Carpel
She dismembers a flower
over an ironed sheet,
veined petals arc downwards
as each finds a path
offering least resistance.
He watches them descend
into peripheral vision,
refocuses on exposed stigma
as his fingertips close
to its raw, scented flesh.
.
Carpel
Wow, Danté, you are an artist! It's like poetry in painting, painting in poetry, or picture in poetry. Elegant, minute, precise write. Very sensuous, too.
Much enjoyed.
Best,
Lake
Much enjoyed.
Best,
Lake
Aim, then, to be aimless.
Seek neither publication, nor acclaim:
Submit without submitting.
一 Cameron
Seek neither publication, nor acclaim:
Submit without submitting.
一 Cameron
I second Lake. Wonderfully expressed. Loved the sensuality. And the title says it all!
Dante, I agree with the other comments but I would have - He dismembers, which seems more appropriate?
She dismembers a flower
over an ironed sheet,
veined petals arc downwards
as each finds a path
offering least resistance.
He watches them descend
into peripheral vision,
refocuses on exposed stigma
as his fingertips close
to its raw, scented flesh.
She dismembers a flower
over an ironed sheet,
veined petals arc downwards
as each finds a path
offering least resistance.
He watches them descend
into peripheral vision,
refocuses on exposed stigma
as his fingertips close
to its raw, scented flesh.
Hi Dante - this is lovely. But...I have to admit I don't know what's going on. Is it about 'deflowering' someone in bed? 'Exposed stigma' has me at a total loss.
I can see that the language you've used and how it's woven together is really well done though.
Cheers,
Stephen
I can see that the language you've used and how it's woven together is really well done though.
Cheers,
Stephen
Thanks Lake, it's good to have a piece ripped into with a view to improving it, it's also useful to get positive responses from time to time, I appreciate your reply. Thank you.
Aru, thanks for your reply, I'm glad you enjoyed the poem and I am chuffed you thought the title an apt one.
Clara,
Thank you for replying. I've been considering your suggestion whilst I've also had a busy few days so will give it further thought now the week is winding down. I wanted to have gender balance, well mmm not specifically gender but opposite elements in the poem which is why I used the She/He actions. You've actually given me a fair bit to think about in a very positive way. It'll come to me in due course and I'll get back to this thread. Thank you.
Stephen,
I think perhaps the poem is fairly skeletal in respect of actual information offered to a reader, so maybe an automatic comparison in respect of the flower parts in the context of the poem to the characters is not going to connect with every reader. It's most likely a small failure on my part to have it a little more universal in respect of its accessibility by way of the language I've used. Thanks, that gives me a little more to ponder and go forwards with, I don't have a great deal of scope in piece to seriously rework, I am reasonably happy to take on board what's been said and try to be a little clearer going forwards.
Many thanks
Danté
Aru, thanks for your reply, I'm glad you enjoyed the poem and I am chuffed you thought the title an apt one.
Clara,
Thank you for replying. I've been considering your suggestion whilst I've also had a busy few days so will give it further thought now the week is winding down. I wanted to have gender balance, well mmm not specifically gender but opposite elements in the poem which is why I used the She/He actions. You've actually given me a fair bit to think about in a very positive way. It'll come to me in due course and I'll get back to this thread. Thank you.
Stephen,
I think perhaps the poem is fairly skeletal in respect of actual information offered to a reader, so maybe an automatic comparison in respect of the flower parts in the context of the poem to the characters is not going to connect with every reader. It's most likely a small failure on my part to have it a little more universal in respect of its accessibility by way of the language I've used. Thanks, that gives me a little more to ponder and go forwards with, I don't have a great deal of scope in piece to seriously rework, I am reasonably happy to take on board what's been said and try to be a little clearer going forwards.
Many thanks
Danté
to anticipate touching what is unseen seems far more interesting than seeing what the hand can not touch
Hmm, liked this she/he, the deflowering of someone in bed, usualy refering to the women being deflowered but the stigma in he...says its about him realy and he could well be the one being shown the way...... 
It always happens when you least expect it. AC