Poetry Forum

Here goes my take on the possible meaning. Riffage Blow it out (Possibly a candle) and what the hell let's establish the nature of our proximity. (In the dark you may be your natural selves) Light in this vernacular is not my default setting, (you find it difficult to communicate when using your loc...

I really like the way this reads. Engaging and understated. I liked it.

All my best,

Firebird

JJ, I love this parody. I like the fact that you have kept Blake's line structure of three-and-a-half spondaic feet, which gives them such force and keeps the reader constantly moving on.

Love it! I too like lager.

Firebird

JJ, many thanks for your very useful comments. I have tried to develop the second stanza in a more concrete way as you suggested. I feel though that the second line is now a little clichéd. Ros, I have also added to the final stanza and included some of your line suggestions, too. Many thanks to you...

David, I think the abruptness of the final line makes it sound a little humorous, but I also felt it was somehow sad, too: I did think the child was being mummified against his will (jutting lower lip). I agree about the word 'expressionlessness' being a bit of a tongue-twister. Maybe another word m...

JJ, this reads really well. However, I tend to agree about the words 'dene' and 'lumes' being a little obscure. I, too, love the last line. May I suggest though that the word 'pitch' is used instead of 'chip', to avoid the unfortunate pun.

Hope this help a little.

All my best,

Firebird

Ros, thank you for commenting. I may well go with your suggestions for the lines in 'Dust'. Peter, thank you, also, for commenting. I accept your viewpoint, even though it seems to be based on the type of poem you wanted to read. You wouldn't judge a free form poem based on the criteria set out for ...

Mac, many thanks for the very useful bits of advice. I agree that the first memory is a bit clichéd, so I have cut it. I have taken your advice about the second memory (it is now the first) and instead of 'different land' I have been specific and put 'Texan desert'. I also thought your suggestion ab...

Bodkin, many thanks for commenting. I agree the transformation from the first memory to the second is a little tenuous. I think it needs to be made clearer. I will try to do so. Your interpretation of the third memory was close to what I had in mind, but a hot sun must be hot enough to fix a gourds ...

K-j, first off, many thanks for commenting. I am in York where the weather is icy cold this morning. Beaching in Mexico sounds wonderful. I suppose the first one was meant to be about desperately trying to preserve a memory of a loved one who has passed away. Maybe it doesn't work - it is a bit clip...

Steamboat, this engaged me all the way through. I agree with a previous comment that 'tall pines/ that pierce the sky' is verging on cliche. Also, I'm not sure if 'glazed fields' really works' in line 10. Lines 11 and 12 rhymed, which I found distracting - this may just be me though. I loved lines 2...

Second Revision Afterlife I. Love She becomes a highland castle reconstructed in a Texan desert. II. Degrees He worries how his memory will treat her, believing that a dried out gourd is no better than a rotting one. III. Dust A building, too close to use a wrecking ball, is being deconstructed bit ...