poem

[NoName]

Shadow


Walking in the shadow
and forever lost
i felt cold in my soul
like a morning frost

As i approached the house
and on the door i knocked
his name i called

But the house was silent
and the rooms were darkened
and outside in the garden
the birds had gone

Suddenly
behind me
the rush of a step
i gently heard

I turned around
and again
in the shadow
i called his name

But the shadow was empty
Evening was fainting
and the wind
entangled
echoed my thoughts.

[Danté]

Hello NoName, welcome to PG.

Interesting alias, is it chosen to match up with NoCritiques done, NoAdherence to that rule, and possibly Nofuture at PG ?

I do hope not, as we're generally a friendly encouraging bunch, although we do seem to have an abundance of one post wonders of late which makes me ponder if it's all one person who simply cannot be bothered to participate in the manner which is expected.

Being the optimistic chappy that I am, I'm hoping you're just a bit slow off the mark with doing your critiques and have not gotten round to introducing yourself yet.

Optimism, is such a wonderful thing don't you think?

all the best

Danté

[NoName]

Hello Dante,

Thank you for your reply. Rest assured that my username has no such antisocial inclinations as you suggest, and I am certainly not the phantom poster!
I do not feel like making any critiques of the work of others as yet, which does not mean I have not been reading the forum with great interest. My reason for posting is that I felt the need for someone else to read my odd little poems, which I write always when I feel rather sad, so while i wholeheartedly agree with you that optimism is a wonderful thing, I'm afraid not much of it can be found in what I write or in my spirit. I apologise for not introducing myself properly first, I did not mean to seem rude, I will try and do that.

ps: My username comes from the title of a perfectly harmless novel by Wilkie Collins

Thanks for reading my poem.

G

[Danté]

Hi NoName, I'm glad you replied. I didn't actually suggest you'd personally been misusing the forum, more a case of my thinking aloud which didn't point the finger at you or anyone specifically.

I'm a bit pushed right now, but I'll pop back and let you know a few of my thoughts in respect of your poem, you might also get some additional feedback.
Critiques are fairly flexible in their content. There are some good guidelines posted on this forum, simply taking a few minutes to express your thoughts on an area of a poem which seemed effective or otherwise, or some other aspect which either enriched the reading of it or not, is not a bad place to start.

This is not really a place for posting on the basis of hanging one's writing up, to see which way the wind blows. It's a poetry workshop where people generally feel like helping each other by way of sharing a common interest in writing and improving their poetry. It caters for a whole range of abilities and relies on give and take.

Regards

Danté

Okey-dokey, calories now on board, a few thoughts on your poem.

Overall, much of the wording is pretty predictable and what might be considered cliché. Cold like frost is a good example of this.
The underlying content is also something which is less than original which means that a writer using this kind of content, if they are seriously wanting to develop their writing skills would look to approach the poem in a way which has a more unique or quirky angle which might make the piece more individual.

"Suddenly
behind me
the rush of a step
i gently heard"

Would you say this like you have here in a normal part of conversation? I ask the question because a common misconception in respect of writing poetry is that by saying things in a way which enables a rhyme to exist while making the phrasing odd is beneficial. It's more often not, the skill is in making the phrasing pleasing whilst having the ability to execute rhymes and other aspects of structure in a way which makes them come across naturally.

It's not an unpleasant piece by any means. It's a straight forward kind of longing, sort of mmm oh dear there's nobody home and to make matters worse the lights are not on, but hey ho, a block on which you can build. I'd be inclined to work around the core subject and try more to have the reader looking to find what is sought in the poem, as opposed to telling your audience directly what's what.

Good luck

[NoName]

Thanks for replying so promptly Dante. I really appreciate it. I agree the poem is on the melodramatic side.... I did want to write a straightforward poem though, and my intention was to directly tell the moment of returning to a house after a long absence. I know that rhyme should not dictate over content, but will you believe me when I say that was not my intention; it just came out that way (for better or worse ). I'm not so sure I agree with poetry (or prose) should sound completely "natural" (as we would talk in real conversation), surely in novels no one is speaking as in real life (this would be tremendously tedious), but I definately understand what you're saying in regards to my poem.

Thanks for the input, I really enjoyed that

[Danté]

Must be something in the water here "come across naturally" is not quite like saying completely natural in how it is constructed.
I think I'll have to look at my own means of communication as I've had a few instances of people not reading what I actually say of late lol.
It's useful to work with fairly straightforward phrasing if you're starting out and dealing with a whole load of other issues in respect of writing poetry.
That's where the advice is directed, when you get good, then you might want to stretch the medium with the benefit of some experience.

anyways, that's your freebie from me

Danté

[Arian]

Hello, whoever you are, and welcome.

I like the idea behind this, but I have to agree with Tim - your frequent inversion of conventional construction ("the door i knocked", "his name i called", etc) is quite(!) archaic. The mix of capitals and lower case (i/I) is a little strange, too. All the same, you succeed in creating a mood.

I suppose you know that a simliar theme was explored by Walter de la mare, 100 years ago. See -
http://www.poetry-online.org/de_la_mare ... teners.htm


Look forward to more of your work.

peter.

[arunansu]

Loved your work, though I feel you could have probably done away with repeating the word "shadows". I like the way the poem ended, though after reading your piece the user is left with a question "then what?" I feel that's where you need to concentrate. Your setting is terrific, you've captured the mood, but at the end, nothing happens. However, enjoyed your write. Hope I'd be reading more of you. Smiles.

[NoName]

Thanks for the feedback which I truely appreciate and the positive words of encouragement. Ummm, I'm not really sure why I gave the poem such an archaic structure, I didn't do this on purpose but having it pointed out to me has made me think about this, perhaps i wanted to give the poem a "supernatural" atmosphere... The "shadow" has a double meaning. firstly the obvious one of the shadows forming as light fades... secondly, the "shadow" is also the absent person, whom i long to reencounter, yet I know this is impossible (the person is dead), which is why my only hope is to find him in the shadow, or he himself be the shadow. Ok, so that's the general idea when I wrote it... I have no belief in the supernatural or in ghosts whatsoever... yet I am longing for him to "show" himself to me again. So I am searching and hoping and wishing, both with longing and with fear.

If the end is disappointing it is because there was nothing more to be said really, at least I didn't have the power to express anything more. The poem is a moment in time, nothing more. As to the punctuation, none of that was intentional, I write by hand in a notebook and then type it out on the computer. I am rather lazy about capitalizing.

Thanks Arian for the link to Walter de la Mare's poem, I have heard of him though never read anything of his before.

[Arian]

As to the punctuation, none of that was intentional, I write by hand in a notebook and then type it out on the computer. I am rather lazy about capitalizing.

Hello G.
I don't think there's a diplomatic way of putting this, so I'll come right out with it:
Aaaaaaaaaaarrrgghh! And again, in case I'm not being clear, Aaaaaaaaaaaarrrgggh!!!! Help! Aaaaaaaaarrrrgh!

What are you saying here? That you think it's perfectly OK to ask people to spend their time reading your work, and constructively criticising with the romantic notion that they're in some way helping, when - all the time - you knew what was wrong in the first place? That, sorry folks, thanks for the time you've just put in and all that, but it was all pointless because I'm a bit lazy, and you were critting something I already knew!!!! Jesus H! Grrrrrrr.

In case you haven't realised it, I'm a tad fed up. Unusual for me. Ask anyone. Usually, I'm the very personification of decorum. But you've just admitted to committing the worst crime in Forum World, outside of laughing at Ray's jokes: lazy-bloody-ness.

G., please post anything you like. Wierd, wonderful, off-the-wall: we'll read and we'll crit. Make any mistakes you like, syntactical, grammatical, rhythmical, poetical: we'll understand, and try to help if we can. That's what the forum is for, especially the B forum. But pleeeeease - don't make the mistake of posting work you KNOW to have errors, work you simply can't be bothered to edit and correct. That's an insult to those who take the time to read and consider their replies. Because, then, most of the time your response will be: "Oh, yes, I knew that." OK, the critter thinks, so why did you damn well ask? And you're on the fast track to getting no replies whatever. From me, anyway. Coupled with fact that you don't feel able to crit others' stuff, it all seems to add up to "Please waste your time critting my work, though I have no intention of wasting my time critting yours."

How about starting over? Read (and comply with)the forum's expectations, and you might get soemthing from it.

Anyway, rant over - I've wiped the slate clean. Where's your next (properly edited) piece? I'll give it my best attention.
peter

[NoName]

Ok Arian, guilty as charged for not watching my capitals and for my thoughtlessness. If you can find it in your exacting heart to forgive me whilst simultaneously keeping your hair on, I will mend my ways. I have read the forum guidelines; however I don't feel prepared to make such detailed critiques. If I am to be dismissed because I am not immediately jumping in on posts expressing strong opinions and suggestions on how they can be improved, well so be it, I guess I will have to come back and do that when I'm feeling a little smarter.

[Arian]

Hello, whoever you are (by all means call me peter, by the way, "Arian" is just a sop to the demands of the forum), I think I probably owe you a mini apology.

Although my remarks were made in cold blood - my hair was very firmly on - and I'll stick by their essence, it's just possible I went a little OTT. Sorry. Caught me at a bad time.

I was really just trying to make the point that, although it may not be the case with all of us, some people (I'm one of them) won't crit unless they've read and and actually thought about the piece in question. For whatever they're worth (which may be very little) my own views are at least considered. I reflect. This takes a bit of time. Not hours and hours, but something. That's why I don't crit that often. And, when I do, it can be a bit galling to find I've sent that time on something the author already knew, but didn't bother to correct. My own view (don't worry, I think I'm a lone voice on this) is that the author/poet should post work whcih is as good as it can be to their own knowledge (which doesn't have to be high), otherwise it's...well, I've made the point.

As to doing your own crits, that's up to you. I agree with you that if you're simply not experienced enough to do it, then it helps no-one to go through the motions. If you are experienced enough, then you should.

Anyway, apologies for my earlier rant, I'll have a look at your other contributions, and you can ignore my remarks at leisure.

All the best
peter

[John G]

Hello NoName you say

however I don't feel prepared to make such detailed critiques

, all I can say is you got to dive in!!

Any feedback on this site is greatly appreciated, hey, thats what we are all here for.

Some people will offer indepth analysis of a poem "oh, i love your enjambement" others will have a more basic approach to offering feedback, "i liked that because.......(fill in the blanks) ".

I falls squarley into the latter, however the more feedback I give, the more I get and the more this helps me with my writing.

So get critting, you onlt get out what you put in.

In regards to the poem, (and here is my basic feedback ) I really liked the

Evening was fainting

line.

[Arian]

I really liked the

Evening was fainting

line.

Yes, good point, John. I forgot to say above - so did I. An excellent line.

peter

[Lovely]

Hey no name, I liked it.

More important the flow of pure emotions here: felt it.

Inside of me can't be real this roaming darkness inside my heart:
more inspiring?......eh?....... "don't touch love get burnt get hurt"
my friends from Metal guitars burn in heart to heart.

Need to digest the angry situation inside myself; or fall apart.

Message is good here. Always be sincere you, it is the true way of poets always.
Ego is a stab in the dark, but the heart in light ...well the best is not to sound to obvious
look at S2 for instance; where is the soul? The You?

Be you. Example: I touched this anomaly and it shook my bones apart, shake
the rock and the roll through my veins arteries are clogged and fucked through pain;
get it? Example here but make it your own:- I mean rock it feel it f... it touch it
all alone" I like your approach


Dave