When Friends Become Lovers (Part 1)

[Durante]

I can't believe she likes me;
it came as quite a shock;
I thought I must be dreaming,
and kept checking the clock

We sat on a bench together;
suspending our disbelief,
And every time she smiled,
I felt the same relief

Fot two-years we dilly-dallied;
Put it off till another time;
but there we sat together,
swapping reason for rhyme.

I said I think I love her;
She said it's far too soon,
But something in her eyes had lied,
as she glanced accross the room.

We headed out into the night
and her right hand I did steal;
I looked into her eyes and said:
"I can't believe that this is real"

I took the chance to kiss her
(for around the hundreth time)
And I thought I heard her whisper:
"I can't believe that he is mine"

We soared into a taxi;
Our hearts far from ground;
I listened closely for the catch,
but never heard a sound

And back at hers we lay in peace;
And spoke of future choices;
And there we stayed till early hours;
And made love with our voices.

(TBC)

[Arian]

Faultless! Wonderful stuff! Couldn't be bettered!

I haven't actually read it, of course, but I assume it's all of these things.

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peter

[Durante]

Please see adjacent comment on your misreading of what was a thanks for your comments.

[Danté]

"Fot two-years we dilly-dallied;" You seem to have a typo here.

The content is reasonably enjoyable but the enthusiastic use of punctuation is no substitute for actually nailing the meter which you haven't.
Random use of capitals at the beginning of a number of lines is also not helping.
Much of the phrasing is cliché but wouldn't be too much of an issue had you paid more attention to the other details.
It's certainly worth revising to iron out the inconsistencies and see how it looks then.

regards

Danté

[KevJ]

A very romantic piece this. Did the romance blossom Into something more enduring I wonder.
Has anyone noticed the extra "c" in accross? Can one edit after posting?

Kev

[Elphin]

A bit of a struggle this one Durante - metre isn't consistent, a number of spelling errors (hundreth or hundredth??) and you need much much more freshness in your phrases.

What poetry do you read? Have a look at how your favourite poets portray these feelings, how they show rather than tell.

elph

[Lovely]

very nice.

When the twain meet eh?

I will remember it.

The poem moves well and from the heart.........

[brianedwards]

Good advice from Elphin there. Read around, note how poets or poems you like express similar feelings in fresh and interesting ways.
Kudos for working with rhyme though, a grand way to stretch your vocabulary.

B.

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