Poetry Forum

I see you have a cultured sense of humour
Very [s]crude[/s] good - but + pix would be even better



J.

Hi Suzanne, I must read this carefully – and will. But my initial reaction is this should be entitled ‘Nadir’. Perhaps the N is saying their zenith was from an earlier time; when they were young because the present is a very sad and resigned voice. There were a couple of grammaticals but they disapp...

Such imagination!
But is anything lost in translation because I don't get the poetry in it - it's light prose with little poetry in it's heart.



J.

Punctuation and small edit to bring a subtle change in tone; to mute 'It's off to work I go'



J.

I know it's a problem for me too. The discipline of metre is grrrrr. Sometimes beat or flow are the easier master. I can refer you to Stephen Fry and 'An Ode Less Travelled' But: I don't think you are that far away, I really don't. The prose side can lead you into explanation (which is where you go ...

Yeh, sorry Kris.
Punctuation it will be. It's what I used to do but then felt I was, increasingly, the odd one out.
I'll get an edit going shortly.



J.

Hi Moth, I would take a look at verses - where you end them because that can make the reader flow or falter: at punctuation likewise. The strength of this poem is the sad and meagre 'human' story and with David's comments in mind, I would build on descriptions and I would pay attention to phrases th...

Captivating is right.
A really good study in colours and lines.
The bigger version is great if I go back about 8ft. It keeps the contrasts related to the lines while balancing the colour.


J.

I agree this is very good.

the clock in the fireplace doesn't tick

was this intended to be menopausal?

J.

A quiet window into someone's life - a hint of pathos. Straightforward can be refreshing - good. A couple of subtle rhymes - deliberate? I would prefer for you to do something to regularise the rhythm since it is awkward in a couple of places: e.g. perched here on the top step, at the head of an imp...

Hi Ray,
Tired side street in a tired suburb of a tired city
Off to work in the morning - walking to the tube or the bus stop
The daily grind - the daily drag - to earn your bread
to be part of the money flow - to feed into the economy [John Maynard Keynes]



J.

V2 So down my dreary road I go; the gates, the posts, occasional hedges or no gates, no posts, then open season on automotive wedges. Suddenly a damaged paw. Bricked up, wheel gone and arm hanging; lost its tension (shot shock and cracked suspension). The guy in front gives a stumble around a Plane...

Having put me right on Pica and petrol, I think #4 is a good poem.

I enjoyed it.



J.

Getting there Megan, You have cut away a lot of the superfluous and made it tighter A little work needed on the grammar in the second analogy in S1, I think. The Pica doesn't seem to be eating inedibles yet. Some 'cryptic' still seems 'floating' in that it hasn't been anchored e.g. the moon bit Soon...

Hi Vincent,

I really liked part 1

part 2 was OK and could have been worked on to maintain the mood and resonance of part 1

The poem should have ended there, for me.

I think less is more if the less is good quality, as your parts 1 and 2 are.



J.

Is it me, or has something gone wrong?
The sky is nearer than the foreground no matter how far back I go

A disturbing picture, Catherine.

J.

Surely the Cop isn't texting?

Good pix.

Like the Starbucks yawn



J.

Thanks Marten.
Finding different reflective shapes that work is hard.



J.

Nice flow and balance.
The message for me is:

Is the jury out on our conventional syntax and semantics?



J.

Edit - (just to tidy up)



J.

I liked most of it.

Could be good.
Reminds me of a time long ago when as kids we congregated around the corner shop and bragged of bold deeds until it became time to be bold



J.

Megan Returning the introduction. I am bemused and baffled by this; and this might be your intention – to be obtuse. It reads more like a visit to Ironbridge but, as a daytripper, at a push you could be feeding on the artefacts and the surroundings. The rhythm is well balanced and the voice is chatt...

Thanks Megan,
I'll work my way throught the thoughts and advice and see what comes out.



J.

Hearts-tongue protrudes towards the sky: Green fronds sucking sunlight from the day roots drinking moisture from the wall. Mortar crumbles and its dust gathers on the patio. No one sees it drift below but through time bare stones stare at the Ash seed lodged under cracked damp proof course and germi...

Not sure about convention on responding - but I will.

Surprised and v. pleased and perhaps a measure of how my journey is progressing.

Thanks all involved for the vote.



J.