what have i become?

across it darted.
past the flatpack vans
and the rattled shutter,
eartips like a clipped lapwing.

i couldn't tweak fast enough
to fold it into six in the industrial night.
no, nothing like a cormorant,
nor a mobile of hanging kites.

my feeling is that you dont need "heraldic" as "salient" implies it. feels tautological and almost like a false start! i rather like the ending, it conjured up an image of trying to make an origami hare, which would make a good poem, might have a go at it! cheers stuart REVISION ...

Pauline wrote:These are stunning Marten.
I particulary like the first one.
Amazing how a change in colour can totally transform ordinary into spectacular.
Thanks for sharing.

thanks pauline, although im not marten!

stuart

"What's the key to succeeding through lack of talent, speaking from your own experience?"