Poetry Forum

hits the targets for me pseud

his metaphor keeps him
vague inside the cage

guilty, but I'm working on it


'his poem gyrates in a microwave'

visited a few of those places

cheers

mac

'Half mummified in future glass, is how I see them. You may say half sunk in sand. Both have potential.' Like these lines: projects the mind beyond the present, defines a moment, the confines of past. 'potential'/'half' sense of transience/change. 'mummified'/'future' - signifies end of life/preserv...

lol cam

'deep' moi?

just an eco poem - mainly

cheers

mac

Enjoyed your poem Thomas, the idea of doodling was a good, the mix of beginning line capitals and capitals for punctuation was a little confusing.

best wishes

mac

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Enjoyed the poem. Liked the last line, telling me of lost childhood/lost ball.
'involving time and monetary cost' at first I thought this too telling, but the perception of 'time' and 'money' further defined age/experience.

cheers

mac

hi pseud

Repetitive forms are not my thing, but I enjoyed some of your diction choices ~ copper/oxidates, 'lawn decor' ~ science marches on...

cheers

mac

Even if the intention wasn't serious, still a good read Pseud. The tea/pubic hair will linger a while and the teacher's 'abnormal' silence was a good insight.

cheers

mac

hi Cam

Not sure if the self-reflective last line detracts: a flat footnote to explain intention.

'A pollen heavy bee penetrates the scene' - like this line, great active verb in there for me

cheers

mac

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This reminded me of some article I read in the National Geographic while waiting to see the dentist. The article was about the brain, how tumours/strokes damaged areas of the brain and prevented us functioning in certain ways. The joys of science, but then I thought 'Psychology' was just a pseudo sc...

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hi bis

Enjoyed your poem. Liked the way it suggested mundane and then transferred to magical. Imaginative lines, but perhaps the 'jumble' structure distracts, asks a lot of the reader.

cheers

mac

a little collective conscious ~ the film image kicked in for me too.

cheers

mac

congrats on your first toe in the water. Good pointers by ps on showing not telling. Dropping the 'I' in your work may create more distance and so focus on the craft.

cheers

Mac

Our tree standing mighty
Our shed cowering beneath the
Freshest budding leaves.


Enjoyed the humour in this, 'cowering' brings alive 'shed'; the' dangles on the branch a bit, but then I guess you have reason to focus there.

cheers

mac

Thanks Sean. Thats the 'bauble' so I'm glad it caught the eye.

ps ~ agree with you on 'meanders'


cheers

mac

just a short poem Cam.

guess suggestion of a received form leads to reader expectation.

cheers

mac

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A good read Leslie. The isolation in the end turret, part of the plane, but only aware of the sky, was a strong visual. I like the tone at the end, underplayed not loud.

mac

I enjoyed your poem tg. You have lots of imagery in there to entertain.

mac

Well I liked it. Thought it sad rather than sentimental, the growing apart.
'eyelids shrug' can't see this, think of shoulders. 'I used to breathe for you.' I like this line, simplicity, but weight.


cheers

mac

so much for the crit!

congrats. on going to print Sean

cheers

mac

'Meet me by the water’s broken lace'

classic line

mac

hi Sean I chose to comment on 'Dinosaurs Are Walking'. I prefer issue poems with dressing. Dinosaurs are walking tall, and come this year or next they'll be busy kissing babies, with their smiling muscles flexed they'll promise you the earth, when it isn't theirs to sell invite you into heaven, whil...