a poem

[blacksheep]

On with the show, my feelings mellow out,
Life it ambles, in paths dark and unknown.
I greet challenges head on, theres no turning back,
Im back and im strong now, i'm on the attack!

[Nash]

Hello blacksheep,

Welcome to the forum, I'm quite new here myself.

Obviously a very personal and life affirming piece. I can't help feeling that it feels a bit incomplete, a fragment of a poem. There's a bit of repetition going on in the last two lines with "back" and "I'm" and you've missed the apostrophe from "I'm" in a couple of places.

Also, it might be a good idea to read through the rules of the site, it's expected that you comment on other peoples poems as well as posting your own. (Just a heads up!)

[Lovely]

Dear Nash,

I see how you feel your soul. You are finding you.
Thumbs to you. Energy creates a poet in a way; you are someway there.

What i liked is the openess here.... expressing heart

Dave

[Nash]

Lovely - It's nice of you to comment but it's not my poem, you really should be addressing it to blacksheep.

[Lovely]

It's You. That is it. I Like it.. Welcome. Don't fear you will be OK.....alright.

Words are poweres make worlds or desrtoy worlds thats is it.....


be careful while you write words of power..........yeh?

[blacksheep]

Thanks for the nice comments Nash, sorry I didnt review others poems first.
I don't really think i'm good enough to judge other peoples work, though I do read it

I revised that one:


Strong Now

On with the show, this face it wont crack,
Life's a set of roads, there's forks and there's tracks.
I greet challenges head on, theres no turning back,
Im tall and im strong now, i'm on the attack!

[KevJ]

As Nash said a life affirming poem. Nice first post. Hope you don't mind my pointing out that you're still missing those apostrophes in the last line.
I'm new here myself and like you I had reservations about commenting on others work as I'm certainly not qualified to crit on a technical level.
Just throw yourself in even if it's just "Nice poem" at this stage. Other members will i'm sure offer plenty of advice.

Kev

[Nash]

Hello again blacksheep,

Good advice from Kev there, it is really daunting commenting on other peoples work but just throw yourself in. It might be a good idea to introduce yourself in the 'Hello, Good Evening and Welcome' section, everyone is mostly friendly here.

Your revision is a definite improvement, it has a street poetry sort of feel. What sort of poetry do you like reading?

[Danté]

Hi blacksheep.

The revision seems to be an improvement, just the small details like correct capital/lower case usage and suchlike which are worth getting to grips with in a compact piece, as you can apply the more disciplined approach to further works. There are some excellent tips in respect of critique which are well worth reading, posted on this site.

It's well worth taking the time to ease yourself into offering your thoughts based upon your observations and giving feedback because it offers greater insight than simply reading replies to your own work. Aside from that, you'll most likely find some resentment occurs in respect of you not doing so if you post a number of poems without applying the one post two crit minimum approach. I know rules are tiresome, but we're all here to hopefully get a range of opinions to consider. If we were all shrinking violets the place would collapse pretty fast.

All the best

Danté

[Lovely]

Dante speaks well take it on. We will be with you.


I won't leave you alone. My friends are here.

I like you,

Dave

[arunansu]

Welcome to the forum, B. Though I partly agree with Nash re the vagueness, still I loved the compact form. It would be interesting to see if you could express your thoughts with imagery. Smiles. Thanks.

[blacksheep]

I like to read poems that are, or seem to be, an expressing of emotion, the baring of a soul.
Which is what I tend to write about, things literal to me, or a short time ago.

[offelias]

I really like this mainly because I can feel a real person. It's quite lyrical in my mind.. like a song rather than a poem.
I'm new to this so please forgive me if I'm wrong.. I think there's a fine line between songs and poetry and I don't know how to define either it's just how it seems in my mind
I like poetry taken from personal emotions because I have a lot of respect for the poet in that they confront, question and sometimes have a revelation after the contemplation. It's a scary thing letting your own thoughts or even former feelings be known to others.

Good job
Ophelias